Friday, November 11, 2011

From Ina's Kitchen

Well, not quite.  But from Ina's kitchen in Mia's head.  She wrote this phenomenal ficticious Ina Garten recipe.  Please enjoy!

Boeuf Bourguignon

Step 1: Put on Shent.
Step 2: Curl Bangs.

BAM.  We are ready to go!

3 1/3 lbs grass-fed, antibiotic-free, massaged filet mignon
30 pearl onions. The ones with real pearls in the middle, please, it's worth it!
1 lb baby bella mushrooms. This means they MUST be picked from the earth, by a baby, named Bella.
2 carrots from your garden (OBVS)
Butter and Olive Oil (pressed by hand please)
1 cup of GOOD red wine, I always say, don't cook with it unless you would drink it by the glass! Or bucket!
4 excitable faggots
1 rich husband

Take one of the excitable faggots, and put him to work! He needs to cut the boeuf into 1-inch cubes. And I'm not fucking around here! Anything smaller or larger than 1 inch will be discarded immediately because of the severe impact it has on the flavor. You might want to buy a little extra filet if this is your first time making a real recipe. It's pretty reasonably priced.

Saute the pearl onions until they are soft and the pearl in the middle has come out to say hi! Leave these in the dish, they will impress your guests! Add the mushrooms, and give baby Bella an onion (KEEP the pearl) for her hard work. Add the carrots. Saute until the aroma of money fills your house! Then add the boeuf.

Jeffrey always manages to sneak his way to the kitchen by this point, so use another faggot to distract him so that you can eat chocolate in your walk-in pantry alone!

Drink the red wine in there too.

Once the 3rd and 4th fags find you, it's time to eat! Enjoy! And make sure you eat all of the food except for one scoopful for Jeffrey. The faggots will get upset if you try to feed them.

One Ina to Rule Them All

I've always loved the Food Network.  But I watch it in a whole new light now.  This is all thanks to Mia, who is responsible for my current love affair with Food Network Television hosts.  After browsing through all (as of this date) 310 pages of FNHposts, my eyes have been opened to the quirks of celebrity chefs.  While I can't stand some of those people, I do have two favorites.  Anne Burrell and Ina Garten.

Yeah, I made this.  Jealous?

Anne Burrell, or AB (since we're tight like that), just seems like a fun person to be around.  She's energetic, exciting, and knowledegable.  Her hair is ridiculous, and I love it.  On her own show she's super sweet and fun, but whenever she's in a judge role on something else, she isn't afraid to be stern.  She loves "brown food" and orange skin.  I always assumed she was a lesbian, but I have no idea what her orientation is.  I watched her cook an amazing looking Grilled Chicken with Dijon and Meyer Lemon on Secrets of a Restaurant Chef last night, and I noticed something that made me love her even more:  she's pretty damn faggoty.  Actually, my exact text to Mia was:

And this is a good thing!  When she seasons things, she puts on a "sprinky dink" of kosher salt, etc.  When she drizzles balsamic vinegar on figs, she says you only need a "drippy drop."  That's some gay shit.  Then there's the way she constantly talks to her food, which is adorable by the way.  She'll be brushing a chicken with mustard glaze while cooing in a gaywad voice "HELLO DAAAHLINGS."  It's kind of fantastic.  In that episode alone, she said HELLO DAAAHLING to her food no less than six times.  Keep doing what you do, Anne Burrell, because you make my damn day.

And now.  The queen of Food Network.  Ina Garten.  Words cannot accurately and fully express my feelings about Ina, but I'll try.  First of all, her ensembles.  She pumps a very particular look.  It's kind of like rich white lady casual gangsta realness.  She pretty much only wears what has been dubbed a shent.  I like to imagine that she exclusively wears shents and has one for every occasion.  Shent pajamas.  Terry cloth shent bathrobe.  Silk shent with a starched and popped lace collar for intimate times with her husband Jeffrey. 

Her presence on the show is so calming and soothing.  She's so motherly and comforting.  I just want to hug my face into her denim-shented bosom.  She ran a specialty food store in the Hamptons for years, then sold it so she could focus on other (moneymaking) opportunities.  She's well known for frequently cooking for her many gay male friends.  She's a registered democrat and supports Planned Parenthood, so you KNOW she cool.  Ina is famous for phrases that she peppers throughout her program.  She asks an approximate average of 15.8 rhetorical questions per episode such as "how easy is that?" and "how bad can that be?" 

Also mine.  BAM.

Her husband is never home, but she prepares chicken for him on Friday nights.  Ina prefers to use "good" ingredients, and she never fails to let you know.  In a recent episode I saw, she said she likes to use "good red wine vinegar.  Just smell it, you'll know if it's good."  I'm sorry, Ms. Garten, but I don't think I would know.  That's what I love about her.  Silly poor person, don't you know the olfactory difference between good and bad red wine vinegar?  However, sometimes she will let you know that "store-bought is fine," which is such a subtle throw of shade, I love it so much.  Without explicitly saying it, she means: if you're not a millionnaire like me, you lowly commoner, you'll just have to make do with your "bad" ingredients from your chain supermarket. 

I'm quite proud of this one actually.  Arrested Contessa.

This morning I Googled "Ina Garten shirt" because who wouldn't want one?  It led me to her website and perhaps one of the most hilarious unintentionally funny Q&A pages ever.  She only uses "good" a few times, but I love that in her responses, she uses "unfortunately" 12 times.  It's always referencing something exclusive and unattainable to the likes of you derelicts.  For instance, I enjoyed this question about her shent:

How can I find the shirts that Ina wears on the show?

Unfortunately, I have my shirts made for me by a dressmaker in NY City. I wanted a certain style and couldn't find it in enough colors, so I had them custom made. The original shirt came from Eileen Fisher, so that's a good place to look.
Then in response to someone's difficulty in preparing a lemon cake, she writes:
I'm sorry that you had a problem.  Cooking the lemon filling is a little bit delicate.

As if to say, well that's certainly never happened to me.  What kind of ham-fisted, bad technique are you using?

The products and items she suggests buying are mostly rather expensive.  My favorite however has to do with her silver bowls (which I'd like to point out that Mia happens to also have (I'm going to steal them!)):
Where can I find Ina's silver bowls?

The bowls are old hotel silver that have been re-silver-plated. They're from a wonderful company called Hotel Silver. They're antiques, so you can't be sure of any particular dish but Hotel Silver is sold at Bergdorf Goodman in NY City on the 6th floor and online at I like them because they're the kind of silver you can use every day.


My plan is pretty much to move with Mia to wherever Ina is and insinuate ourselves in her circle.  Then she'll adopt us.  Can you imagine how amazing it would be to have Ina Garten mother you???  Well, hopefully it wouldn't get all Jewish grandmothery in the way that she'd guilt trip me about everything and passive aggressively insult me at every turn--you know what?  Fine, I'd put up with it.  Just cook for me, giggle nervously, ask me a million rhetorical questions, and narrate everything you do in soothing tones.

When I think about it more, Ina has some faggotry up in her as well.  As we learned in Paris Is Burning, a faggot will pull a stunt on you, and you won't even realize it until days later.  She could say something about an ingredient or pan, and next week you'll say to yourself, wait a minute, was she reading me?  Wigs off to Queen Ina.