Martha Stewart Tilapia Time!

Not really.  But I do want to share my latest obsession.  I go through food phases where I obsessively prepare the same food for days on end.  This time, as before, it has been tilapia.  But I'm trying to be more health-conscious.  I used to fry it, then I breaded it with dijon, now I bake it.  Get into this shit.  Reasonable caloried, baked fish, high in protein:

-preheat oven to 400 degrizzles F
-pat dry your tilapia filets

-prepare a baking sheet/pan with tin foil and spray with non-stick, fat-free spray

-season one side with salt, pepper, and dill (I like to use lemon pepper mix, so I go easy on the salt)

-place seasoning-side down on foil



-season other side

-place a pat of butter on each filet to cover each

-place lemon slices on each filet in order to cover

-bake for 20 minutes

 -remove the lemon slices and SERVE it, girl

22 g protein, 2 g fat, and NO carbs.  Delicios as hell.  BAM.

The Grudge

"Feeces the Hut."  Unfortunately this scan doesn't pick up the wonderful shading. Mia has the original now.

I don't "hate" a lot. I say I do and that I hate people in general (which is mostly true), but to truly hate someone takes a lot of effort. Even people who have wronged me in deep, soul-crushing ways I manage to forgive. Except one. It's not so much that she hurt me, but the woman had such audicity to treat people like shit and berate and belittle everyone and exert authority where none existed. She was my boss for a while, and I hated her at first. We got in a yelling match, and I let that twat know I was not to be fucked with. Then we got along great. Then Mia showed up and the bitch, we'll call her Feeces, started alternating favorites and trying to pit us against each other. Well Feeces was a super cunt and compromised my employer's relationship with other businesses, so a bitch had to go. I texted her a little afterward, then one time, I didn't answer her call and just texted her the next day. She obviously felt slighted, so she never responded to a subsequent text. Ever since, I've focused on how awful she was. Mia and I recount our time with her like war veterans. This bitch reminds me of her, please WATCH THIS SHIT.

I could write pages about how horrible and disgusting this woman was. Like how she'd chow on popcorn at her desk, or how she'd shit in the bathroom and it would literally stink the whole office up. But I won't go there.

Anyway, the point is, I was writing about Feeces this morning and had this to say:

I hope she gets some pussy wasting disease and it rots her from the inside out and she's miserable for years before I finally come to her bedside, whisper "fuck you," and smother her with a pillow. Too much?

Textual Intercourse: Musings on Ina Garten

me: On Ina this morning, she was saying how truffle butter is surprisingly inexpensive and bragging about how expensive saffron is lol

Mia:  hahaha she's ridic

Mia:  Love her

me:  It was outrageous and so perfectly her

Mia:  How many times did she mention that saffron is the stamen of crocuses

me:  Just once

Mia:  Lame

me:  She had it in a little clear box like crack rocks

Mia:  Hahaha omg it is Ina crack

Mia:  Crack is prob cheaper than saffron

me:  Lol

me:  She crushes and snorts it.  Freebasing saffron

Mia:  melting it down on the spoon

me:  See how it turns the liquid in the syringe that gorgeous yellow? How bad could that be?

Mia:  find a GOOD vein

me:  Hahahahahahaha

Mia:   :)

me:  If your arm is too riddled with track marks, between your toes is fine

Mia:  Lol we are horrible

Textual Intercourse: Pooping at Work

This video I posted really had a lasting change in my life.

Textual Intercourse: Clubfoot Shentessa

I made this one, don't hate.

me:  Did you know Ina won the daytime emmy for outstanding lifestyle/cooking host in 2009 and 2010?

Mia:  bish has TWO emmys??? gangsta!

Ina refused to meet a Make-A-Wish kid who wanted to cook with her. GANGSTA.

Textual Intercourse: Have Fun Smelling My Poops, Bitches

Text Fail: TMI Edition

Textual Intercourse: Ina Garten

I watch at least one episode of Barefoot Contessa every day, and I'm always finding more gems.  In her Ask Ina section, her response to a question about gravy is priceless (ps she used the same recipe and same footage 3 years running: make a new one!).  It's simultaneously bitchy gayness and mean girl.

 me:  OMG rarely her NY accent comes out and it's mazong.

me:  Toss it all togethah

Mia:  She covers that shit up like a teen pregnancy

From Ina's Kitchen

Well, not quite.  But from Ina's kitchen in Mia's head.  She wrote this phenomenal ficticious Ina Garten recipe.  Please enjoy!

Boeuf Bourguignon



Step 1: Put on Shent.
Step 2: Curl Bangs.

BAM.  We are ready to go!

Ingredients:
3 1/3 lbs grass-fed, antibiotic-free, massaged filet mignon
30 pearl onions. The ones with real pearls in the middle, please, it's worth it!
1 lb baby bella mushrooms. This means they MUST be picked from the earth, by a baby, named Bella.
2 carrots from your garden (OBVS)
Butter and Olive Oil (pressed by hand please)
1 cup of GOOD red wine, I always say, don't cook with it unless you would drink it by the glass! Or bucket!
4 excitable faggots
1 rich husband


Take one of the excitable faggots, and put him to work! He needs to cut the boeuf into 1-inch cubes. And I'm not fucking around here! Anything smaller or larger than 1 inch will be discarded immediately because of the severe impact it has on the flavor. You might want to buy a little extra filet if this is your first time making a real recipe. It's pretty reasonably priced.

Saute the pearl onions until they are soft and the pearl in the middle has come out to say hi! Leave these in the dish, they will impress your guests! Add the mushrooms, and give baby Bella an onion (KEEP the pearl) for her hard work. Add the carrots. Saute until the aroma of money fills your house! Then add the boeuf.

Jeffrey always manages to sneak his way to the kitchen by this point, so use another faggot to distract him so that you can eat chocolate in your walk-in pantry alone!

Drink the red wine in there too.

Once the 3rd and 4th fags find you, it's time to eat! Enjoy! And make sure you eat all of the food except for one scoopful for Jeffrey. The faggots will get upset if you try to feed them.

Textual Intercourse: Pregnant Monsters

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

Mia: I'm so fucking tired

Me:  Diddle your clit.  Solves all problems

Mia: Already did.  BAM

Me:  LOL.  BAM.  Is that what you say when you finish?

Mia:  I ain't a talker

Me:  Except when you're done.

Me:  BAM

Mia:  I go WAHOOOO.  lol omg if I ever did that I would die

Here's a little addendum from emails:

Mia:  Go sleep in the waiting room surrounded by the girls getting aboboed.

Me:  I'll be like DON'T MIND ME, I'MA JUST CURL UP ON THIS COUCH LIKE THE FETUS YOU BOUT TO HAVE SNATCHED OOT

Me:  HAHA  I'm going to love hearing you bitch about your periods now!  OMG when you get knocked up eventually (by roofying Alex and stealing his seed [hahahaha gross terminology]) I want EVERY nasty detail.  Down to the mucus plug and preggo farts.

Mia:  ima just sneaksies a napsies.lol.


I'm going to tell you every gory detail. from inception to lochia. (look that shit up). Unfortch I'm totes gonna have to roofy Alex in order to get preggo. Yesterday I was all "what if you're infertile" and he's all "I could get u pregnant with one look" and I said "why aren't I pregnant then" and he said "Even the most powerful stare is blocked by birth control" and I said "what's your excuse for last month" and he was like "hrmph"
 
Me:  Are you SURE you want to get pregnant?  It destroys your insides and turns you into a disgusting monster (if you carry it to term).  OMG there!  Tell Alex he doesn't have to wrap it up, you can just get a bunch of abobos!  Problem solved.  You loved getting flooded with semen, and you love abortions!  WIN-WIN.

Welcome Back, Kotter

nom nom nom (on cock)

OOPS.  I haven't been here in a hot minute.  Sorry, children.  I've been busy.  Being crazy.  But I'm getting my shit together, and life is a box of chocolates or toilet full of turds, or WHATEVER.  As one of those mannish women on Mob Wives put it: life is a bowl of cherries, and I've got the motherfucking pits to prove it.  ANYSNIZ, I've been neglecting ya'll like Paris Hilton neglects her pets, so I hope none of you died of malnutrition while I was away.  Let's start back softly with a little selection from an SMS conversation between Mia and me.  We were discussing 16 & Pregnant.  Terrible, yes, but everybody knows I watch awful television, so just roll with it.  By the time they start following these bitches, it's too late to ABORT ABORT ABORT, so I always root for ADOPT ADOPT ADOPT.  At least that one couple from the first season had the sense to give their child up.  Seriously, no 16-year-old can properly care for a baby and raise a child.  It's mean to subject it to that.  I''m getting off point.  This one bitch, Allie, who of course should have given her baby up for snatching, had a black girl friend named KB.  I proposed that we guess what those initials stood for.  My guess was Kaneesha Brianna (pretty good guess, right?) and this ensued:

How did that shit ever get made?

Mia: Karquanna Broiledmeat.

me: KARQUANNA BROILEDMEAT

me:  I can't handle that.

me:  too funny

me:  Like she's some kind of McDonald's mascot

Which brings me to this next topic:  Pussyghost.  Pussyghost has become somewhat of a recurring character on the podcast (new one coming soon, I promise) One and a Half F*gs, and she now has her own twitter page!  So follow that bitch and get the latest, most racist lowdown on the afterlife for vaginae.

Mia: Jewess, Wordsmith, Comedienne

"Oh you got a ouchfit?"

This morning I was tasked with writing a report for some events I worked at over a month ago.  I don't remember any of those details!  What time was set-up?  Who was there?  How long?  Any costs?  What did we display?  How was it displayed? What did we hand out?  How many people did we talk to?   On the trill?  That is trippin because I don't know that shit.  I just had to estimate.  When I relayed this to my friend Mia, her response was this:

Here is your summary "Lots of sluts stopped by our booth to get free condoms and pregnancy kits, they supplied their own wire hangers if the pregnancy tests came out badly. It took place on a thursday, it took three hot seconds to set up (i just threw some pills on the table and screamed FREE PUSSY PROTECTION). I was there for an excruciating hour and I set it on fire at the end so I wouldn't have to pack anything up. Three horny co-eds stopped by and they suggested that next year we do free abortions at the fair! I think It's a great idea!"

1 to 10, how much do you love me?
 
How mazongballs is that?  I had to go to the bathroom and laugh because I was starting to make a scene.  Oh yeah, I'm making MAZONG happen.  At least for Mia and me.  It was a typo once, but we've been rolling with it.  Now at least the word predictor in the typing program of my phone knows it.  Just like it knows that when I write "pancake," the next words are most likely going to be "makeup gift certificate" #Starrbooty.  Am I allowed to just hashtag something like that?  Too bad.  I'm forcing it upon your eyes.  Ocular rape.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

Then Mia prompted me to come up with a poem for her.  I was like, WTF, nothing rhymes with your real name.  I decided to switch it up and write a haiku.  Here it be:

Tacos, abortions,

Puppies , and  jizz.  These are what

Come from Mia’s sniz.

Wanna Hear Some Poetry?

I guess this will be my standing post title for poetry from now on.  Whatevs, I'm lazy.  This one won't make much sense, but I'd like to share it.  Mia squirted it out in about 2.5 seconds, and I was so honored.  My only note was that "guy" should be changed to "fag."  Feece was an old boss of mine who would drop the narstiest deuces at work.  It would somehow stink up the bathroom for hours.  Ugh.  I shudder at the mere thought of it.

The once was a guy named Dan,
Who had shitz at work that ran,
He loved shitting in peace,
Except not after Feece,
Because she really stank up the can

Textual Intercourse

I whip my head back and forth

Here's a little excerpt from a conversation between me and my soul sister Jewess Mia:


Mia:  my cat is being annoying

Me: give it some peanut butter and a water spritz in the FACE

Mia:  lol he would bitch slap me back

Me:  slap that pussy

Mia:  he is more annoying than a child. 

Me: too bad shaking a cat only makes it angry

. . .

Me: I like my babies shaken, not stirred

Mia: lol what's that from?

Me:  ME