Thursday, April 2, 2009

A Letter of Resignation from Paris Hilton's Vagina



Ms. Hilton,

I rejoice to inform you that this letter serves as my notice of resignation. Today is my last day as your whipping girl. When I started this job, I looked forward to a quiet, modest career. My good friend Candy Spelling recommended you to me, saying that you were a sweet, innocent girl who would quickly settle with a tasteful man. Things were fine at first. I'm all about performing my duties, in fact, for a long time I worried that I wouldn't be put to any use at all. You were a lanky, gangly young girl, yet you blossomed into a train wreck of a whore. Somehow that stink eye of yours didn't manage to ward off the phalanx of cock to which you subjected me.

I will NEVER be the same--both physically and emotionally. I've had to scrounge my savings from your substandard pay in order to surgically regain my former shape. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have Michelle Duggar's snatch laughing behind my back? I'm going to be out of commission for several weeks, but thank God I have friends in tight places. I got a connection to put a call in to Miley Cyrus for me, and her dad isn't opposed to the idea of a secondhand vagina. That's a good girl if I've ever seen one. I bet she wouldn't go all Chris Brown on me. I bet she's not even into spacedocking.

You're the fame whore, NOT me. Why did you have to constantly expose me? I've been seeing a psychiatrist twice a week for the past three years for depression and anxiety thanks to you. That's not milky discharge, those are tears! Trust me, you will be getting the bills.

I don't know what's worse: the concentrated abuse or the complete inattention afterward. Congratulations, more substances enter your anus than exit it. I suppose the only thing I have to be grateful for is waxing me. That's the only way you dealt with those crabs, and even then it was unintentional.

Since that day in sixth grade after school with your math teacher, I have looked forward to this letter. Seriously, a T ruler and a compass? I STILL have scars. Here is a list of other things I look forward to never looking me in the face again:


  • bowling ball
  • watermelon
  • Nerf football
  • Verne Troyer
  • all LA Lakers
  • all LA Sparks
  • anyone else named Paris (is there no limit to your vanity?)
  • Capri Sun
  • lawn jockeys
  • mayonnaise as lubricant
  • Restylane syringes
  • 1/2 scale model of the Washington Monument
  • Virgin Mary statuette
  • OJ Simpson

In conclusion, enjoy your life as a neutered Barbie doll, because, guess what? I threw in your asshole to sweeten the deal with Billy Ray, and we leave tonight. I'm doing everything in my power to spread the word that you are a terrible employer. I have blogs, Twitter, Facebook, AND MySpace pages dedicated to your filthy behavior. You'll never screw in this town again.

Kindly fuck yourself (oh wait, you can't anymore),

Leona

P.S. I left you a parting gift. Here's a hint: it rhymes with AIDS.