Friday, March 30, 2012

Lana del Rey Can Eat A Bowl of Dicks

I barely paid enough attention to her SNL performance to notice that she presented as a malfunctioning robot in slow motion.  I just don't care for that bitch.  I have made a commitment to myself to never intentionally listen to or view her.  I much rather prefer parody versions of her.

Judy Winslowed

Brady and I love the story of Judy Winslow.  She was part of the family on Family Matters, and one day she went up to her room and never came down.  They retconned the shit out of her.  It was as if she never existed.  We love to use the term as a verb.  I've Judy Winslowed a few people in my life.  It's a sad but sometimes necessary move.  I got inspired by the My Little Ponies: Friendship Is Magic meme of Princess Celestia banishing bitches to the moon and created this:

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

St. Petersburg House of Discreet Pleasure

I've known of this show titled Svetlana for a while now, but I finally got into it this weekend.  I finished the two seasons tonight.  The titular character is a Russian madam/prostitute in L.A. dealing with the everyday stuggles of whoredom and life and features so many funny bitches you already know.  She's brought to life by the genius comedian Iris Bahr.  No really, she might be a genius, having studied neuropsychology at Brown.  To be fair, I took some neuropsych classes, and it's not as hard as it sounds (#humblebrag).  She's certainly gifted in every aspect of entertainment.  I tried to figure out how I knew her, but it wasn't until I looked her up that I realized she was in some of the best Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes of all time... the season 5 episodes where Larry pretends to be Jewish.  Look into it.  Sidenote: her memoir Dork Whore is available on the Kindle for $1.99!  ANYWAY, Svetlana is laugh-out-loud hilarious and dirty and fantastic.  It's on a random channel called HDNet that I apparently get after all.  Thanks to this show, my inner monologue now has a Russian accent.  Get into it, children.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Grudge

"Feeces the Hut."  Unfortunately this scan doesn't pick up the wonderful shading. Mia has the original now.

I don't "hate" a lot. I say I do and that I hate people in general (which is mostly true), but to truly hate someone takes a lot of effort. Even people who have wronged me in deep, soul-crushing ways I manage to forgive. Except one. It's not so much that she hurt me, but the woman had such audicity to treat people like shit and berate and belittle everyone and exert authority where none existed. She was my boss for a while, and I hated her at first. We got in a yelling match, and I let that twat know I was not to be fucked with. Then we got along great. Then Mia showed up and the bitch, we'll call her Feeces, started alternating favorites and trying to pit us against each other. Well Feeces was a super cunt and compromised my employer's relationship with other businesses, so a bitch had to go. I texted her a little afterward, then one time, I didn't answer her call and just texted her the next day. She obviously felt slighted, so she never responded to a subsequent text. Ever since, I've focused on how awful she was. Mia and I recount our time with her like war veterans. This bitch reminds me of her, please WATCH THIS SHIT.

I could write pages about how horrible and disgusting this woman was. Like how she'd chow on popcorn at her desk, or how she'd shit in the bathroom and it would literally stink the whole office up. But I won't go there.

Anyway, the point is, I was writing about Feeces this morning and had this to say:
I hope she gets some pussy wasting disease and it rots her from the inside out and she's miserable for years before I finally come to her bedside, whisper "fuck you," and smother her with a pillow. Too much?

Monday, March 19, 2012

Chow Down

Yes, girl. Get into it. I don't give a shit about these Christian companies hating on gays. If I like your PRODUCK, I'ma pay yo ass. In-N-Out, you keep on putting your Jesus shit on the bottom of your containers, I'll take a double-double with crispy fries, NO animal style please, because I do not see mayonnaise. Chik-Fil-A, I've always avoided you for some reason, but I respect yo ass based on other faggoty opinions. Do your thing, cuz it brings about genius like this.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Miss Cleo!

You'll recognize this queen from the current season of Ru Paul's Drag Race:   Dwayne Milan.  This is a delightful video in which Milan shines, unlike in RDR.  Girl was out of place up in that show.  She is a performer and comedian, but her style is just not for Ru.  Get into the envelope that has "PHONE BILL" written on it in marker. I will also be stealing as my signature move the lick-lick-nip-nip. Trust.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Worth 1000 Words

This insurance site sure does hate women.

I SAID pop them titties out, bitch.

Monday, March 12, 2012

12 and Pregnant

I totally went to school with bitches like this.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Textual Intercourse: Brotherly Love

brother:  Dude John Carter looks cool

me:  I wonder what it's rated

brother:  XXX: John Carter hangs mad dong and fucks 3 tittied green bitches