Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Poopin Missle Crisis


I rarely poo at work. On my first day back at work, I pooed in the morning before I started working, and it was a close call. When I flushed, the ahem, material went down the drain, but then the water level started to rise! Right before it was about to spill over I said a little prayer and flushed again. Luckily it worked that time, and there was no overflow of nasty blue water. I didn't really want to be the guy who fucked up the toilet my first day at work. Today was the first time I dropped a deuce during actual office hours. I'm a thorough wiper. I get it as clean as I can, and I would totally keep a stash of babywipes here for me. I prefer to save my poops for a time when I can shower afterward, but that's not always possible. Bidets are both practical and awesome. The point is I use a lot of terlet paper. That was the problem today. It's not like I took such a massive shit that the pipes couldn't handle it. I did my business during business hours, and a funny thought occurred to me: "watch today be the day the toilet overflows." I flushed, and the dense mass of toilet paper wouldn't go through the hole! I freaked out. I grabbed the toilet brush and tried to nudge it down to no avail. Meanwhile the water is rising, getting closer and closer to shaming me. I turned the stick around and jabbed the terletmass with the thin end to see if that made a difference while flushing again. The water continued to rise, and I gave up all hope. I started washing my hands, waiting for the inevitable. Then I heard a familiar noise. . . could it be? Yes! The toilet flushed properly! Crisis averted.


Here's part of a message I got from Lila a while back, names changed:

"Last week my slutty roommate Brianna had some guy named Winston spend the night. The next morning, he dropped a deuce in our toilet and left. When we went in, the whole thing was clogged and overflowing. Talk about getting up close and personal with the person you just slept with. We made Brianna unclog it."