Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Crotchfruit

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I ran into an old friend today. By "old" I don't mean aged and rickety, just that I've known her for a while. Actually she could totally use some botox and a little plumping, but the point is that she told me she was "expecting." Expecting what? I had no idea what she was talking about. Maybe it's because she's always been a lil' thick and had cankles, so I couldn't tell she was four months pregnant. After an awkward pause and a realization on my part, I tried to figure out what to say. "Um, congrats on accomplishing what thousands of unwed teenage badgirls do every year?" Or maybe, "Ooooh, I'm sorry. Will you be going to a doctor to take care of it or the good old-fashioned method of throwing yourself down the stairs? I myself am a traditionalist." Then she felt the need to tell me that it happened on their first try. Thanks. I really needed to know that, Fertile Myrtle. I said, "you know what that makes me think of? Your vagina. You know what I hate thinking about. . . your. . . vagina." I think I ruined her day. Anyway, she's expecting twatvomit in May. I'm expecting her to scream, cry, and shit the bed.

Leave Them Street 'Mones Alone

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David Cook looks like a female-to-male transexual in the worst way possible.
Glued pubes on the face do not a man make.

BWNHI

My coworker is my favorite kind of person. A sassy black woman. Let's call her Shawnda. If you want something done, there's nothing like a black woman NOT HAVING IT. Is your Starbucks order taking too long? Get you a BWNHI. Does it look like that asshole over there is talking shit about you? (doesn't matter if he is or not) BWNHI. Is that cop giving you a speeding ticket? Well, let it go, because BWNHI might get you arrested. We discuss this all the time. We decided that black people and Jews have a special bond because we learn about persecution at such a young age. We were at a work dinner last night when someone (whitewhitewhite) told Shawnda that Atlanta was "like Hollywood for the blacks." We just looked at each other like "is this bitch for real?" There are just some things you can't say. I think I'll go tell Shawnda "I love your people!"

Breathing Finger Cozy

Let's consider someone like Paris Hilton for a moment, hmm? She's ugly. Don't get me wrong, I like her, and I think she's much smarter than she lets on. But daymn. She's crazy wealthy and has surely had access to cosmetic surgeries her whole life. I'm sure she's had plenty, and THAT is how she ends up? Her eyes alone look like a fucking Picasso.
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She is to' the fuck up and seven kinds of busted. Which begs the question--what must she have looked like before any procedures? I'll tell you: Sloth from The Goonies--with a bad weave.
Sloth a.k.a. Paris Hilton before surgeries