Wednesday, March 11, 2009

On No, It's Real

Class With The C(o)untess is actually happening. Some dumbfuck actually paid this uppity bitch to write about her journey from lowly trash of Native American heritage to gold digging slag and give baseless etiquette tips on the way. By the way, I thought we were calling them American Indians now. The best part of the book page is the discussion forum. It has one post:



Cristina Fischer says:
From the Post, about de Lesseps's antics at a friend's wedding:LuAnn, who was there with her husband, Alexandre Count de Lessups [sic], seemed overwhelmed with affection for her fellow guests. "She was trying to make out with women and married men," the source said. "A pregnant wife caught her in the act, stormed off and walked home in disgust." Alexandre "tried to make her leave and was seen throwing her to the ground in the parking lot," our spy continued.


OMG! The Countess is that sloppy, old sorority sister that you had to invite to the wedding but you were nervous would lose control and misbehave. (Those ones always prove you right for dropping them the minute you turn 26.) Apparently LuAnn wasn't just kissing married men, she was grabbing at their crotches, too. She also stole the mike and started singing songs during the wedding band's set, thereby interrupting the dancing - the worst marriage party foul of all. LuAnn and the Count deny the entire "Page Six" report. Still, we can't wait for Bravo! to try to re-create the scene, and get one of their reality producers to take a dump in the "Just Married"-mobile and pin it on LuAnn.



I came across a photo of the Crusty Cuntess' son today:



It's creepy that he has the same haircut as his mother. On the other hand, they would totally win Motherboy!

Zzzzzzzzzz



The real housewives need to duke it out or dyke it out already, because these bitches are straight up soporific. I haven't decided if it's a good thing that soporific is the first word to come to mind. Anyway, I'll save you an hour of your life. Jill is boring, New Girl is lame (except for being arrested recently), Ramona has bug eyes, Luann is delusional, Alex is human Ambien, Bethenny is the only one in on the joke, and they're all cunty. The best moment occurred when Alex was packing her house for renovations:

"Probably don't need the denim ball gown, as much as I love it."

Hey, Tulsy Tsan, NOBODY needs a denim ball gown. Ever. Moreover, that's a fucking oxymoron. It's more like something Britney Spears would call her "eatin' dress."


One of the disturbing yet comforting facts of the world is that truly ANYONE can get laid. If you look hard enough, there's always someone kinky or strange enough to fuck the unfuckable.

Fatherhood



I'm just going to share my favorite part of the recent G's To Gents with you. The suave fellow you see above has a baby mama at home, and he receives a phone call alerting him to his situation:

Friend: I got some bad news. You got twins on the way, boy.

Oh snap, let's see what his BM has to say about it:

Baron: Whatchu finna do about that?
BM: Whatchu think I'm gonna do about that?
Baron: You don't need money tho? (the subtitle on the screen actually appeared as "tho.")
BM: Yes I do. Badly.

Was I the only thinking she needed money for a 2 for 1 special on unbirthing? Damnit, I know I had that coupon around here somewhere!

By the way, there are way too many pages for definitions of abortion on Urban Dictionary to read at the moment, but here's a good one:


7.
abortion
795 up, 749 down
The hilarious procedure in which a soon-to-be ugly baby is instead destroyed before it has a chance to wreak havoc on the world.

Contrary to popular belief, abortion is actually a life saving procedure. The rate of aborted babies that went on to commit murder is 0%, a percentage significantly lower than the rate of unaborted babies.

When it comes to "when life begins", a poll of aborted babies concluded that none of them minded being aborted too much. Their response was similar to that of a pool of semen, who were also not very distressed at not getting a chance at life.

Abortion should be a mandatory procedure for anyone not capable of raising a child, or with genes deemed "unsatisfactory."

Adoption Agencies should eliminate all of the infants they get. (but only if they haven't recieved their soul from god yet!!)
by IEATLIVEPUPPIES Apr 28, 2005

Bitches Gotta Go


Finally! A satisfying episode of the Bad Girls Club. The bitches are still in Mexico, and Ailea and Boston are gloating after beating up Cookie. There's a great clip of Boston trying to pass the blame because to her, you nevah take ya shoe off and hit somebody. She goes on for a couple minutes about how wimpy it is and how a real woman kits with her fists. Meanwhile the clever editors of the program show footage of at least three instances in which she wields her shoe as a weapon.

Sarah and the new skank (I can't even be bothered to remember her name) sate their cock-hungry cuntholes with their Mexican playthings. Here's a snippet of their conversation after:

Sarah: Is that bad that I just did Noah's high five after I just fucked a weird Mexican?
Other: Who cares? You used a condom. It doesn't count.

That is quite an admirable attitude, young lady. How many guys do you have to have sex with to obtain it? Sarah is quite pleased with herself. She says they're using their sex appeal to get what they want from the guys. I'm sorry, but it's not really an accomplishment for you to get drunk and have sex with a guy. Besides, the natives were using you too. Don't act like a pimp, because you know what? Like your mouth, vagina, and anus, it's a two-way street.

Initially after the beatdown, Ailea insists that she did nothing wrong in her eyes. That's okay, honey, Chris Brown didn't do anything wrong either.

Then Tiffany either proves she has a conscience and a heart or a healthy fear of consequences. Either way, it prompts her to quote some bullshit fraternity/sorority mantra about excuses.

The cops interview everyone, and Ailea denies wrongdoing and fingers Boston--no, not in the vagical g-spot kind way. Boston gets kicked off the show with no regrets of ganging up on another girl to beat her up. You're not giving your namesake a good reputation, sweety. I hope she was welcomed home with cyanide cocktails.

Tiffany calls a house meeting and calls Ailea out for being a hypocritical twat. Ailea gives the most pathetic apology ever and says she's sorry for how Cookie feels about how things went down. Sigh. Then she offers to go home, thinking that Cookie won't follow through with it, but oh she does!

And that's the story of how in the course of one day the Fab Five became the Thick Three.

p.s. the picture is only tangentially related to the BGC. It's a picture that shows up for a Google image search of "Ailea," but it's strangely fitting for the Thick Three theme.