Sunday, May 31, 2009

Dead Texty



Friday:
Me: . . . but i got away for a facial this afternoon. unfortunately not the sexy kind


This morning:
Me: A bird just shat ON MY FACE.
Lola: So basically you got TWO facials this weekend :)
Me: and lucky me, this one WAS at least white

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Star Text



I won't go into a review of Star Trek other than to say it was absolutely entertaining. Oh, and I want to make the live-long-and-prosper sign with two fingers in Spock, two in Kirk, and a thumb in Uhura's vag. Moving on. . .


Yogi: Speaking of men, have you seen star trek?
Me: omg loved it. i want chris pine inside me STAT
Yogi: Affirmative.
Me: base ops, we are GO for penetration. repeat, we have a green light on intercourse
Yogi: I've got a place he can boldy go. Although other men have gone there before. lbh
Yogi: I could go for the new spock too. emotionless? At least he won't cry like the last couple guys.
Me: yeah and he won't want to cuddle
Yogi: I pulled out. Why are you still here?



Then we move on to the subject of women with narrow-set vaginas.

Yogi: OMG
Me: i was like "wtf? do you have a glass vagina?"
Yogi: Put on your rape face.
Me: YES. it done been on


Jersey Skanks






New Cast of Real Housewives Draws More Than Ire


I almost decided not to write about Real Housewives of New Jersey, but this is too good to pass up. By good I mean bad, as in the kind that makes me appreciate my modest Midwest upbringing because these people are the worst and push me to wishing I could bite my eyeballs out. It's a dirty job with big hair, too much make up, and possible connections to organized crime, but some judgmental schmuck with the ability to string words into semi-coherent sentences has the option to do it.


At this point, a new iteration of the program feels like Return of the Real Housewives, The First Blood Last Reckoning Crusade Strikes Back: Escape From New Jersey Reloaded. There hasn't been any major drama yet, so we're just getting to know the ladies. After only three episodes the women seem to be, sad to say, more real than the rest of their spin-off sisters. I of course mean "real" not in the physical sense (especially since there appears to be an upcoming plot line about one cast member getting fake "bubbies," and my eyes can't roll far enough into the back of my head for that phrase, I'd have to be epileptic) but in the intangible, wait-a-minute-I-think-some-of-these-women-might-actually-have-values-and-genuine-concerns kind of way. It is not unlike growing up and realizing that your parents aren't evil, they have feelings, they are people too, and they just want what is best for you. Or when you found out Soylent Green was people.

I'd just like to make some observations on the ladies. I'll try to pick my favorite, but it's such a close race right now. I can't decided if my criteria for favorite is whom I loathe the most or least. There's Danielle, the resident cougar. On a scale of zero to graduate student, she's clearly preparing her doctoral thesis in Selective Worstology. Dani (that's what I call her, because we're tight like that) seems to be constantly randy and wants nothing more than a walking penis with a wallet big enough for her and her children. I get it. Security is highly desirable, but she could stand to remove the delusion-colored glasses. Being open and honest with your children is great, but they really don't need to know that you're having phone sex with strangers and propositioning your twenty-years-your-junior beau for bathroom nookie at what appears to be a high-end restaurant. Applebee's would be another story. Close up shop, Dani.


Teresa is a fascinating character. She and her husband have three adorable daughters. They're building their dream home that is shaping up to look like a tackier version of She-Ra's Crystal Castle, but filled with only marble and granite. Because those are clearly the perfect substances with which to fill a home occupied by three hyperactive, rambunctious young children with developing and hardening skulls. Good call. According to Bravo's website, the husband is an entrepreneur with multiple businesses, including construction. Teresa pays cash for everything at the instruction of her husband Tony Soprano—wait, that's not his name. Big Pussy told her to—no , that's also wrong. I guess his name is just Joe. Anyway, Teresa takes the girls shopping about twice a week using cash funds. Did you see that? Yes! There they are: RED FLAGS. Have at it, FBI. Shut it down.


The tepid oatmeal of the bunch is Jacqueline. She's Danielle's only friend, but she's married into the family of my two yet-to-be-judged cast members, and they have mad cow beef. Jacqueline is caught in the middle and inspires no vehemence. She has two children: a teenage girl whom she spoiled and neglected as well as a younger boy she dotes on. Jacqueline Milquetoast is determined to have another child, basically to rear correctly since she already ruined the other two, but she's had four miscarriages in a row. That's terribly sad, and I wish her the best, but everything is subjective. I've known a few women in my life who would love a poisoned womb. You know, the I-want-to-have-your-abortion sort of gal.


Then there's Dina. First of all, change your name. The only Dina from New Jersey I recognize is Dina Lohan, and she's got all these women in submission for Unmother of the Century. She did get points for saying that she was worried Danielle would skin her and wear her like "last year's Versace." Buffalo Bill references are the way to my heart. This Dina founded a charitable organization for kids with cancer and runs an event planning business. Touché, Dina. Well played. She helps sick children and throws parties for people to celebrate life-defining events, so what can I hate on her for? Oh yes, she's an admitted "work bitch." That's a cutely sad way of saying that working with her is like a stay at Gitmo. Some of the other housewives laugh about it, but Jacqueline seems genuinely frightened. I respect knowing what you want and recognizing what must be done, but there is always a diplomatic way of doing it without hurting anyone. Dina's defense is that she's always like that when she works. Oh, I get it. She's always a hateful dictator at work, and her baseline mode is bitch, so it's acceptable. That's like telling a racist joke and justifying it by pointing out that you're always racist. Got logic? Judging by the lack of logic mustache on your upper lip, Dina, I'd say no.


Rounding out the cast is Dina's sister Caroline. She is married to Dina's husband's brother, which I guess is legal? Beats me. Caroline wins my favorite least worst award so far. I wouldn't mind having her as a mother, and it looks like she's a good cook. She's very loving and protective of her kids and is mostly smiles and sass. If I only had room for one of these women in my fallout shelter, she wins a trip through a post-apocalyptic wasteland with me. According to preview footage she can also let loose the rage when she needs to: "Ouwa fammaly iz thick az thievez." That was meant to be read phonetically with an accusatory pointer finger wagging. She has three children, two of which work in the family catering business. The other is a son, Albie, who is supposedly going to law school and seems like he could have a good head on his shoulders. My Facebook friend request to him is still pending, so cross your fingers! I even included a manipulative, deceptive message I thought might help my chances of acceptance. The daughter isn't really worth mentioning at this point, and the other son wants to open a chain of strip club/car washes because there's a market for that? Only in New Jersey.


This season shows promise in the drama front, but there might be more to it. I won't go as far as predicting that there will be substance, but perhaps I won't have only negative feelings for the cast. These five women are already light years ahead of their Real Housewives of. . . predecessors, so it's go time, ladies. I double dog dare you to make me like you.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Haifiveku


Her vagina is
Like a TARDIS: it is bigger
On the inside

Friday, May 22, 2009

A New Low



For some reason, the phrase "put on your rape face" just magically materialized in my head. I've never seen it anywhere, but according to Google, I'm not the first to think of it. Let's just say I am. Examples:


Guy 1: Hey, bro, big party at Pi Phi tonight. Put on your rape face.


Girl 1 (on phone): The party was lame, I'm walking home alone.
Girl 2 (on phone): Uh-oh, better put on your rape face.



So. . . have fun with that.

Monday, May 11, 2009

RE: "Valley Girls" Gossip Girl Spinoff


It's nice to see that
Cynthia Watros is still
Getting work these days

Sunday, May 10, 2009

He Asked For It



Brother: If anyone asks why I don't comment, I'm going to sign to you and you translate.
Me: My brother says he's sorry, but he hasn't been the same since the syphilis took his voice.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

The More You Know


2 Girls 1 Cup is just the trailer for a pornographic film called Hungry Bitches. Good to know.

Haifiveku

After I put on
My robe and wizard hat, I
Crave barbeque beef

D-d-damn



I've never been into poledancing at all, but this bitch has some moves. It's rather beautiful and mesmerizing. So much so that I almost forgot she probably has sex for money.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Haifiveku

An open poem
To Tyler Perry: get the
Fuck out of Star Trek

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Haifiveku

Bat For Lashes: She's
A watered down version of
Bjork for white people

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Haifiveku

Although I'm not into
Her, Miley makes me feel
Like a pedophile

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Haifiveku

I miss Fred Burkle
That Oprah is a liar
Thongs don't feel so bad

The Queen Is Back

As you might know, I used to be obsessed with Lil' Kim. While this has faded over the years, I was excited to see what her new video had to offer. Not much, but that's okay. The song is terrible, but it's good for a few laughs. The video features her Dancing With The Stars partner Derek Hough looking faggier than ever. The beard does NOT serve to butch him up, in fact he's as gay as cum on a mustache. The video is also a Donaghy Estates-like ad for what I can only assume is a horrible new alcoholic beverage called Nuvo. Oh, here it is: the world's first sparkling liqueur. Good idea, that's just what the world has been lacking. Fuck those starving AIDS orphans with cleft palates, what we need is carbonated Amaretto. Maybe Jägermeister will get an upgrade next.

Some gems in the lyrics:

  • HE WANNA EXPLORE ME LIKE THE INTERNET.
  • HE A THUG SO I HIT HIM ON HIS GMAIL.

Those last two are borderline genius. Congratulations, middleaged white women who write pun-laden lyrics for hip-hop artists.