What in the Sideboob Hell Is This?

Woof, it looks like Foxy Brown has been slipping. Back in the day, when she and Lil' Kim were relevant, I was on Team Kim. Duh. If you know me, then you know I wrote my university entrance essay about Lil' Kim and included a picture of her topless. Because we're both classy like that. I grudgingly enjoyed Foxy's album Chyna Doll in high school. I even admitted it in an article I wrote for my highschool newspaper. It was kind of fun, but mostly ridiculous, but still nowhere near as inventive as Lil' Kim's lyrics. Then, because I'm a terrible person, I was secretly pleased when Foxy lost her hearing. They thought it would be permanent, which was kind of sad, but really I didn't give a fuck. I thought of it as karma for daring to besmirch the glorious creation that is Kim. I haven't seen her in years, much less thought about her, which is why this picture is so surprising. I didn't realize she had gotten so thick--which isn't a bad thing. Oh no, thick can certainly be beautiful. It's the titties that are killing me. Check out that sideboob! That is intense sideboob action. She just looks like she's spent way too many years not wearing a bra. Do yourself a favor, girl, and get a breast lift STAT. The bootleg Xena fetish outfit isn't helping things either. I suggest investing in coursets and girdles. I remember she used to talk trash about homosexuals in her raps. This must be the recourse: now she has no queers around to say "oh HELL no" and stuff her ass in some spanx. Again, karma is a mean, bitchy faggot.

The Queen Is Back

As you might know, I used to be obsessed with Lil' Kim. While this has faded over the years, I was excited to see what her new video had to offer. Not much, but that's okay. The song is terrible, but it's good for a few laughs. The video features her Dancing With The Stars partner Derek Hough looking faggier than ever. The beard does NOT serve to butch him up, in fact he's as gay as cum on a mustache. The video is also a Donaghy Estates-like ad for what I can only assume is a horrible new alcoholic beverage called Nuvo. Oh, here it is: the world's first sparkling liqueur. Good idea, that's just what the world has been lacking. Fuck those starving AIDS orphans with cleft palates, what we need is carbonated Amaretto. Maybe Jägermeister will get an upgrade next.

Some gems in the lyrics:

• HE WANNA EXPLORE ME LIKE THE INTERNET.
• HE A THUG SO I HIT HIM ON HIS GMAIL.

Those last two are borderline genius. Congratulations, middleaged white women who write pun-laden lyrics for hip-hop artists.

Apropos Burka

Out of nowhere last night, a lyric from a Lil' Kim song came to mind. It's a line from her song "Drugs": "Freak it arabic style, sha-muck-daha-steesy." I never really wondered what she was saying, but my friend Sayeed who speaks Arabic enlightened me in college. What she really says is (sounds like, no clue how to spell it out) "sharmut, el has dizi" which means "bastard, lick my ass." She is so smart. Good for her, she knows how to be a nasty skeezer while breaking language barriers.

My Girl

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Palm, Meet Forehead

Becaues I don't have enough reasons to be unhappy, I started watching Gossip Girl. I was flabbergasted when I saw the below video in an episode.



Do real choirs do this shit? Fergie's "Glamorous" a capella is. . . interesting? I would personally love to see a choir give the same treatment to Akinyele's "Put It In Your Mouth." I'm actually really digging this guy's version:



This is the kind of music I liked as a kid. I bought and memorized Lil' Kim's Hard Core when I was 13. Somehow I don't think there were too many 13-year-olds who know every word to songs like "Fuck You" and "Big Momma Thang." I loved how the first track led right into "Big Momma Thang." It's a skit of a guy at a porn theater who gets a small popcorn and an extra large butter. He then proceeds to jerk it to Kim's movie using the butter, and right after he yells "Work it, bitch!" the track starts. Priceless.