Friday, November 4, 2011

How Easy Is That?

I've recently written a few posts and not published them because they are super depressing and EMO.  Maybe this will lighten the load.  I recently discovered Food Network Humor, and I've been obsessively reading every post.  My favorite posts are the user-submitted ones with recipes as created by a fake Ina Garten.


French Style Summer Horcrux

Summer Squash Imbued with Unicorn Magic

Ina Garten's Better-Than-Yours Cake

So here is my submission.  Please to enjoy:

Braised Jewish Short Ribs

This is one of my favorite holiday dishes to prepare.  Not only is it a breeze to make, but it’s equally as fun.  I find that it goes over best at the witching hour of the Autumn Solstice.  As my Jeffrey once told me over the phone from his separate wing of our Hamptons manse, this recipe is simply to die for, and for some reason he used the word “fierce.”

1 gilded pail of salt harvested of the waters of the Dead Sea
5.6 tsp of ultraviolet peppercorns
½ cup of maple syrup drawn from a tree of the Garden of Eden
3 cloves of organic geomanced garlic
½ vial of tears of remorse from the current Pope (just tell him you know about his acts of pederasty, that always does the trick for me, teehee!)
2 cups of Romanée-Conti red wine
1 Cher album
1 good adolescent Hebrew (the more Orthodox, the better!)

First when the moon is full, go out to the pen where you keep chained your stock of heathens for ritual sacrifice.  Choose a meaty, young Hebrew.  Whilst bound and gagged, surround the Unclean One with a circle of the salt, reserving 1 ½ tablespoons.  This will ensure that the soul is infused in the meat when you slaughter him, thereby rendering a juicier, more tender final product.  Punch your fist into the Jew’s midsection, and remove its heart in one swift, merciless motion.  You may reserve it for a sauce, but I find that the Jew ribs are satisfying  all on their own.  The rest of the carcass makes for a great Halloween costume once the hide is skinned and tanned.  Using your teeth, break the rib cage down into a rack of six delectably sinful ribs.  Sprinkle the vial of Pope tears on it to counter the taint of God’s “Chosen People.”  Using nothing but the power of your mind, rape the garlic and peppercorns into submission until they break like so many Juden windows on Kristallnacht.  Coat the Israelite’s ribs with the remaining salt and the garlic peppercorn mix.  Heat a large pot on your wood-burning stove, and add the ribs.  After accomplishing a good sear on every side, add the maple syrup, put a lid on the pot, and telekinetically float it to the center of your kitchen.  Pour in one cup of the wine, and retain the rest in your rectum: we’ll come back to that later.  From your family’s (at least) 2000-year-old Grimoire, recite the incantation for the Daedalus Sphere.  Quickly, before all oxygen is consumed from the room, conjure a manifestation of Black Fire inside the sphere.  This reduces the cooking time to a mere 30 minutes.  Just long enough to play the Cher album as loud as you can, which will draw in any stray homosexuals in the near vicinity having liaisons in bushes and behind buildings.  Once they have all gathered, cut one of their throats to extinguish the spells.  You should then expel the remainder of the wine from your bowels onto the ribs to really turn up the volume.  Start the Cher CD over, dig in, and remember to keep rhetorically asking every gay “how easy is that?”