Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Star Text



I won't go into a review of Star Trek other than to say it was absolutely entertaining. Oh, and I want to make the live-long-and-prosper sign with two fingers in Spock, two in Kirk, and a thumb in Uhura's vag. Moving on. . .


Yogi: Speaking of men, have you seen star trek?
Me: omg loved it. i want chris pine inside me STAT
Yogi: Affirmative.
Me: base ops, we are GO for penetration. repeat, we have a green light on intercourse
Yogi: I've got a place he can boldy go. Although other men have gone there before. lbh
Yogi: I could go for the new spock too. emotionless? At least he won't cry like the last couple guys.
Me: yeah and he won't want to cuddle
Yogi: I pulled out. Why are you still here?



Then we move on to the subject of women with narrow-set vaginas.

Yogi: OMG
Me: i was like "wtf? do you have a glass vagina?"
Yogi: Put on your rape face.
Me: YES. it done been on


Jersey Skanks






New Cast of Real Housewives Draws More Than Ire


I almost decided not to write about Real Housewives of New Jersey, but this is too good to pass up. By good I mean bad, as in the kind that makes me appreciate my modest Midwest upbringing because these people are the worst and push me to wishing I could bite my eyeballs out. It's a dirty job with big hair, too much make up, and possible connections to organized crime, but some judgmental schmuck with the ability to string words into semi-coherent sentences has the option to do it.


At this point, a new iteration of the program feels like Return of the Real Housewives, The First Blood Last Reckoning Crusade Strikes Back: Escape From New Jersey Reloaded. There hasn't been any major drama yet, so we're just getting to know the ladies. After only three episodes the women seem to be, sad to say, more real than the rest of their spin-off sisters. I of course mean "real" not in the physical sense (especially since there appears to be an upcoming plot line about one cast member getting fake "bubbies," and my eyes can't roll far enough into the back of my head for that phrase, I'd have to be epileptic) but in the intangible, wait-a-minute-I-think-some-of-these-women-might-actually-have-values-and-genuine-concerns kind of way. It is not unlike growing up and realizing that your parents aren't evil, they have feelings, they are people too, and they just want what is best for you. Or when you found out Soylent Green was people.

I'd just like to make some observations on the ladies. I'll try to pick my favorite, but it's such a close race right now. I can't decided if my criteria for favorite is whom I loathe the most or least. There's Danielle, the resident cougar. On a scale of zero to graduate student, she's clearly preparing her doctoral thesis in Selective Worstology. Dani (that's what I call her, because we're tight like that) seems to be constantly randy and wants nothing more than a walking penis with a wallet big enough for her and her children. I get it. Security is highly desirable, but she could stand to remove the delusion-colored glasses. Being open and honest with your children is great, but they really don't need to know that you're having phone sex with strangers and propositioning your twenty-years-your-junior beau for bathroom nookie at what appears to be a high-end restaurant. Applebee's would be another story. Close up shop, Dani.


Teresa is a fascinating character. She and her husband have three adorable daughters. They're building their dream home that is shaping up to look like a tackier version of She-Ra's Crystal Castle, but filled with only marble and granite. Because those are clearly the perfect substances with which to fill a home occupied by three hyperactive, rambunctious young children with developing and hardening skulls. Good call. According to Bravo's website, the husband is an entrepreneur with multiple businesses, including construction. Teresa pays cash for everything at the instruction of her husband Tony Soprano—wait, that's not his name. Big Pussy told her to—no , that's also wrong. I guess his name is just Joe. Anyway, Teresa takes the girls shopping about twice a week using cash funds. Did you see that? Yes! There they are: RED FLAGS. Have at it, FBI. Shut it down.


The tepid oatmeal of the bunch is Jacqueline. She's Danielle's only friend, but she's married into the family of my two yet-to-be-judged cast members, and they have mad cow beef. Jacqueline is caught in the middle and inspires no vehemence. She has two children: a teenage girl whom she spoiled and neglected as well as a younger boy she dotes on. Jacqueline Milquetoast is determined to have another child, basically to rear correctly since she already ruined the other two, but she's had four miscarriages in a row. That's terribly sad, and I wish her the best, but everything is subjective. I've known a few women in my life who would love a poisoned womb. You know, the I-want-to-have-your-abortion sort of gal.


Then there's Dina. First of all, change your name. The only Dina from New Jersey I recognize is Dina Lohan, and she's got all these women in submission for Unmother of the Century. She did get points for saying that she was worried Danielle would skin her and wear her like "last year's Versace." Buffalo Bill references are the way to my heart. This Dina founded a charitable organization for kids with cancer and runs an event planning business. Touché, Dina. Well played. She helps sick children and throws parties for people to celebrate life-defining events, so what can I hate on her for? Oh yes, she's an admitted "work bitch." That's a cutely sad way of saying that working with her is like a stay at Gitmo. Some of the other housewives laugh about it, but Jacqueline seems genuinely frightened. I respect knowing what you want and recognizing what must be done, but there is always a diplomatic way of doing it without hurting anyone. Dina's defense is that she's always like that when she works. Oh, I get it. She's always a hateful dictator at work, and her baseline mode is bitch, so it's acceptable. That's like telling a racist joke and justifying it by pointing out that you're always racist. Got logic? Judging by the lack of logic mustache on your upper lip, Dina, I'd say no.


Rounding out the cast is Dina's sister Caroline. She is married to Dina's husband's brother, which I guess is legal? Beats me. Caroline wins my favorite least worst award so far. I wouldn't mind having her as a mother, and it looks like she's a good cook. She's very loving and protective of her kids and is mostly smiles and sass. If I only had room for one of these women in my fallout shelter, she wins a trip through a post-apocalyptic wasteland with me. According to preview footage she can also let loose the rage when she needs to: "Ouwa fammaly iz thick az thievez." That was meant to be read phonetically with an accusatory pointer finger wagging. She has three children, two of which work in the family catering business. The other is a son, Albie, who is supposedly going to law school and seems like he could have a good head on his shoulders. My Facebook friend request to him is still pending, so cross your fingers! I even included a manipulative, deceptive message I thought might help my chances of acceptance. The daughter isn't really worth mentioning at this point, and the other son wants to open a chain of strip club/car washes because there's a market for that? Only in New Jersey.


This season shows promise in the drama front, but there might be more to it. I won't go as far as predicting that there will be substance, but perhaps I won't have only negative feelings for the cast. These five women are already light years ahead of their Real Housewives of. . . predecessors, so it's go time, ladies. I double dog dare you to make me like you.