Saturday, January 24, 2009

Aaaaand There It Is



Lo and behold, next episode of GG had a pregnancy scare, but there was no actual pregnancy. Damn. I caught a few minutes of Millionaire Matchmaker with that fugly Patti chick. She was going through pictures of prospective clients, a.k.a. gold diggers, who want to be in the club: "Attractive, attractive, no. (Holds up a particular photo) What's with the hair up? You gotta tell the girls stop putting their hair up. And, like, if I were a guy and I saw this, even on a internet site, would I date this person? Uh, like, NOT." I just happened to recognize the unfortunate gold digger wannabe as Sarah (Agor) from VH1's Scream Queens. You know, the ugly Jewess who couldn't act for shit.



Oh, while I was submitting a definition of "Angelmaker" to Urban Dictionary, I found a few good euphemisms for abortion:


  • embryo relocation
  • life avoidance
  • plan A (okay, that one is mine)
  • problem solving


Fetus Interruptus



I'm watching the first season of Gossip Girl. I'm not very far into the episodes, so maybe this will happen later, but one thought keeps coming back to me. What does this show really need? A good old-fashioned pregnancy scare. Even better--one complete with an angelmaker. That always spices things up. But these days Plan B is available without a prescription, so the issue isn't quite as fun. Plan B does however require one to at least be responsible enough to remember to obtain it within so many days of intercourse. If it's too late for that, you can always just party like crazy for a week or two and nip that in the bud.
XOXO

Singing In The Rain



My cell phone is fucked. When I call voicemail or dial my own number out it calls my friend Paine. I didn't know it was this particular Paine because I get the voicemail message "Hey this is Paine. . ." etc. when I call, and they sound alike, so I wasn't sure it was the cool one until he called me back wondering who the hell has been calling him at all hours. I kept thinking, "maybe it will work this time." No, I have to take my phone to Verizon because they've never heard of a phone doing this. That's a good sign.

Anyway, I was relieved when I realized it was my good friend Paine whom I'd been calling. The other Paine in my phone, whom I going to delete right now, is not someone I'm interested in talking to anymore. He was. . . strange. We hung out a few times several years ago. A typical night would be something like this:
We'd have dinner together then watch some television or a movie. I think anyone over the age of 12 understands that "let's watch a movie" means there's a 90% chance of hooking up. It started normal. Then after he got more comfortable with me after a couple times, he decided to let his freak flag fly. It turns out he had a foot fetish, and he LOVED mine. I have big feet with really long, skinny "fingertoes" that I can use to chimp-style grab things.

I don't know what issues he was working with, but he was all about being degraded. I went along with it once. Okay, well twice, but it's just not my thing. He wanted me to rub my feet on his face, spit on him, call him names, laugh at him, and be generally demeaning. I had to try really hard, because I'm just not a verbal person when it comes to sexy times. And I kind of liked him, so I went along with it. But when it become obvious it would always be like that, I was like, "shut it down."

If that's what gets you off, then cool. Far be it from me to judge people based on their sexual practices. As long as the involved parties are consenting adults, go for it. I've tried some odd things in my young life so far. For one thing, what if it turns out I really enjoy an unusual sexual activity? Then I'd be grateful I'd given it a chance. Secondly, I like to be able to say things like, "yeah, I got peed on once." It just sort of came up in conversation with my guy at the time. He asked if I'd ever done it, I said no, and he asked if I wanted to. I didn't even really think about it. I just said yes. We went to the bathroom and did it. I didn't find it disgusting since we were in the bathtub and about to shower anyway, but I also didn't find it very erotic. I was fine with it happening, but I'm not exactly looking for a repeat. If in the future I'm dating someone, and he really wants to do it, I'll probably do it. However I'll protest somewhat beforehand, and let him think he's talking me into it. What? I don't want to come off as a slutbucket pissqueen.