Tuesday, April 14, 2009

An Interview With Heidi Montag's Mother



Crested Twatte, CO


Darlene Egelhoff sits at her kitchen counter sipping, no, gulping what smells to be vodka from a large wine glass. She says happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier since her daughter has come under harsh criticism from the media and public. You might know her daughter, Heidi Montag of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and various vocal aberrations referred to as her music.

Schadenfreude: Good afternoon, Mrs. Egelhoff, how are you?

Darlene Egelhoff: Whatever, let's get this over with. I want to get paid, and I'm working on a good buzz here.

S: Okay, let's dive right in. What was Heidi like as a child?

DE: You have to understand she wasn't supposed to happen. The abortion didn't work. But then I saw her and fell in love.

S: Wow, I had no idea. So you didn't resent her very existence?

DE: No, not at first. We were inseparable for the longest time. I called her my little abortion that could.

S: That's adorable? Did she always have that insatiable craving for attention that we've all come to know and loathe?

DE: Oh yeah. As soon as she could walk, she was always dancing. Then came all the hurting herself and other people to keep the focus on her. It was never enough. I never got a break. Couldn't even watch my stories without being bothered.

S: And when did she first show interest in singing?

DE: I'll never forget it, she was six years old. I knew I had to do something.

S: What do you mean? Did you try to get her auditions or maybe lessons?

DE: Oh no, she sounded like a wood chipper full of kittens. What I mean is, I took her to Mexico for a "vacation," drugged her, and had her ovaries removed. Told them she had cancer in her ladyparts. Real cheap too, got myself some new tits out of the deal.

S: That sounds so cruel! How could you do that?

DE: Well, what I really wanted was to crush her little voicebox, but they wouldn't do that, even in Mexico. I learned enough Mexican to ask that, and that little doctora just gave me the evil eye and crossed herself.

S: Wow. You are unbelievable. I had more questions, but I think I'll be leaving now. Here's your gift certificate to Target.

DE: Oh please. Don't get all high and mighty with me, you little queer. That babymaker had to be shut DOWN. I'm a goddamn hero! Hey, where are you going? Wait! Don't you want to know about how I fucked Spencer??? He cries during sex and likes a pinky up his ass!

You Sank My Mothership!



Just a day after that ship captain was rescued from Somalian pirates, four more ships have been attacked by pirates. The pirates have gone wild. This is a sentence that people say, and other people comprehend it. What the what? Apparently these pirates keep a bunch of hostages on their mothership, you know, as insurance that no one will just blow it up. It's really not a bad idea. That's what I do. I always make sure to have an excess stock of hostages. I get them at Costco.

I think the solution is clear. Naturally the U.S. needs to take credit for everything, but since we're already in two wars and Pakistan and North Korea are dicey, I think it's time for some good old fashioned OUTSOURCING! Yes, if our government knows what it's doing (shh, let me finish), then we've already hired the pirates only natural enemies: ninjas.

Ouch



It takes a lot to get there, but I'm losing the ability to joyfully wallow in Lindsay Lohan's pain. She's gone beyond crazy-but-still-slightly-humorous-train-wreck and pulled into Sad Town. She just appeared in a Funny or Die video, satiring herself in an eHarmony ad. I guess this could be funny if it hadn't already been done 123,588,600,493 times. It actually serves to make her seem crazier. I'm having trouble putting my finger in it, but it's disturbing! This bitch has crazy in the eyes. And she presents all the "gossip" as if it's just that, and not documented psycho events of her life. Here's how I see it going down:

A) She really makes an effort to get her shit together. Maybe she can go to rehab AGAIN but take it seriously this time and try to learn what she can do about why she's so fucked up (execute her parents perhaps?)

OR

B) Die.

This bitch has clearly been slowly been trying to kill herself for years now, so it's just going to happen if she doesn't do something. And she's not going to be remembered fondly like James Dean. Or even River Phoenix, who DID die of a drug overdose, but people only seem to remember the good parts. If her little firecrotch flame gets extinguished, I'll just think she brought on herself. She's been offered so much help and had so many chances, but she still won't even take responsibility for herself. No one is going to lament her wasted talent, because she didn't have any to begin with. Hopefully she's either be sober or dead within six months. Anyone want to take bets?