Crested Twatte, CO
Darlene Egelhoff sits at her kitchen counter sipping, no, gulping what smells to be vodka from a large wine glass. She says happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier since her daughter has come under harsh criticism from the media and public. You might know her daughter, Heidi Montag of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and various vocal aberrations referred to as her music.
Schadenfreude: Good afternoon, Mrs. Egelhoff, how are you?
Darlene Egelhoff: Whatever, let's get this over with. I want to get paid, and I'm working on a good buzz here.
S: Okay, let's dive right in. What was Heidi like as a child?
DE: You have to understand she wasn't supposed to happen. The abortion didn't work. But then I saw her and fell in love.
S: Wow, I had no idea. So you didn't resent her very existence?
DE: No, not at first. We were inseparable for the longest time. I called her my little abortion that could.
S: That's adorable? Did she always have that insatiable craving for attention that we've all come to know and loathe?
DE: Oh yeah. As soon as she could walk, she was always dancing. Then came all the hurting herself and other people to keep the focus on her. It was never enough. I never got a break. Couldn't even watch my stories without being bothered.
S: And when did she first show interest in singing?
DE: I'll never forget it, she was six years old. I knew I had to do something.
S: What do you mean? Did you try to get her auditions or maybe lessons?
DE: Oh no, she sounded like a wood chipper full of kittens. What I mean is, I took her to Mexico for a "vacation," drugged her, and had her ovaries removed. Told them she had cancer in her ladyparts. Real cheap too, got myself some new tits out of the deal.
S: That sounds so cruel! How could you do that?
DE: Well, what I really wanted was to crush her little voicebox, but they wouldn't do that, even in Mexico. I learned enough Mexican to ask that, and that little doctora just gave me the evil eye and crossed herself.
S: Wow. You are unbelievable. I had more questions, but I think I'll be leaving now. Here's your gift certificate to Target.
DE: Oh please. Don't get all high and mighty with me, you little queer. That babymaker had to be shut DOWN. I'm a goddamn hero! Hey, where are you going? Wait! Don't you want to know about how I fucked Spencer??? He cries during sex and likes a pinky up his ass!
No comments:
Post a Comment