Sunday, December 20, 2009

Brittany Murphy Is, Like, Totes Dead


Update: no more "probs," this is for realsies :(


It's not confirmed, but TMZ is reporting that Brittany Murphy is deadles. She supposedly went into cardiac arrest this morning. You know what that means--DRUGS! Oooooh now the waiting game begins. What was she on! Okay, I'm guessing cocaine, meth, & probably a few prescription drugs for good measure. This is so weird! This morning I was watching that movie Spun, where she plays a meth-faced crack whore. Odd coincidence.

One More Thing





It hit me this morning that I left out a funny part of my hooker story. I don't know how it came up, but the question of whether or not Celeste was employed with male hookers arised. She said that she worked with a very pretty guy who dresses in women's clothing, and she could have him come over. Look, I'm all about a tranny. I love you, ladymen, but just not that way. Thanks, but no thanks.

Dead In The Eyes





I met a dude yesterday with a milky eye. It was kind of awesome. He was adorable and looked like the old man from Up (see previous post for fun: Up) but with a portable oxygen tank and a creepy, dead gypsy eye. He was charming and hilarious, and I was surprised to find that his eye didn't make me uncomfortable. My only concern was milky eye etiquette. When looking someone in the eye when he speaks, as is polite, is it rude to look into the milky one? Or just look at it and pretend it isn't weathered and useless?

Magic Smize



Remember those "magic eye" images from back in the day? The first time I saw the hidden image, I remember being so thrilled. Even after all this time, it only took me a few seconds to do it again. It's like riding a bike, or shanking a punk bitch and stealing his wallet. Way to go, body, for being able to accomplish what most people can! I also figured out that if you cross your eyes, you can invert the image so it recedes into the page rather than pops out toward it. It's fun? Anyway, have a good time with these. Make sure to click on them to see the full size. The one below might surprise you!

Doodoo 1


Sopapilla Bastardization





A guest at the party I went to yesterday brought "Mexican sopapillas." No. No she didn't. She brought a WASPy debasement of the traditional recipe. The way she described them as "Mexican sopapillas" conjured an image of a work-weathered Aztec woman in a colorful zarape she weaved herself, arduously kneading the tortilla dough with five small children crawling over her who then slaves over her wood stove to fry the dough strips, only to then stuff them with the traditional Mexican cheesecake filling. What? Look bitch, ain't no cream cheese in a real sopapilla. Get yoself learnt.

Songs To Wake Up To

Tamago Onii Shiro


I don't really speak Japanese, but an interest in sushi, anime, and videogames has allowed me to construct a feeble dictionary on my own. I made a yummy recipe for hard-boiled eggs for a party yesterday.


White Devil Eggs

(notice I didn't write "white deviled eggs," and you'll see that it's due to a key ingredient)



18 large eggs

1/2 tsp. salt

1/3 cup ranch dressing

1 - 2 tbsp. wasabi paste to taste

5 strips bacon, finely diced



I invented this recipe one night a long time ago when I was starving, broke and had almost nothing in my apartment. It was either eat the shit separately or try to make something delicious. I like to think I accomplished the latter. Of course I only had maybe 4 eggs and remnants of the other ingredients, but I've tweaked the proportions here.


Boil the eggs in a large pot. If you don't know how to do this, throw yourself out a fucking window, because life isn't going to be very rewarding for you. I used a giant pot and boiled all the eggs in already-roiling water for 15 minutes if you must know. Remove the eggs, and place them in the fridge to cool. This takes a while, so I let them chill over night. What? Plan ahead, assholes.


Chop the bacon, and cook it in a pan at medium heat until fully browned. Obviously don't use butter or oil since the bacon releases its own (I almost just wrote LUBE. We all know what's on my mind) fat to cook in. If this isn't obvious to you, and you don't live in secluded woods and speak pidgin English you learned from your stroked-out mother, please jump out the window again. It should be open since the last time you did it and were either reincarnated or somehow resuscitated.


While the bacon is cooking, shell the eggs. An easy way to do this is to lightly crack them on a flat surface, then roll them against it under the palm of your hand, ensuring that it breaks all around the egg. If you think you might have some shell bits on the egg still, I find it useful to dip the eggs in a small bowl of water.


Cut the eggs lengthwise into halves. Remove the yolk, setting them in a bowl and the whites on whatever serving dish you wish. If you're feeling particularly fancy, you can put the yolks in a blender or food processor to break them up, but I find a large spoon works just as well. Do this, and mix in the salt, ranch dressing, and wasabi. Mix it well, and add more wasabi if you like it hot. I like the kick wasabi gives, so I used about 2 tablespoons. Here's the fun part: place the mixture in the bottom corner of a large Ziploc-style plastic bag. Twist it so there's no excess air in the bag. Cut the tip of the corner off so you can use it like a pastry bag. Pipe the mixture into the egg halves, being as pretentious as you like with the pattern.


Sprinkle those bitches with the bacon bits, and they're done!

Memory





I often use the notepad on my phone to make lists of things I want to post here. This morning though, instead of making it in my phone, I figured I could just remember. To do so, I made a list of keywords:





Egg pumps mermaid, milky prostitute.





That's a lovely and confusing image, isn't it?