Sunday, August 9, 2009

Ewwwy


We all know at least one girl with a distaste for uncircumcised penises. Smegma is always on the list of deterrents she sites.

Well guess what, Ted Haggard, you make it too! Yes, it forms under the hood of the clitoris like a disgusting little pearl or something. And I don't imagine you had the little Mrs. or her. . . jacket cut off.

Not that I'm some expert on uncircumcised penises, especially being Jewish, but this is a fun fact to point out when a girl you know gets all high and mighty thinking her crotch is better than someone else's.

p.s. I didn't go looking for this information. I don't Google smegma for fun or anything, it was in a book I'm reading.

G.I. Joe: Rise Of Cobra; Or, How To Succeed In Raping A Childhood Treasure Without Really Trying




I had the supreme misfortune to see the new G.I. Joe movie recently. It really took absurdity to a whole new level. I was amazed at how poor it was even going into the situation with low expectations. The first sign it would be terrible was that there was no prescreening for critics. That always means the movie is going to be a big bag of shit.

It was nonstop blahblah in-your-face action, boobs, death and bad acting. Apparently a movie was just canceled because Channing Tatum became attached to the project. This should have happened with G.I. Joe. It should have been ABORTED, big time. The writers or the director or the producers should have realized at some point during their shameful collaboration that perhaps they would be better off with Plan B. Not that Channing Tatum isn't talented. Just not in ways that would have helped the film. I personally think a dance battle against Cobra Commander would have been effective. Don't misunderstand. . . replacing him wouldn't change my opinion.

Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols looked great throughout the whole movie, but then they had to go and make a joke of it by putting Nichols in fitted plastic body armor with a breastplate shaped like generous C cup titties. See above. This elicited loud laughs from my brother and me, but no one else in the theater found it funny! Geez, 12-year-olds these days.

The movie was entertaining at first, painful at times, but then I just kept wanting it to end. But it wouldn't! When I consider it, the film might be so over the top and silly as to be worth the price of admission. I knew it would be bad, and now you know it is, but you might have to see it for yourself to really understand. Perhaps you can go watch it ironically.

The best part of the movie was the trailer for the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie.

The Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow" playing during the ending credits was the vomit icing on the shit cake.