Welcome Back, Kotter

nom nom nom (on cock)

OOPS.  I haven't been here in a hot minute.  Sorry, children.  I've been busy.  Being crazy.  But I'm getting my shit together, and life is a box of chocolates or toilet full of turds, or WHATEVER.  As one of those mannish women on Mob Wives put it: life is a bowl of cherries, and I've got the motherfucking pits to prove it.  ANYSNIZ, I've been neglecting ya'll like Paris Hilton neglects her pets, so I hope none of you died of malnutrition while I was away.  Let's start back softly with a little selection from an SMS conversation between Mia and me.  We were discussing 16 & Pregnant.  Terrible, yes, but everybody knows I watch awful television, so just roll with it.  By the time they start following these bitches, it's too late to ABORT ABORT ABORT, so I always root for ADOPT ADOPT ADOPT.  At least that one couple from the first season had the sense to give their child up.  Seriously, no 16-year-old can properly care for a baby and raise a child.  It's mean to subject it to that.  I''m getting off point.  This one bitch, Allie, who of course should have given her baby up for snatching, had a black girl friend named KB.  I proposed that we guess what those initials stood for.  My guess was Kaneesha Brianna (pretty good guess, right?) and this ensued:

How did that shit ever get made?

Mia: Karquanna Broiledmeat.

me: KARQUANNA BROILEDMEAT

me:  I can't handle that.

me:  too funny

me:  Like she's some kind of McDonald's mascot

Which brings me to this next topic:  Pussyghost.  Pussyghost has become somewhat of a recurring character on the podcast (new one coming soon, I promise) One and a Half F*gs, and she now has her own twitter page!  So follow that bitch and get the latest, most racist lowdown on the afterlife for vaginae.

THE PODCAST IS HERE!!!

One and Half F*gs is currently available for download on iTunes.  Subscribe, motherfuckers.  This is the chld that Travis and I had that we just didn't have the heart to abort.  Give it a listen; write a review!  Tell us we're awesome, tell us we're unfunny assholes, just check it out!  I hate the sound of my own voice, but listening to this shit was so funny, that I forgot about that.  GET INTO IT HERE IF YOU WANT.

Songs To Wake Up To

I was singing this song in my head as I woke up.  It's a fun one.

I Dream of Vaginie

What is that other opening to the right? Oh wait, my friend Keisha knows:



I had an interesting dream this morning. I'm grateful that I remembered it, since I have been having difficulty remembering my dreams lately. A nurse coworker was teaching me how to do a pap smear. Yep. I practice on a dummy vagina first. Rather, I should say dummy genitalia since the actual vagina is only the canal portion of a woman's ladyparts. I remember swabbing for cells on the cervix and swishing the brush around in the vial liquid. I was about to do the real thing. I remember being excited, and I said "alright, I'm about to insert the speculum" which I had already lubed up. Then just as I put it in, I woke up. Mercifully.

Schooling the Children

We have this glorious model of woman's inner workings at my office. It's a promotional model for the Nuvaring. It is so fun! You get to see all the biznass, PLUS there's a mock Nuvaring on a string that you can practice sticking up the sniz! How amazing is that? Then you press a button, and it zooms out of the sniz! It is way too much fun. It gets better:



Nice! It even comes with a snatch-for-dummies diagram, for you queers out there who don't know your way around a lady crotch. I'm seriously going to figure out how I can get one of these models for myself. I would proudly display it in my apartment. PROUDLY.

Medical Pamphlets

There are some hilarious medical pamphlets out there. I've selected a few to share.

Of course these faggots with the early 90s hair are in the one for HIV.



For all you trannies looking to get the chop, this one's for you!




And what to do with your brand new penins/vagina:




I love this one. Bitch on the right is totally smizing. And old girl in the middle is throwing some serious shade. She isn't telling you you're ugly, but she doesn't have to tell you because you know you're ugly. (thanks, Dorian Corey)

There are some hilarious medical pamphlets out there. I've selected a few to share.

Yikes

I've been sitting on this one for a while. It's just that gross. I won't go into detail on how I came to experience the following situation, but it was totally kosher. Trust me. It was not at all my doing, and it couldn't be avoided. On to the nose-rape.

I experienced the most foul scent known to man-kind. It smelled like human shit, mold, garbage, rotting flesh, and manure all at once. "What was it" you ask? It was the stench of a tampon stewing inside a woman who had forgotten it was there for almost one month. First of all, that's dangerous and can lead to toxic shock syndrome and death. Secondly, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT NOTICE THE SMELL? I guess people really can get used to anything. It literally stung my eyes and made me gag. It smelled of brimstone and fish. It was like her vagina was the Hellmouth, only the demons entered it instead of escaping.

V for Vagina

"yay, dyke bitch from nip/tuck has her oozy cooze all up in dexter's piece"

Wow I just used the word "cooze" for the first time in I don't even know how long. Seriously, when I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever actually uttered the word. It just makes me feel. . . dirty and shameful. It strikes me as super offensive, like the other C word, but with promiscuous undertones. Alluring, yet tawdry. That sounds like I'm describing a wine.

This '97 Cooze de Fête smells of musk, chocolate, and earth; however, its legs are shit.



Ahhhhhhhhhhhh holy shit I just scarred myself for life:

This is what happens when I Google image search "wine glass vagina" with the filter turned off:
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What is wrong with people??? Oh well, whatever, I hope that bitch got paid a lot and maybe even enjoyed the process. Good for her deadly, scary, Pinhead-from-Hellraiser-looking COOZE.

Ewwwy

We all know at least one girl with a distaste for uncircumcised penises. Smegma is always on the list of deterrents she sites.

Well guess what, Ted Haggard, you make it too! Yes, it forms under the hood of the clitoris like a disgusting little pearl or something. And I don't imagine you had the little Mrs. or her. . . jacket cut off.

Not that I'm some expert on uncircumcised penises, especially being Jewish, but this is a fun fact to point out when a girl you know gets all high and mighty thinking her crotch is better than someone else's.

p.s. I didn't go looking for this information. I don't Google smegma for fun or anything, it was in a book I'm reading.

A Letter of Resignation from Paris Hilton's Vagina

Ms. Hilton,

I rejoice to inform you that this letter serves as my notice of resignation. Today is my last day as your whipping girl. When I started this job, I looked forward to a quiet, modest career. My good friend Candy Spelling recommended you to me, saying that you were a sweet, innocent girl who would quickly settle with a tasteful man. Things were fine at first. I'm all about performing my duties, in fact, for a long time I worried that I wouldn't be put to any use at all. You were a lanky, gangly young girl, yet you blossomed into a train wreck of a whore. Somehow that stink eye of yours didn't manage to ward off the phalanx of cock to which you subjected me.

I will NEVER be the same--both physically and emotionally. I've had to scrounge my savings from your substandard pay in order to surgically regain my former shape. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have Michelle Duggar's snatch laughing behind my back? I'm going to be out of commission for several weeks, but thank God I have friends in tight places. I got a connection to put a call in to Miley Cyrus for me, and her dad isn't opposed to the idea of a secondhand vagina. That's a good girl if I've ever seen one. I bet she wouldn't go all Chris Brown on me. I bet she's not even into spacedocking.

You're the fame whore, NOT me. Why did you have to constantly expose me? I've been seeing a psychiatrist twice a week for the past three years for depression and anxiety thanks to you. That's not milky discharge, those are tears! Trust me, you will be getting the bills.

I don't know what's worse: the concentrated abuse or the complete inattention afterward. Congratulations, more substances enter your anus than exit it. I suppose the only thing I have to be grateful for is waxing me. That's the only way you dealt with those crabs, and even then it was unintentional.

Since that day in sixth grade after school with your math teacher, I have looked forward to this letter. Seriously, a T ruler and a compass? I STILL have scars. Here is a list of other things I look forward to never looking me in the face again:

• bowling ball
• watermelon
• Nerf football
• Verne Troyer
• all LA Lakers
• all LA Sparks
• anyone else named Paris (is there no limit to your vanity?)
• Capri Sun
• lawn jockeys
• mayonnaise as lubricant
• Restylane syringes
• 1/2 scale model of the Washington Monument
• Virgin Mary statuette
• OJ Simpson

In conclusion, enjoy your life as a neutered Barbie doll, because, guess what? I threw in your asshole to sweeten the deal with Billy Ray, and we leave tonight. I'm doing everything in my power to spread the word that you are a terrible employer. I have blogs, Twitter, Facebook, AND MySpace pages dedicated to your filthy behavior. You'll never screw in this town again.

Kindly fuck yourself (oh wait, you can't anymore),

Leona

P.S. I left you a parting gift. Here's a hint: it rhymes with AIDS.

The More You Know

After a little looking around, I found out what a "hybrid pussy" is. On the BangBros website, one can browse through the girls according to physical attributes. The options for pussy are innie, outie, and hybrid. I'm guessing this refers to the positioning of the labia. Innie would mean not being able to see the inner labia at all. Outie must mean having mad beefdrapes flapping out of the outer labia. Hybrid should be a happy medium.

That reminds me of three really close female friends I lived with my freshman year of university. They were like Goldilocks and The Three Baginas. They showed me their vaginas all the time. One kind of looked like it was trying to swallow itself, or it had just eaten something sour; one was a definite outie; and the last was just right.

My First And Final Face-First Foray Into Furburger

I'd like to tell you a story. It's a magical tale about one young gay man's experimentation with the opposite sex.

That night I hung out with my older friend Rex. We took full advantage of $1 beer night at a bar near his condo. We sang along to an 80s cover band, and made fun of these three girls we always saw there: Fatty, Elvira, and Plain Jane. Their names pretty much sum up what we thought of them. Fatty was a crazy slut whom I eventually befriended (for one night) and found out she fucked half the guys at the bar and no one will talk to her anymore.

Anyway, we left the bar and went back to his place to continue the party. Rex told me he wanted to get laid, but I guess nothing worked with prospects at the bar. He said he should just have a hooker come over. I laughed and changed the subject. At one point he disappeared, and when I asked him what he was doing, he said he called a connection (a.k.a. madam) to send a girl over. I thought he was kidding. Cut to an hour later. He got a call that someone was at the door downstairs for him. That's when I realized he wasn't joking at all. We retrieved her from the entrance. She was an exotic-looking woman, perhaps 40 years old. I forget her name, so I'll just call her Slut. We chatted for a minute, and I kept thinking, "um, well what the hell am I supposed to do during all this. Awkward!" I figured I would just slip onto the rooftop landing and quietly chill for a while. Slut was Venezuelan or something ethnic like that. I found this extremely interesting in my state of intoxardation, so we started talking in Spanish. Five years of studying the language and a perfect score on the AP test culminated in my being able to make smalltalk with a prostitute.

Even though I wasn't to be involved, just the fact that I was there warranted Slut to ask for more than the $400 she received upon entering the condo. I made it clear I wasn't going to be doing anything, let alone watch. Slut saw the opportunity to ask for more money, and Rex said he would gladly give it to her, but he didn't have any more than what he gave her. Well that was a lie. For some reason he had about $10,000 cash from a recent commission. He got her to agree that what he already gave her was sufficient. They started making out and all that fun stuff. I was intrigued! I'd never seen straight sex in person, so I found it clinically interesting. Plus, Slut told me to stay! I guess she thought I was cute.

Rex removed her dress and panties (I hate that word, but it's funny) and lifted her onto a wide banister-like partition between his bed and hallway. Then the muffdiving began. Rex was doing it for a few minutes before he pulled his head up, looked over at me, and made a gesture to indicate I should try it. I don't know what made me do it. I didn't think much about it at the time. I'm pretty sure I thought it was rather funny, so I figured, "what the hell." Keep in mind, I had never done this before, and I had never had a close up look at the vag. So I didn't really know what I was doing, but I just emulated what Rex did, and what I've seen the few straight porns I've watched. I was pleasantly surprised to find a lack of foul odor and taste. That was really my only concern. It was clean, pink, and freshly scented, like Barbie's dream car. Oh, and shaved. I would have been really put off by an abundance of hair. She moaned and pinched her nipples, all the stuff she probably thought we wanted to see since she was being paid for it. I did not find it arousing at all. It was more like a task that I wanted to accomplish. After a while, she writhed, moaned some more, and um, ew, got a little. . . um, juicier? I took it that she climaxed.

After that we all moved to the bed, and they started fooling around with each other. I grabbed a boob here and there, but I wasn't really willing to do anything else. I left my underwear on and halfheartedly made a show of playing with myself, though it was clear to me that no arousal would happen for me in that region. I probably could have made myself, but I was focused on the wall or Slut's body because I didn't want to stare at my friend while he was banging her. It would have felt rude! Without a word, I slipped away to the bathroom for some mouthwash and waited it out.

When it was all over, I just couldn't believe I did it! But I really wanted to be able to say that I had tried it once, and it was obviously not for me. And it makes for a funny story. Slut left, and Rex and I laughed and talked about it. It was uncannily not awkward. He imitated me going down on her, and I had to find that hilarious. At some point before she left though, we exchanged phone numbers. For what purpose, I have no idea! She called me several times over the next couple months and left voicemails saying that she really wanted to see me again. I saved her number in my phone as "Slut."

So that's the story of how I went to town on a Venezuelan prostitute's ladyparts. It happened, it's over, and I have no desire to repeat it. At least now I can say I tried it, and apparently I was good at it. Hookers lie, but their axe wounds can't. I rock.

For the Paris Hilton in Your Life

Is your pusspuss stretched out? Is it sick and tired of having so many visitors? Do babies just fall right out of your vajayjay? When guys bone you, do they tell you it's like sticking their dick in a bowl of oatmeal? Worry no more! This is the miracle product for you!

I got to work this morning and found that my boss had done a lot of cleaning of the random crap we have lying around. Among this crap, I noticed this box:



Here's a close-up of the text:



While it's not entirely inappropriate to have in our office, it's not every day one sees such a gem.

Yes, that's right! "Training weights" as in your vag is going to participate in the Iron Man triathlon. Like it really needs to bulk up in preparation. I HAD to inspect, so I threw on a pair of gloves. The small box was accompanied by several larger packages that I found were kegel kits. This small box must be the floor model so to speak. Each kit also comes with a VHS tape to show you how to use the cones. What cones, you say? These cones:


I put a pen cap down to give you an idea of the size, CSI forensic-style. I couldn't find a ruler. Each cone has a plastic string attached, I assume to ensure it doesn't get lost forever in the black hole that is your loose meat wallet.


(imagine viewing it closed from the top)

The individual weights really are each a different weight! So you can work your way up to the hardcore levels. Go for the gold! Get your personal best. Once you've mastered the hardest level, I suggest attaching other things to the end of the string and lifting objects of varying weights: cutlery, blocks of cheese, precious moments curios, puppies, the neighbor's child. Go for it! Your goal should be to be able to squeeze off the penis of any intruder. It will render rape whistles unnecessary. This will be *rape surprise*! Twat of steel.

Dirty Fingers

boredom + filthy mind = this:









Isn't it fantastically disgusting?!? I love it. And the possibilities are only as limited as your imagination. Don't put any hair on it, and it's Lindsay Lohan! Then add a c-section scar, and it's Britney Spears! Now remove the scar, add some red dots, and you've got Paris Hilton! Or make one on each hand, and have them scissor--LiLo and SamRo! The fun never ends.

A Ballad About Female Genital Mutilation

This is something I started a long time ago, but never got far into until tonight.
*thanks go to CK for the title and 1st half of the chorus*
This is a very special song about female circumcision to the tune of Plain White T's' "Hey There Delilah." Thanks to a CS105 class I cheated my way through in college, I'm quite competent at copying and tailoring html code, so here is an instrumental version of the song (start singing in your head 10 seconds into it):

"Cleaver to My Clit"

The Serengeti was so peaceful, oh so quiet
Buffalo roamed in the place
I called my home and were my diet
Life is tough
So is the meat, I've had enough
My time is up

I'd like to move and
Go to Oprah Winfrey's school
But my father, he says no
It costs too much to buy a mule
Wish I were grown
Then I could strike out on my own
This makes me moan

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy
A clitorectomy

And then my tribe says
It is time to be a woman
There's a little extra part
You'll have to part with very soon
Put the dolls down
Spread your legs, get on the ground
It's over now

I fear the butcher
While he tries to comfort me
He says it only hurts a little
But will burn when you go pee
I'll miss it so
Tiny mound of flesh I hardly know
Say it ain't so

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy

They chopped it off, and it flew far
Now all that's left is an ugly scar
And a throbbing phantom pain between down there
The blade was dull and smelled like rust
Another man I'll never trust
The sight of one will now cause such a scare
A silent tear rolls down my cheek
And I've decided I need to seek
A place where I can start to become whole
And mend my soul

So now my sexual
Relations are for function
I've no sense of what is pleasurable
Even when they're munching on my cunt
I'll find a good man on my hunt
Who doesn't see me as a machine
To breed his children and to clean
I miss my bean

Oh cleaver to my clit
But they let me keep my tits
Oh it's such misery
To have a clitorectomy
Clitorectomy

What Would Yolanda Saldivar Do?

I have this kooky aunt who is an OB/GYN, and she visits town every so often. She was here Sunday and Monday. She likes to talk. A LOT. And about nasty things. She has no information filter. We were chatting [aka she was chatting, I was listening] last night, and she treated me to some tidbits about her body. She told me that when she runs, it basically feels like her asshole is falling out through her vag. Cut to me wide-eyed trying not to laugh. She goes on to say that it's worse than in the past, because she used to be able to manage it with KEGEL exercises. That's when I cracked up laughing. I immediately apologized. I was just thinking about how my aunt is actually sitting here practically telling me that her vagina is so flobbety that other organs are falling out through it. And then I thought, "if this can happen to my aunt, imagine what a really promiscous woman might feel." I hypothesize that one day Paris Hilton might turn inside out via her pusspuss. And If I ever started a blog, this would be the first entry.

So it begins.

p.s. for biology fans out there, here are some excerpts from the wikipedia entries for rectocele and cystocele (what Aunty TMI told me about):

A cystocele (SIS-tuh-seal) is a medical condition that occurs when the tough fibrous wall between a woman's bladder and her vagina (the pubocervical fascia) is torn by childbirth, allowing the bladder to herniate into the vaginaA cystocele is mild (grade 1) when the bladder droops only a short way into the vagina. With more severe (grade 2) cystocele, the bladder sinks far enough to reach the opening of the vagina. The most advanced (grade 3) cystocele occurs when the bladder bulges out through the opening of the vagina.A doctor may be able to diagnose a grade 2 or 3 cystocele from a description of symptoms and from physical examination of the vagina because the fallen part of the bladder will be visible.

MY AUNT WAS KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE I KNEW THAT SHE HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM GRADE 1 TO GRADE 2. Grade 3 is when I claw my eyes out and shove knitting needles in my ears.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND:A rectocele results from a tear in the rectovaginal septum (which is normally a tough fibrous sheet like divider between the rectum and vagina). Rectal tissue bulges through this tear, into the vagina, as a herniaMild cases may simply produce a sense of pressure or protrusion within the vagina, and the occasional feeling that the rectum has not been completely emptied after a bowel movement. Moderate cases may involve difficulty passing stool (because the attempt to evacuate pushes the stool into the rectocele instead of out through the anus), discomfort or pain during evacuation or intercourse, constipation, and a general sensation that something is "falling down" or "falling out" within the pelvis. Severe cases may cause vaginal bleeding, intermittent fecal incontinence, or even the prolapse of the bulge through the mouth of the vagina, or rectal prolapse through the anus.