Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Back to the Bitch List

In an archeological coup, the fourth page of the famed Types of Bitches List has been unearthed. Please enjoy:

The Affair




















Mark and I will take tennis lessons from the one and only Novak Djokovic. You see, his uncle knows someone who knows someone who owes him a favor, you know how it goes. At first it will be considered a one-time thing, we'll take him out to lunch and the court; but then he'll see how atrocious our technique is and how charming we are, and he will offer more lessons. He'll quickly become a trusted friend, and Novak will relish the time away from the media. We'll watch movies together, packed tightly onto a sofa, the skin of our legs singing whenever contact is made. We will play fight and wrestle while wearing those cute tennis wristbands. After a morning of perfecting our backhands, we'll retire inside, sweaty. We'll continue our chatting as he showers. Those Serbians are not shy. Then one day he'll get a phone call, get a serious look on his face, and ask us in that sexy accent if we would excuse him for a minute. When he finally comes back inside, his eyes are pink, and he's choking back sobs. Mark and I will hug him and ask what's wrong. As we hold him, he will tell us that his girlfriend broke up with him. He was going to break up with her, but it still hurts. He will say that he's known for a long that time it wasn't going to work out and that he was trying to be who everyone expects him to be. This will of course bring on a fresh round of crying, and we'll do our best to soothe him. Eyes still wet, Novak will put on a brave face and insist that he's fine, that he knew it had to end because he was too different. When I ask how, he will look up at me shyly; and there, wedged with Mark behind him and me in front of him, he will kiss me. Our hands will start roaming, and Mark and I will kiss away his tears. Yada yada , double penetration of a tennis superstar, yada, jizz EVERYWHERE.