Friday, February 27, 2009

The Revolution Will Have Ramps


I got this response to a previous post, bringing up the injustice directed toward those with disabilities:

Anonymous said...
okay, let me tell you a story. I was posting my last comment and I got the part where is asks you to enter the word so it knows you aren't an auto-blog-poster-computer. I noticed the disability symbol next to the box and I thought, "why the fuck is there a wheely symbol right there, can disabled people not type in the correct word, like EVERYONE else?" So, of course, I had to press the button. What did it do? Crashed firefox. Fuck you disability symbol. I'm gunna shit in accessible shower at the gym tomorrow.
February 26, 2009 9:11 PM


You know what? Disabled people of the world and sympathizers, RISE UP! Er. . . WHEEL FORTH! You will not be second class citizens!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

It's That Time Again

Time for funny porn titles!


Whoregasm

I Wanna Cum Inside Your Mom

Double Airbags

My Sister Loves Anal 2

Anal Teen Tryouts 19

Squirting With The Stars 2

My Cruel Sluts

Sex Trek

Holy Fuck It's Huge

Deep Black Ass 5

No Boys Just Toys

I Came In Your Mom

Latina Cum Bath

MILFs Lovin MILFs

Anal Conduct 4

Anal Addicts

Samurai Porn (!!! I'm definitely getting this one)

Your Mom's A Slut She Takes It In The Butt

Fisting Hot House - Mo Betta Butt

B-A-N-A-N-A-S


A good friend of mine recently blogged about the catcalls she receives when walking around her neighborhood. She wonders what the motivation is for the men who do that. I doubt they're all banking on the odds that some day one of the women they compliment will be a hardcore sex addict and fuck them on the spot. So why then? I tried to imagine myself in the men's situation. The closest thing I can come up with was a couple years ago during the Chicago gay pride parade. I was on a float with my friend Jay, and the whole time we flirted and made comments to guys we saw. I certainly didn't expect anything to come of it and of course nothing did. So why did I mime masturbating and fling my pretend semen at attractive young gentlemen while telling them "pretty mouth!"? It was fun. And funny. And like my friend says, it's flattering to a degree. I don't fakejizz on just anyone.

-

Jenny Shimizu: Model, Dyke, Comedian



In case you forgot, Jenny Shimizu is as big a raging lesbian as ever. She appeared on the most recent episode of RuPaul's Drag Race and complimented Ongina on her name. "I love the name Ongina. I'm often on 'gina too." Ha! I haven't seen such a funny lesbian since Paula Poundvag, I mean Poundstone.

Also in RPDR news, it finally hit me after three episodes why they say it takes "charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent." C.U.N.T. I feel slow. Give me a helmet and put my ass on the little bus because I'm speshul today. C.U.N.T. kind of sounds like it should be the enemy organization in the next James Bond film. James will have to infiltrate the deepest recesses of C.U.N.T and climax with the submission of Selma Twat.

Garbage Fail Kids

Oh no they di'n't!





Wednesday, February 25, 2009

New Favorite



I saw an excellent movie this week: Otto; or, Up With Dead People.






Zombies and pornography? This is a match made in heaven. Bruce LaBruce has managed to combine two of my favorite things. Otto is a very attractive zombie trying to find his way in this crazy world. There's a great scene where two zombie dudes get it on, and one fucks the other's wounds! It's not just simulated sex. It was really one man's erect penis penetrating an imitation bite wound. Amazing! There's got to be a term for that. Does anyone know what it's called when one is really into fucking wounds?



Anyway Otto is very attractive, even in his undead state. I'd heard of the man who made the movie before I saw it, but I never knew much about him. Then I looked up other films by Mr. LaBruce. One includes a scene in which a man masturbates and ejaculates onto a copy of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf. Awesome. Judging from the sex scenes in Otto, it is a man genuinely jerking off onto the book. Another of his movies has a "controversial amputee sex scene." YES!!! I'm in love. I immediately ordered the movies, and they arrived today. I'm really looking forward to watching them.



Fun For The Whole Family



Remember Bebe's Kids? About the poor guy taking his girlfriend's kids to a theme park? Yeah, I'd like to remake it. But instead of black people, I'd like to focus on tree people. No, not Ents. I'm taking about Dede's Kids! It will be about him and his rascally saplings, I mean children. They'll visit, I don't know, Busch Gardens or Knott's berry Farm. They'll get into all sorts of mischief, but in the end Dede will have to save them from a wood chipper and learn to appreciate them.

Keep It Up


Have you ever heard that being shat on by a bird is good luck? I have. It's one of those things people tell each other to make them feel better about something shitty. It's akin to noticing a lump in your breast and saying, "looks like it's going to be a fantastic harvest this year!"

Die, Yuppie Cunt


(i no ur mad jeluhz of my drawring skillz)
I highly recommend United States of Tara. It's about a woman with dissociative identity disorder. That's multiple personality disorder for you oldschoolers. When I was little I used to wish for something dramatic like that to happen to me. It's like the eye patch thing. If I had my way, I would be a one-eyed quadruple-amputee dyslexic schizophrenic tranny torso.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Cuntgratulations, You Fail!


Once upon a time I was riding my bike across a busy campus. Approaching an always-tricky intersection for bike traffic, I noticed out of the side of my eye a guy biking perpendicular to my path. We kind of looked at each other to gauge who should speed up and who should slow down. We both decided to speed up. We crashed into each other, and my front tire t-boned his. I didn't even fall, I just put a leg down and surveyed the damage. And by damage, I mean the carnage of the poor guy I hit. He went flying over a nice soft patch of grass to skid on pavement. I didn't know what to do or say, and I immediately thought, "well this wouldn't have happened if he had slowed down!" Of course it was my fault too, but I wasn't about to own up to anything. Instead I proceeded to YELL at this bleeding fellow. It started off. . . nice. "Are you okay?!?" And it goes downhill from there, "what the hell were you thinking? What is wrong with you?!?" I was in a rush to get to workout, so I had to get going, but not before I saw him hoist his bike on his shoulder and start walking to his destination. I fucked up his tire so much that he couldn't even ride it. I can't remember what he looked like anymore. I used to keep an eye out for him at parties and such, thinking I had to run into him eventually. Not because I was expecting an ass whooping. If some skinny faggot crashes into you, disables your bike, and yells at you, you probably aren't going to retaliate down the line.

Shaming Your People


I seem to have many random notes saved in my cell phone as reminders to post. Here we go.

I really lucked out my freshman year of college and had an awesome randomly assigned roommate. He was a cool kid of Chinese heritage. The funny thing was he was allergic to almost EVERYTHING--milk, gluten, soy, and RICE included. We used to joke about what a terrible Asian he was. He had to do extra better in his engineering courses to make up for being allergic to fucking rice and soy. He'd bow to me and say, "I have disgraced my family!"

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Oral Exercise



Lindsay Lohan says that she's been getting scaryskinny because she's stressed and working a lot. Working a lot? She doesn't do anything. Reportedly her only income at the moment is her line of leggings. Does she even do anything to promote them? No. If eating pussy is so strenuous, perhaps she can become a spokesperson for an all-vagina diet. Rosie O'Donnell must be really lazy in bed. Her wife is awfully skinny.

Ur Liek So Orig



I overhead a snippet of a conversation a few college ladies were having on campus today. "I don't want to get my nose pierced. I don't like doing things other people like that's popular."


Nice Uggs, bitch. "I've had this since I was fifteen," she said holding up a Coach wallet. That was four years ago, TOPS. She went on to reminisce about her cheerleading days. Wow. Congratulations, you are one unique twat.



The Cuntess



What's worse than pretentious people? Pretentious people who speak about themselves in the third person. That Countess bitch from The Real Housewives of New York City loves it. Countess LuAnn. That's lovely. Maybe one day there will be a Queen Britney.

"The Countess doesn't drink beer from a bottle." Well she clearly drinks Arrogant Cunt from a bottle.

Bible Stories


RuPaul:

"In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. A few years later, Shaniqua, the Garden of Eden's first drag queen, came along and stole a pair of pumps from Eve. Well the rest was history."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Happy 21st, Rihanna!


She could probably use a few drinks right about now. :(

Thursday, February 19, 2009

From G's To G's In Navy Blazers





From G's To Gents. Ridiculous. I won't bother explaining the premise. I just want to highlight a couple fantastic characters. First up:

Macho



His nickname must be intentionally ironic, because he looks straight up like a--guess what--female-to-male transsexual. Yes. He might be worse than David Cook. I think the diamond tattoo on his cheek really makes his face shine.

Riff Raff.



This guy cannot be real. He's joking right? Surely someone who acts like he does can't be serious. I think another contestant referred to him as Rainbow Brite on acid. His MySpace page is a treasure trove of insanity with too many gems for me to post, so please check it out for yourself: Crazy Honky.

Riff Raff is really asking for a stabbing in this video:





I considered typing a transcript. In less than three minutes he dropped just about as many n-bombs as the entire Huck Finn novel. Well about 47 times actually but whatever. Perhaps a 1:1 ratio of n-word to stabbing would be appropriate? He was booted in the second episode I believe, and it looks like the reunion episode should be entertaining, assuming he survives to film it. In one interview he's going on about what being "hood" really means to him, etc. Meanwhile he gingerly applies chapstick. CHAPSTICK! That shit ain't hood! Real thugs use CARMEX. Duh.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LILA!!!

Alternative Title: I'm Clearly Going to Hell



All last week I made a point to remind myself constantly that a friend's birthday was approaching. As is often the case when something important arises, I fucked up. I missed out on her actual bday, and I feel like an ass. I'm sorry! I was trying to think of some unique story or joke I could post for her. Oh shit, I just thought of a terrible bday card. Absolutely inappropriate. Well now I have to do it.


Happy Birthday, Lila! I Hope Your Day Was THIS Special:






Or:
Hey, Sweety, Happy B-Day! Haven't heard from you in a while. I guess you had an Anna Nicole hell of a time!






And in case you're wondering who that is in the .gif, it's Goddess Bunny. She's somewhat of a cult icon, and she rocks. According to some sketchy web page, GB is a (new word time!) trannsy. Someone created a fake MySpace page for her. It's either really mean or (if she actually created it herself) genius.



Why does it always come back to trannies? This is some Number 23 shit. The meaning of life and the answer to every question isn't 42. It's TRANNY.



The point is I love you, Lila, and sometimes I wish you had/used to have a penis.



xoxo,



Me

Okay Then


New word alert. I'm a big fan of Jonathan Ames, and he's done much writing about his obsession with transsexuals. In a compilation of his essays and anecdotes, I encountered this word:

Trannsy (noun, plural: trannsies)
1. A transsexual who chooses not to get sexual reassignment surgery.
Origin: "Transitioning." It is probably from some skeezy chick-with-a-dick hooker who stands to make more money with a cock than without.
Example: Ericatoure Aviance says many of her tricks insist that she fuck them, so she's opting to keep her weiner.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Words To Live By



From Ashley of Rock of Love Bus:
"I'm not hanging out with anybody who wears brown lip gloss."
Word.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Proper Motivation







It counts for a lot when finishing tasks. I found my seeing-eye faggot's MySpace page. His music is less than riveting, but that's okay. He won't be singing with his mouth full.




(It really doesn't get much gayer than that. Oh wait. . . )

Not Enough!



I like to watch the audition rounds of American Idol to see people's dreams dashed like baby seal heads. There's a blind dude in the competition: Scott MacIntyre. It's inspiring, he's gifted and amazing, blah blah blah. I was paying more attention to his helper guy (the one on the left in the picture). So fine. I was like, "fuck the blind guy, let's see more of this homo!" I did a little research (and I really mean a little, y'all know I can be lazy.) and the mystery queer is his brother Todd. What a gay name. Almost gayer than "Scott." I couldn't much on him. If I go blind, I'd like an attractive seeing-eye faggot too. You know the stereotype of blind people always asking to feel people's faces to get an idea of what they look like? And you know how one can eyefuck or eyerape somebody else? Well, according to the transitive property, when I go blind, it'll be okay for me to handrape hot guys. "Your honor, this is outrageous! I was simply getting a good look at his toned abdomen and firm, muscled, perfectly-haired taint. And prostate."

The name "Scott" is especially gay to me. Back in the day, I went with my friend K to see American Beauty. As we were talking in the theater before the movie started, I told her I liked dudes. She wasn't surprised, and one of her first questions was about how I was going to tell my parents. She said, "what are you going to do? Just show up when you're 22 and be like 'this is Sssscott.'?"

Thomas Dekker Is An Amazing Actor. . .



. . . because he doesn't come off as faggy in his Terminator show. He stank up E! last night with his gayness on Chelsea Lately. Seriously, he's so queer he sweats glitter. Props to him for being able to butch it up for television when he tries really hard. Chelsea joked that he didn't come off as gay as Jesse McCartney, and he thanked her for the compliment. Meanwhile he was probably thinking, "if you only knew. I have a giant buttplug in right now."

Shield Thin Eyes



(Here's a picture of Madonna's poor, unfortunate, and hairy offspring)
This is hideous. I'm sure you've all been dying to see Madonna's old school hairy snatch. Well, feast your eyes on this. You can zoom way in and everything. It's SO HAIRY. Ahhhhh! She totally has wrap-around pubes. Her bush is so thick all along her taint/perineum/chode/grundle/gooch (wow, there are a lot of words for that. Like Eskimos and "snow"), you just know her asshole is equally hirsute.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I Can Has Halp?



I jotted a quote down a few days ago, but now I can't remember what it's from! Chances are it's a recent episode of terrible reality television:


"The most ditziest, no-knowledge-havin' bitch that I've ever met."

Fight Club



This whole thing with Chris Brown and Rihanna is fucked up. I know that. But I also know I can't be the only person dying to see pictures of Rihanna afterward. Black eyes might make a bulldyke look tough and intimidating, but it doesn't really work that way for a delicate Barbadian princess.



A friend and I used to mention every now and then how scars and fading bruises can make a guy hotter. We're twisted, I know. I don't mean a puffy, swollen Renee Zellweger eye. I mean the kind that looks like he got in a bar brawl last week, or "walked into a door." I'm all about a cleft lip/palate repair scar on a dude, but we all know I have different proclivities.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Good One



Oh yeah, 1000 hits. Kudos me, I made myself pregnant (1:36 mark).

On to the point:
I just heard a fantastic new term. Maneltoe. I've heard mooseknuckle and camelballs, but this is a good one. When guys where really tight pants and the seam separates the balls, this is the result.

Ladyballs





Fix your weave and tuck your nuts! It's time for. . .

RuPaul's Drag Race
Yeshhhh.
It's like America's Next Top Model, America's Got Talent, Project Runway (for this episode at least), and America's Fiercest Tranny all in one. Technically they're not trannies....since so many people get it twisted, let's get something clear first:

transvestite: anyone dressed up in the opposite sex's clothing; cross-dresser: gay, straight, whatevs. For a while it was used specifically for hetero guys who enjoy wearing women's clothing.
drag queen: a cross-dresser who does so for entertainment purposes; i.e., Lady Bunny and Coco Peru. And RuPaul, duh.
transsexual/transgender: someone who identifies with the physical sex other than that with which he/she was born. These are the ones who potentially qualify for sexual reassignment surgery. When people say "trannies," this is usally what they mean.

These boys may or may not be trannies, but I'm going to be using all the terms loosely. I just like the word tranny.

Oh, and there's something else thou shalt not get twisted. As much as I respect her, RuPaul did not invent all this tranny vernacular. Supermodel of the world? No, no, no. Much of it was coined in NYC in the 70s and 80s. Do yourself a favor, and watch Paris Is Burning. You might be able to understand more of my jokes that way. On to the show. . .

You know what? I suddenly got really unmotivated. I'll just say there are some manly, busted queens and some manly, not-quite-as-busted queens. I just want to focus on one contestant: Tammie Brown.


Dear Tammie Brown,
What happened to your face? I can only imagine what sort of horrible accident befell you to make you look that way. What I'm specifically worried about is your forehead. I mean. . . damn. I'm sorry, I know it's not cool to make fun of people with birth defects, but modern medicine offers many options for extreme drag makeovers. I think lowering your hairline would make all the difference. Oh, and a personality transplant.
xoxo
Schad N. Freude


I have to admit I was extremely repulsed by Tammie at first. But the more I looked, the more I loved. It's as if Lucille Ball, Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, and Chewbacca had a forgy and created a demented baby. Her forehead is off the hook! Tyra Banks ain't got shit on her. I like her painfully awkward and uncomfortable look and persona in drag. My favorite art and literature always make me uncomfortable. The thing is, he's actually cute as a boy.



Except for those eyebrows. Yowza. Maybe he should have just grown out the unibrow (you can totally tell his eyebrow would RUN to uni) and do Frida Kahlo drag. Oh snap, that's kind of a good idea. I call dibs! Sexy Frida drag is mine.


Random Busted Queens:

Text On Fire



Jay: Whatever happened to New York?
(note: of course I automatically knew he meant the skeezy reality show whore, not the state or city)
Me: probably in thailand getting her cocknballs chopped.
Jay: HAH!
Me: and bigger tits. always gotta be bigger. "just put some rice and coconut milk up in there"
Jay: YES in a burlap sack
Me: and lots of sriracha. . . you know how her people like hot sauce
Jay: Word
Me: hey! there's a sober character on gossip girl. i'm a few eps behind so i'm sure they'll have him relapse and deathrape somebody
Jay: Hahaha, I need to start watching that show
Me: you will LOVE. like 10inch cock love
Jay: That's the purest truest love I know
Me: isn't it though? i'm seeing a mommy tuck her kids in at night saying "goodnight, sweethearts, remember...mommy loves like a 10inch cock."