Monday, January 25, 2010

Is This Trick For Real?


One of my best friends was kind enough to forward an interesting email to me. It is the dress code for those young women crazy enough to be rushing the Cornell sorority DDD. She knew I would appreciate it that much. There's so much I could do with this, but I want to keep its original format mostly intact. You'll find my comments in bold. This list is obviously written by some übercunt Blair Waldorf wannabe, and I both love and hate her based on this text alone. Let the fuckery begin:


CLOTHING.
Round I & II: “Casual chic”
Bottoms:
Yes:
Medium-to-dark or black skinny or straight jeans
Dark skinny or straight cords
"Denim-legging" is appropriate as long as it's done right: aka, notfrom American Apparel and worn with chic, cool chunky boots over themand a longer top. NO camel toe. Seriously? Bitches have to be told this?
No:
Super "Flared leg" pants
Cropped pants. Ugh. What are these anyway? Capris? Cropped make them sound like you cut out the ugliest part of the pant. Perhaps the part that contains the cankles?
Bleached/very light or TORN jeans I don't care if they're in style.
Khakis What's wrong with khakis? I mean, I guess you can end up looking like a lesbian or you work at Best Buy.
Leggings worn as pants I'm torn here. Some girls can really pull off this look, but it's become a go-to of. . . curvy women.
Muffin tops or extreme low rise!! No fatties! No slutsies!
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses: flowy, pretty material. No mention of what constitutes "pretty material."
Sweaters or other long-sleeved shirts, V or Crew.
Cardigans (with longer tank top under preferably)
Blazers: Yes, please! I love a casual top with a cool boyfriend blazer over it
No:
Summer pattern/colors, too tight or too short shirts or blouses!
Low-cut
Sleeveless
Tank tops
Frumpy
Preferably no short sleeves-- recommended: full coverage aka elbow length baby Jesus help you if you have ashy elbows, 3/4 length, long, thin layers.
Shoes:
Yes:
Nice flats: Tory Burch, etc. More evening-ish, understated. Patent leather good.
Heels: mid-height. This round is still "casual", so no sky-high hookerheels! but later on, anything goes! I'm thinking mid-height Mary Jane heels, or mid-height chunkykate spade, etc.
Boots: love. Chunky or simple/elegant, heel on the lower side to flat. The only chunky thing about you should be your heels. Worn OVER pants
No:
Open-toed! AGREED. Don't nobody wanna see your gnarled, chitinous toes curling over the edge of your pump looking like a shrimp cocktail.
WHITE REVERSE RACISM. On a side note, I really don't like the term "reverse racism." It implies only Caucasians can be racist. Trust, I know Koreans who to this day HATE the Japanese.
Strappy
High-heeled/going out boots.
If you're wearing cheapo shoes, make sure they don't look it. Like everything else about you, it's okay to be cheap as long as you don't look it.


Round III, House Tours: "Business Casual"
Bottoms:
Yes:
Slacks/Dress Pants: dark gray or black, aka "full length pants of non-jeans material"
Skirts: pencil *if you must wear a skirt, can't be "cocktail", needs to look sharper) No.2 Pencil skirts only, ladies!
If wearing a skirt, tights are necessary! Good point. You don't want to go flaunting those burns and cuts you gave yourself last month when daddy wasn't paying enough attention to you.
Dresses: an informal dress with appropriate skirt length.
No:
Slacks that are too short. It's my pet peeve. Isn't this just common sense?
Mismatched socks/pants. No "socks" at all you buried the lead, dumbass!--they should be hose material.
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses
Oxfords/Button-downs
Nice sweaters, light material like silks (silk is not satin poor people).
Shoes:
Yes:
Heels. PRETTY HEELS.
Heeled boots if you must but I'm going to judge you for it.
No:
"Fuck-Me-Pumps"
Tacky/cheapo/pleather. Don't mess with me. Seriously. If you show up wearing that shit, I swear to Tyra I will put the fucking heels through your eyeball.
Note: everyone needs a pair pretty heels and nice slacks in life in general--it's a good investment. Because how else are you going to snag a husband?


Round IV, Skit & Philanthropy: Step up from Business Casual, not yet "Cocktail".. think brunch, somewhere cool and chic. HUGE FUCKING EYE ROLL.
Bottoms:
Yes:
Skirts: pencil or nicer. Again, this is referring to an imaginary hierarchy created by a useless twat that doesn't even feel the need to share.
Formal slacks
Dresses: less formal than cocktail, think like lunch party. I'm lost.
No: Same "nos" as above.
Tops:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
No: " "
Shoes:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
I like boots with dresses if they go and look cool together. Yes, that's not at all subjective.
No: " "


Round V, Preference: "Cocktail"
Dresses.
Yes:
Appropriate knee and sleeve length.
Winter colors
Tights
Shaved legs
No:
Spaghetti straps.
Sleeveless--unless you have really good arms.
Satin. No one looks good in satin dresses unless its from BetseyJohnson or Dolce and Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have 3pairs of spanks on and it's New Years Eve. But what if you're 4'6" and built like Snooki? That's a special case, because she is allowed to wear whatever crazy ass cupcake titty outfit she wants.
Cleavage Why can't the girls ever come out to play??
Frumpy/maternal/knit Um, but what if you're actually knocked up?
Shoes: Same guidelines as above, but remember this is the nicest roundso make sure you're wearing heels that you could wear to a cocktailparty. I like patent leather, I like chunky-er heels that are infashion right now, and I like boots with dresses as long as they're'right'. Also guys, it's winter. Put on some tights. Yeah, because that will keep you warm.
Yes:
Close Toe
Peep Toe
Boots
Booties if you can pull them off aka probably not. ZING

No:
Cork
Strappy
White
Summery


Additional Notes on Clothing:
I'm weird about shoes. So please do it right.
I'm going to be doing dress checks so have your outfits for each round completely figured out before you get to Ithaca. Freal, bitch? You mad.
If you do not know if something is appropriate/works, email me a picture of it and I shall discuss things with you. How the hell does she have time to review submissions from the scores of sycophants who are sure to email her?



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ACCESSORIES.
Accessories: I expect EVERYONE to be wearing accessories. This is animportant part of every outfit and can make or break many ensembles. Make that ANY ensemble. Come on, son, you know better.
Earrings:
Yes:
Studs: diamond or pearls or something that's just adorable.
Huggies
Hoops: Sparkly or gold or silver. Not tooooo big. A general rule: the bigger the hoop, the looser the vag.
Something hippie-chic and cool.
No:
Chandaliers.
Obnoxious piercings.
Feathers (I know I'm just saying) As if this is so obvious she shouldn't have to list it.
Neon/plastic.
Necklaces:
Yes:
Pendents.
Coins
Pearls
Statement
No:
Plastic
Chokers
Ribbon overkill
More than 2
Bangles/Bracelets:
Yes:
Bangles (coordinating or at least looking like they do)
Bracelets " "
No:
Plastic
Overkill
Charm anything we aren't 5 unless I say it's beautiful
Neon
Watches: Another thing I'm weird about. Nothing that has indiglo or atimer on it is going to be present so forget it. I will have the timeand will keep you informed so unless your watch is a piece of jewelryyou don't need it. Put a bangle on instead.
Rings: Yes yes yes.
Yes:
Statement
Cocktail
Class
Celebration
Vintage
No:
Mood
Chain
Forever 21
Wooden
Plastic
Additional Notes on Accessories:
I'm also weird about accessories. I'm not saying you have to be wearingthe Harry Winston wreath for me to like it, but I am saying I will nottolerate any gross plastic shizzz. Remember: less is more. I lovethings on wrists, and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced. She's all about always having her holes filled. However, as usual, use common sense--If you are wearing a statementnecklace, you can't wear "statement" earrings. Keep things coordinated,simple, pretty, and fashionable. Remember, if you don't know, ASK!That's what I'm here for!


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HAIR, MAKEUP & HANDS.


MY FAVORITE. These are life lessons so read carefully.
Face: Your skin is your base. Your face is your starting point---Ifyour skin doesn't look good, nothing else will. Remember, no fuggies! Always remember that.So unless you are Chloe Hall or Carolyn Franco Am I supposed to know who these bitches are, or am I just old?, chances are you need todo something about your skin. I preferably like Tinted Moisturizer.
Yes:
Some kind of tinted moisturizer or light foundation.
Light cover up
Blush. This is not optional. So clown up yo faces, ladies!
Brows: make sure they look good. Get waxed!!!! Oh no, I just got mine threaded! What do I do??
No:
Caked on foundation
Dark blush or weird bronzer
Too obvious cover up. Just don't have blemishes at all. We don't want you.
Notes: You are young, so make yourself look like it. Fresh, pretty,feminine, cool = these are the code words. You don't need to pile onthe makeup, but you need to look like someone they'd die to hang outwith. If I ever say that I would die to hang out with someone, go ahead and kill me.
Lips: Another thing I'm weird about. If you haven't noticed, this Nazi is "weird" about everything. Oh, and weird = mean. You need to have color on your life. Otherwise you will look like ghost. Yes you will. Except for you Negroes. But not to worry, we won't be letting you in anyway.
Yes:
Lipstick: as long as it's pretty and young and soft.
Lipgloss: light, colorful, dewy
Moisturize moisturize moisturize!!! Nothing is uglier than cracked lips.
No:
Dark
Obvious liner Sorry, cholas, you're out.
Mustaches
Chapped lips
Eyes: This isn't Johnny O's people. Glitter/smoky eyes is nothappening. It's daytime, you eyes should defined and refined, less ismore.
Yes:
Liner
Mascara
Light shadow: champagnes, nudes, etc. Light pink looks surprisingly good on most people.
No:
Dark hues
Glitter
Sultry. It's noon people. And these are girls, not laxers. No need toseduce them with caked on black eye makeup. And if anyone likes to trythat, it's me, don't get me wrong. Just saying. Seriously though, girls go overboard too often with the raccoon eyes. Lil' Jenny Humphrey just looks skanky and cracked out.
Hair:
Clean
Cut
Out of your face
Freshly colored, if you get your hair colored.
Yes:
Half up half down
Chic, high ponytails
Down
No:
Weird accessories like plastic glittery butterflies. If you use a clip or bobby-pin make it simple, pretty, and understated.
Sloppy buns/ponytails
Nails: you best have a mani pedi when you get to Ithaca. The better to claw your eyes out with.
Wait. What about headbands? Blair Waldorf always rocks a headband. How am I supposed to know if it's permissible?

Additional Notes on Hair, Makeup & Nails:
Wear perfume
Wear deoderant
Get waxed, cut, colored and groomed!!!! Mani and pedi prior to Ithaca!!! Damn, we get it. Get your fucking nails did. But....press-ons? French tips? What are the no-no colors?? Guidance, woman, give me guidance!