Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Let's Talk About Reading: Once Upon A Time

Once Upon a Time premiered this past Sunday.  I got excited for this show because Jane Espenson is serving as an executive producer.  She actually didn't sign on until after the pilot, so this episode was untouched by her.  Here's the basic premise: there once was a fairy tale universe where this evil queen had her panties in a twist over Snow White.  Snow is married to some prince and she's knocked up.  The queen warns them she's going to slap a curse on all their asses, so the good guys freak out and find some magic means of protecting one person, which will be Snow.  She pops before this can happen, and her twat vomits out the kid.  So they decide to save the baby.  I know, right, NEVER the answer.  Oh and there was some prophecy about the baby's 28th birthday, blah blah blah.  The evil queen (whose makeup and eyelashes are OVAH) shows up and unleashes her curse.  She's going to freeze everyone in time and make it so she's the only one with a happy ending. 

In modern times, there's this blonde bitch with a bland personality who works as a bailbondswoman and bounty hunter and looks so much like Snow White that it's borderline confusing.  It's her 28th birthday, so she's SW's offspring.  Some little shit shows up at her doorstep with a big fuckin book of fairy tales, and he comes off as SUCH an asshole.  He's a little flaming faggotchild, but he's supposed to be wise beyond his years and clever and snarky and he claims to be the blonde robot's son that she gave up for adoption.  Wise-ass kids that are supposed to be precocious and lovable have the exact opposite effect on me:  I want to feed him to trolls.  He hates his adoptive mother and he says that everything in his book is true and that the characters live in his town, but they don't remember who they are.  Anyway, it's true, but blonde ho doesn't really believe it yet, even though she agrees to stick around for a week for the kid to convince her.  His adoptive mother pretty much hates him because he resents her, and she wants to destroy blonde trick.  Oh yeah, of course the mother is the Mayor of this tiny town who also happens to be the evil queen.

Some stylist clearly dropped the ball on this shit

Ooof.  That was exhausting.  I'm not really going to touch on plot any more than that, but it started off rough because the kid was so offputting.  He ruins every scene he's in.  I kind of liked the rest, even though the main character was rather boring, and I hate Snow White's (Ginnifer [eyeroll at the spelling] Goodwin) face.  To be fair, the pilot episode didn't really give blondie a chance to show if she's got any acting chops.  I suppose I'll withhold final judgment for now.  This is just my first impression.  The show has potential.  I think it could be special if it gets dark enough, has decent plot twists, and makes me care about the characters.  I am looking forward to some upcoming characters.  Emma Caulfield (TiMER, Anya from Buffy) will make an appearance as a blind witch from the vein of Hansel and Gretel.  And the impeccable Kristin Bauer (Pam from True Blood) will play Maleficent (villainess from Sleeping Beauty), a rival of the Evil Queen.

"I obviously own ass-less chaps"

I just can't think too hard about the stories.  First of all, Maleficent would squash this poser Evil Queen like a bug.  She was truly a bad ass evil bitch who wasn't afraid to turn into a dragon to burn yo ass.  Anyway.  Soooooo the whole story of Snow White is that the Evil Queen is jealous of how pretty SW is, so she decides to fuck with her.  In the original story, she tasks the huntsman with CUTTING OUT HER HEART.  Ummmmmm.  Let's think about this for a hot second.  You are a powerful sorceress: just make yourself prettier or SW busted.  Or just cut up her face a little.  What the fuck is going to happen?!  You're in charge.  You are the HBIC up in that magic kingdom, and you know what, if you want to straight up murder a bitch yourself, YOU CAN.  Fuck this curse bullshit, KILL THEM ALL.  Ugh, what a drama evil queen.  Random side note: it always made me really sad when the evil queen died in the Disney version.  I think that says a lot about my personality.

Then there's the issue of the happy ending.  EQ made the curse so she would be the only person with a happy ending.  Does this mean her happy ending is being the mayor of a shitty town filled with people she hates and who hate her, wearing dykey dress suits, and rearing an annoying should-have-been-abortion who isn't yours?  Awful.  She went from being a fearsome and powerful evil queen with magic powers to a blah looking extra from Desperate Housewives.  Way to go, dumbass.

Final thoughts:  I hope they tested the pilot with focus groups and they hated the kid.  They can minimalize his role, or better yet, kill him off.  I'm crossing my fingers that Jane Espenson's involvement will improve the show.  I'm sticking with it for now.

Let's Talk About Reading: Three Musketeers

I had the extreme misfortune of seeing the Three Musketeers this past weekend.  Brady and I decided to go because we thought it could be some mindless action fun.  And I'm a sucker for Milla Jovovich.  A hot bitch running around doing flips and spins and kicks and swordfighting all in ridiculous old school fashions sounded appealing to me. 

It was a hot ass mess.  And not in a good way.  Sometimes you can watch something ridiculous and still be entertained, but this was punishment.  Random question: why are they called musketeers if they don't even use guns?  Anyway, first of all, have some consistency.  Everyone seems to have a different accent.  French, Italian, English, all bets were off.  For some reason Milla spoke the way she does in the Resident Evil movies or Ultraviolet.  It was so out of place.  She was also a villain.  Which would have been fine, but I was expecting her to be a good guy!  Or at least redeem herself.  Nope.  She was just an unlikable bitch who fucked everyone over for no reason. 

This movie honestly isn't worth much a review, so I'm going to be brief.  The acting was terrible, no surprise there.  TM tried to walk a line between serious action and camp.  It should have picked one or the other.  As it is, it's a mish mash of unfunny lines with absurd fighting sequences.  All the male characters pretty much look alike.  They had to give one villain an eyepatch just so we can distinguish him.  Orlando Bloom looks a little different, like he's trying to pump a 1600s English duke version of Jack Sparrow.  It was rough.  His look was sloppy.  He looked like a shitty faggot on Halloween.  Don't try it, queens, or Sophia Lamar will destroy you.  Milla had some cute outfits, but they kept giving her these oversized hoods that served NO purpose other than to look ridiculous.  At one point when she and Orlando Bloom are about to get it on, he rips off her delicate, sheer flowered hood, and all I could imagine was him saying "girl, that hood is HIDEOUS!"  Then there was d'Artagnan.  This hot little twink (MAYBE 5'8") was written horribly of course, but he was fun to look at.  The only problem was the absurd wig they put him in.  Seriously, it's a Liz Lemon wig.  It was honestly distracting.

Speaking of wigs.  Whatever they had going on with the ginger King Louis XIII was weird.  They tried to make him a lovable fop, but it was clumsy and forced.  Gingers have odd facial hair too, no offense to my ginger friends (wait, do I have any of those?).  They styled his wig just like Geena Davis in A League of Their Own, so I had to laugh every time I saw him.

All in all, if I wouldn't have had Brady there to ridicule the movie with me, I would have walked out.  I did develop contempt for everyone else watching the movie.  People were genuinely laughing at all the "jokes" and stupid slapstick peppered through the movie.  OMG a bird shat on that guy's head!  When the sheep would laugh, Brady and I would look around in wonder and then look at each other as if to say, these bitches disgust me.