In Which We Discuss Rimming

Brady and I like to watch/mock The Vampire Diaries simultaneously and gossip about it.  We are also fans of the male figure.  Over the course of the show, Steven R. McQueen has gone from super twink to muscle twink, and I appreciate both forms.  It's like he's now a Super Saiyan version of himself. 

me:  I really want to make Jeremy spread and go to town

. . .

me:  I'd like him on his back with his knees by his head

Brady:  Yes, face and body wise he is fine.

. . .

Brady:  Oh back to Jeremy's ass. Unless it is super fine, it wouldn't inspire me to munch it.

Brady:  But I'd fuck him.

me:  It looks nicely shaped

Brady:  I enjoy when guys do mine and I'd do it for a bf but I'm not eating strange sniz unless it's just begging for it.

me:  Sometimes it does though.

me:  It says, eat me

me:  Toss me with a nice vinnaigrette and top me with parmesan

Brady:   Some do.

You like peanut butter, right?

And this is how I pay my bills.

My tattoo is a representation of when I lost my assginity.

Judy Winslowed

Brady and I love the story of Judy Winslow.  She was part of the family on Family Matters, and one day she went up to her room and never came down.  They retconned the shit out of her.  It was as if she never existed.  We love to use the term as a verb.  I've Judy Winslowed a few people in my life.  It's a sad but sometimes necessary move.  I got inspired by the My Little Ponies: Friendship Is Magic meme of Princess Celestia banishing bitches to the moon and created this:

St. Petersburg House of Discreet Pleasure

I've known of this show titled Svetlana for a while now, but I finally got into it this weekend.  I finished the two seasons tonight.  The titular character is a Russian madam/prostitute in L.A. dealing with the everyday stuggles of whoredom and life and features so many funny bitches you already know.  She's brought to life by the genius comedian Iris Bahr.  No really, she might be a genius, having studied neuropsychology at Brown.  To be fair, I took some neuropsych classes, and it's not as hard as it sounds (#humblebrag).  She's certainly gifted in every aspect of entertainment.  I tried to figure out how I knew her, but it wasn't until I looked her up that I realized she was in some of the best Curb Your Enthusiasm episodes of all time... the season 5 episodes where Larry pretends to be Jewish.  Look into it.  Sidenote: her memoir Dork Whore is available on the Kindle for $1.99!  ANYWAY, Svetlana is laugh-out-loud hilarious and dirty and fantastic.  It's on a random channel called HDNet that I apparently get after all.  Thanks to this show, my inner monologue now has a Russian accent.  Get into it, children.

Fun with Merlin

I've been really into the BBC Merlin series recently. I've blown through 2.5 seasons this week. As well as 1.5 of The Hunger Games Trilogy... I guess I've been pretty bored. Anyway, this short scene in Merlin was begging for pictures. I'm not going to bother with witty captions, because they speak for themselves.

Let's Talk About Reading: Once Upon A Time

Once Upon a Time premiered this past Sunday.  I got excited for this show because Jane Espenson is serving as an executive producer.  She actually didn't sign on until after the pilot, so this episode was untouched by her.  Here's the basic premise: there once was a fairy tale universe where this evil queen had her panties in a twist over Snow White.  Snow is married to some prince and she's knocked up.  The queen warns them she's going to slap a curse on all their asses, so the good guys freak out and find some magic means of protecting one person, which will be Snow.  She pops before this can happen, and her twat vomits out the kid.  So they decide to save the baby.  I know, right, NEVER the answer.  Oh and there was some prophecy about the baby's 28th birthday, blah blah blah.  The evil queen (whose makeup and eyelashes are OVAH) shows up and unleashes her curse.  She's going to freeze everyone in time and make it so she's the only one with a happy ending. 

In modern times, there's this blonde bitch with a bland personality who works as a bailbondswoman and bounty hunter and looks so much like Snow White that it's borderline confusing.  It's her 28th birthday, so she's SW's offspring.  Some little shit shows up at her doorstep with a big fuckin book of fairy tales, and he comes off as SUCH an asshole.  He's a little flaming faggotchild, but he's supposed to be wise beyond his years and clever and snarky and he claims to be the blonde robot's son that she gave up for adoption.  Wise-ass kids that are supposed to be precocious and lovable have the exact opposite effect on me:  I want to feed him to trolls.  He hates his adoptive mother and he says that everything in his book is true and that the characters live in his town, but they don't remember who they are.  Anyway, it's true, but blonde ho doesn't really believe it yet, even though she agrees to stick around for a week for the kid to convince her.  His adoptive mother pretty much hates him because he resents her, and she wants to destroy blonde trick.  Oh yeah, of course the mother is the Mayor of this tiny town who also happens to be the evil queen.

Some stylist clearly dropped the ball on this shit

Ooof.  That was exhausting.  I'm not really going to touch on plot any more than that, but it started off rough because the kid was so offputting.  He ruins every scene he's in.  I kind of liked the rest, even though the main character was rather boring, and I hate Snow White's (Ginnifer [eyeroll at the spelling] Goodwin) face.  To be fair, the pilot episode didn't really give blondie a chance to show if she's got any acting chops.  I suppose I'll withhold final judgment for now.  This is just my first impression.  The show has potential.  I think it could be special if it gets dark enough, has decent plot twists, and makes me care about the characters.  I am looking forward to some upcoming characters.  Emma Caulfield (TiMER, Anya from Buffy) will make an appearance as a blind witch from the vein of Hansel and Gretel.  And the impeccable Kristin Bauer (Pam from True Blood) will play Maleficent (villainess from Sleeping Beauty), a rival of the Evil Queen.

"I obviously own ass-less chaps"

I just can't think too hard about the stories.  First of all, Maleficent would squash this poser Evil Queen like a bug.  She was truly a bad ass evil bitch who wasn't afraid to turn into a dragon to burn yo ass.  Anyway.  Soooooo the whole story of Snow White is that the Evil Queen is jealous of how pretty SW is, so she decides to fuck with her.  In the original story, she tasks the huntsman with CUTTING OUT HER HEART.  Ummmmmm.  Let's think about this for a hot second.  You are a powerful sorceress: just make yourself prettier or SW busted.  Or just cut up her face a little.  What the fuck is going to happen?!  You're in charge.  You are the HBIC up in that magic kingdom, and you know what, if you want to straight up murder a bitch yourself, YOU CAN.  Fuck this curse bullshit, KILL THEM ALL.  Ugh, what a drama evil queen.  Random side note: it always made me really sad when the evil queen died in the Disney version.  I think that says a lot about my personality.

Then there's the issue of the happy ending.  EQ made the curse so she would be the only person with a happy ending.  Does this mean her happy ending is being the mayor of a shitty town filled with people she hates and who hate her, wearing dykey dress suits, and rearing an annoying should-have-been-abortion who isn't yours?  Awful.  She went from being a fearsome and powerful evil queen with magic powers to a blah looking extra from Desperate Housewives.  Way to go, dumbass.

Final thoughts:  I hope they tested the pilot with focus groups and they hated the kid.  They can minimalize his role, or better yet, kill him off.  I'm crossing my fingers that Jane Espenson's involvement will improve the show.  I'm sticking with it for now.

All Things Buffy

Yikes.  I started this post at the beginning of August and have abandoned it until now.  Here we go. . .

I've been meaning to write a Buffy The Vampire Slayer post for a very long time. I recently started rewatching the series, and I'm still in love with it. I didn't religiously watch it when it originally aired, but I caught episodes here and there. Then a few years ago, I watched the two episodes that aired every day on TNT, and LOVED it. I remembered some of it, but I finally caught up on it. At that point, season seven wasn't syndicated yet, so I had to get those DVDs, and I burned through them quickly. I imagine it would be difficult for someone to get into it now having never seen it. The first season is rough. The first two seasons are rough, really. The first season is just an intro to everything Slayer. The plot is whatever and the monster of the week format is fine as an introduction to the series. The story with Angel is compelling and interesting enough to keep the viewers watching. Of course the last episode is great with Buffy facing off against the Master and Cordelia becoming more of a Scooby.

The second series really picks up, and you start to get a better idea of the tone of the show. You get glimpses of its potential, but I still don't think it really found its voice yet. Spike is around this season, and he's always a treat, but he's completely evil at this point, and a little two-dimensional. The introduction of the second slayer as a result of Buffy's two-minute death in the first series is fun. The best part about Kendra (definitely NOT that terrible made-up accent) is that she named her stake Mr. Pointy. Buffy fucks Angel, Angel loses his soul, Buffy has to kill him, blah blah blah. I'll admit there was some great drama from Angelus' attitude toward Buffy and the subsequent running him through with a sword.

Season three is when Buffy really starts to shine. There are some hilarious episodes like "Band Candy," "The Wish," and "Zeppo" that hit the comedic stride that I feel the show is known for. This is of course balanced with some great drama in the form of the new slayer in Sunnydale, Faith. Bitch is crazy. At first we think she's crazy in a good way, but it turns out she's damaged goods and doesn't know how to deal with life. She kind of becomes evil, and a bitch loves to kill (even a human! The lovely and talented Jack Plotnick of Girls Will Be Girls future fame no less!). In the end, Buffy has to nut up and stab a cunt with her own knife. Sometimes you just have to cut somebody.

The fourth season is important to me for a few reasons. The first is that everyone's look improves. Buffy was always cute, but she really starts to get beautiful. Willow moves from super nerd to nerd chic, which is nice. She finally starts in on some full-fledged witching, making her more of a standout. She realizes her dykeyness and starts "doing spells" with Tara. Ugh. Tara. She was likable sometimes, but mostly annoying at first, with her stammering and shyness. Season four was also special because Anya became a regular cast member. She is THE BEST. She's hilarious without meaning to be, and watching her try to adapt to human ways is amazing. I miss her. But more about that later. Spike's neutering by the Initiative really serves to put the show on another level. Seeing him as a quasi-good guy is rewarding, and the playful interactions with gang are fantastically written.

Season five is when the show really becomes Buffy for me. I think this might be because the first season I bought on DVD was this one, resulting in many viewings. Spike becomes integrated with the Scooby gang, sort of kind of earning their trust.  To some extent.  This is of course the season that starts out with (well the Dracula episode which was really funny and called back to in the comic) Buffy's previously non-existant sister appearing.  Yeah, big WTF there.  Dawn sucked SO HARDCORE at first.  Well, she always sucks, but she gets less annoying further into the series.  The Big Bad this season is a fun departure from scary beasts in the form of a pretty blonde goddess shunned from her hell dimension.  And of course, there is the "The Body."  This is the amazing episode where (spoiler alert, too late) Buffy's mother dies.  There's no music in the episode, and it is quite intense.  It just hurts to watch.  I love uncomfortable things like that.  The speech that always gets to me the most comes from Anya:

But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

The season ends with Buffy sacrificing herself to save her sister.  I suppose that could have been an end to the series, but I'm glad it wasn't because the next season was my favorite.

This is where I need to rewatch again, but I'll go from memory for now.  I took a break to watch HIMYM, 70 episodes of Bleach, and new episodes of current shows.  The gang brings Buffy back to life, but she has trouble adjusting to being back in the world.  Seems they pulled a bitch out of heaven.  Oops!  The reveal is so memorable in the amazing musical episode "Once More With Feeling."  The introduction of The Trio of nerds is fun and cute.  There are some really fun episodes like "Gone" where Buffy gets a cute haircut that no one can see because ZOMG! the Trio made her invisible.  It's cute.  "Doublemeat Palace" remains one of my favorites as well.  Willow and Tara break up because Willow becomes addicted to magic and does a ton of stupid shit, blah blah blah.  Just as they're about to get back together, one of the Trio comes barging into Buffy's backyard, shoots Buffy, and a stray bullet kills Tara.  That is a SAD fucking scene.  Lesbian Witch goes all Dark Willow and wants some revenge.  Then she wants to end everyone's suffering by destroying the world.  Natch.

The final season changes the game when all the potential slayers the team can get are brought to Sunnydale after it's found that they're being murdered.  Oh yeah, at the end of Six, Spike loved Buffy so much that he tried to rape her.  You know how that goes.  It turns out that he went through some crazy trials and had his soul restored, thinking Buffy could love him once he had it.  Aww.  He's back, but he's insane for a while.  The First Evil serves as the Big Bad this time around, and it's an appropriately epic touch for the final season.  The cutest of the Trio, Andrew, returns in a capacity to help the slayers, and he is fantastically nerdy.  The Hellmouth is opening, and an ancient breed of bad ass vampires are on the loose.  They are pretty much invincible at first, but once they manage to kill one, they are treated as hardly worse than regular vamps.  This is a glaring inconsistency that Joss Whedon admits in the commentary, but it had to happen I think.  They pull off a coup in the end, and Willow performs a spell to give all potential slayers in the world the powers of a full slayer.  It's a pretty inspiring scene, and it's very Girl Power.  In the end, Anya is killed (sad dot com slash ME), the Hellmouth is closed, and Sunnydale is destroyed.  It's a great end to a great show.

But that's not where the story ends.  It continued in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8, a monthly serialized comic.  I was worried about this one, but it turns out the comic is great!  Mostly.  There are seven volumes so far, with the most recent having just been released this week.  There's a new BB in town, and his name is, get this:  TWILIGHT.  Granted, this was planned well before the Twilight series was mainstream and had tweens creaming their jeans over Robert Pattinson (which btw, I was creaming my jeans over him long before Twilight.  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, anyone?).  Still, it's unfortunate.  Moving on.  The stories are fun and well written, with appropriate artwork.  The Slayers are all gathered in Scotland with Buffy as their leader.  Shit is going down, Dawn is a giant, then a centaurette, then a rag doll, and Willow seems to have more power than ever.  We discover some interesting secrets, and see some familiar faces along the way.  Being in graphic novel form, the stories have license to do more outrageous things would be prohibitively expensive, which is so fun.  I have to say though, having just finished the most recent trade paperback collection, it was a little disappointing.  Maybe not so much disappointing as WTF?  Angel returns and Buffy gains superhero powers, and the whole reasoning behind everything is just so. . . stupid.  There, I said it.  Fucking stupid.  I still enjoyed it, but DAMN.  It's over, and I'm looking forward to moving onto the next arc.  We know at some point that our resident lesbian Wicca goes Dark Willow again, and it's mentioned many times since Buffy gets sucked into the future for a hot minute.  Hopefully the story of how that happens will be epic.  Thanks to Fray, an older pre-season eight comic collection about a slayer hundreds of years in the future, we know that magic doesn't really exist in the future, but Willow is very much alive and very much magical.  Buffy kills her :(

Which brings me to the motion comic.  Available on iTunes since July, it's exactly what it sounds like.  They started at the beginning, and they're now on the third volume.  The medium really adds a fun dimension to season eight.  I do wish the original actors would have voiced their characters, but the ones present are acceptable.  Each episode is one issue of the comic, and they are released weekly.  I watch them on my iPad, and they are crisp, sleek, and gorgeous.

I hesitate to even mention this, but there is a BTVS videogame.  I believe it was for PS2, and it looked awful.  I don't have it, and I think it might taint Buffy for me to play it.

Pity Party

Last night was the final of three shitty interactions in one week. They were sad reminders of a harsh reality I can't change, and I really felt like doing some crying. I have this problem where I can't just cry for myself. It started a few years ago, and I'm pretty sure I even know what triggered it. So I won't cry immediately when something terrible happens to me, but I will sob like a fucking baby while watching Disney movies. Something in me says it's okay to redirect it. I don't know how to fix this other than getting to that point and feeling it for myself. That's what I needed to do last night. It was late, so I didn't have the option of watching What Dreams May Come. I settled for the quick solution to bring the tears: the series finale of Six Feet Under. The last sequence gets me every time, and last night was no exception. I quickly burst into suffocating sobs. The kind of crying that literally hurt. Then I felt sorry for myself for a few minutes after that, trying to get it all out. I blew my nose for five minutes and went to bed. I felt so much better this morning and not nearly as melancholy. I've been in a pretty good mood today, in fact. I don't know about you chrome heartless bastards, but I recommend a good cry every now and then. Here's the last few minutes of 6FU, but if you don't already know what happens and plan on watching the show, skip it:

Bootleg Alias

I'm really getting into this new USA Network show Covert Affairs. It really is like a bootleg version of Alias (one of the best programs EVER). Piper Perabo is Anne, the main character who is a newbie at the CIA. Part of the reason I enjoy this show so much must be that she bears a striking resemblance to Jennifer Garner's Sydney Bristow of Alias. She even has similar speech patterns and mannerisms. I should keep an eye out for her tucking her hair behind her ear: Syd's trademark. Anne is a littler more relaxed and loose compared to Sydney's uptightness. She's not as badass as I'd like her to be, but I think she'll get there. She is after all new to the CIA, whereas we meet Sydney seven years into her tenure of the espionage trade. Sendhil Ramamurthy also costars, and he's kind of annoying. After a couple seasons on Heroes, I really came to loathe him. The Eyebrow King, Peter Gallagher, also costars as a higher-up at the agency. Whatever, he's alright. I still think of him as Sandy from The O.C. Playing the part of Anne's older sister who is in the dark concerning her spy status is Anne Dudek, one of the white bitches White Chicks. I could never imagine her in a serious role, but she really impressed me! That is partly due to her more brunette shade now, it just makes her easier to believe. Sorry, blondies. Remember Henry the hot nerd from Ugly Betty?



Mmmm I do. He costars as a blind agent. EYEROLL. He is so terrible at it, that it is almost laugh-out-loud funny at times. In the pilot, he literally looked actors in the eye several times. He needs blind lessons. Anyway, they need to wise up and just have him shirtless all the time. It's hard to say how the show will shape up, but it looks promising. After only two episodes, I'm still interested in what will become of the characters, and the mysteries that are starting to build. It seems this program will blend light mythology into stand-alone episodes, which is a compromise I can respect. I prefer mythology-heavy series, but networks frown on that, instead usually opting for Law & Order: Bullshit format. The intro is atrocious, and much too light-hearted for my taste. It's cartoony and too much fun. Tone that shit down. The action is decent, and I do love me a girl fight! Here is the ultimate in girlfighting, from the season two finale of Alias (LILA, MY LOVELY ROLLERSKATING FRIEND ON THE WEST COAST, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, DO NOT WATCH THE VIDEO, SPOILER ALERT, HO!):

Why Do I Love Thee?

Well, my love for Drop Dead Diva is back. I watched it last year when I was incapacitated and had nothing else to see. I grudgingly enjoyed it. It's silly and ridiculous, but it has its good points. The star is a thick girl, which is pretty awesome. She can act her ass off, and she has a good singing voice (which they really had to contrive to work into the show). It's cool to see a big girl in a starring role instead of some skinny bitch. Margaret Cho co-stars, and she's decent. I mean, she doesn't exactly shine when she can't talk about pussy, cock, and shit. There are also some great guest stars like Rosie O'Donnell, Paula Abdul (yuck, but yay if you're into her), and Faith Prince. Faith who? She was the wife of the mobster in that fantastically terrible Barry Gordon's The Last Dragon, which I hear is being remade. Blarf. She was also in some Encyclopedia show on HBO when I was a kid, and I loved that shit. She sings and has a funny voice and is great. She's put on a little weight in the face, but whatever, so have you. My favorite part of the show is the main character's guardian angel: Ben Feldman. Yum. Perfect. He also sings, but I guess he has an okay voice, so it's tolerable. I think he's made my list of top 3. Among them is Alexander Skaarsgard of True Blood. He's really just on the list because he's so pretty. I also have a big crush on Chris Hardwick. He's cute, pulls of a great scruffy look, hilarious, and sober. All things I like. Ben Feldman is really trying to work his way up to number one though.

Hot Mess In Cleveland

The TV Land premier of Hot In Cleveland was last night, and it was. . . meh. It was trite, cliché, and a little boring at times. There are some decent one-liners but none we haven't heard before. It stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves, and Valerie Bertinelli with Betty White as back-up. Wendy is pulling her usual snobby Hollywood schtick from Just Shoot Me, which to her credit she is good at. She's a woman of a certain age who finds the adoration of the simple Ohio folk amusing. Jane Leeves was more crass than the last time I paid her any attention (Frasier), and she's fine. I suppose it works for her. Her character has glasses in the pilot which annoyingly reflect whatever monitors are on set, which only serves to remind me that she's acting, and isn't acting the sweet girl we're used to from Frasier. Then there's Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie who? Exactly. Oh, that big girl from Weight Watchers? Yes. Was it even WW? I'm not even sure because I've never paid attention to her, and I don't care to now. She's boring, whiny, and the whole time I just wanted her to shut up. She's supposed to be the focus of the series with her sad story of her soon-to-be-ex-husband becoming engaged to a younger woman. The problem is she is so blah that she isn't likable at all, and I won't be rooting for her underdog performance.

And Betty. Oh, Betty. She's the only reason to watch. The show has her as a sassy, crass octogenarian who clashes especially with Jane Leeves. She's funny, and it's obvious she's a pro who knows comic timing. They favor giving her lines not expected from the elderly, which rather makes it seem like an extension of her SNL hosting duty, but I'm into it. I fully support anything she does. Thank you, Ms. White, for making this program tolerable. I'd live for whatever she is a part of. It could be The Betty White Baby Strangling Hour, and I'd still cherish it on my DVR.

addendum: I just want to say a few more things. This is a fun show, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I expect everything to live up to the hilarity of Cougar Town or the drama of Battlestar Galactica. HIC is a perfectly acceptable show. In the same way that I guess people enjoy How I Met Your Mother. I'm never really going to give a shit about what the plot is, but it will entertain me. OH, and Jane Leeves' legs are INSANE. So hot. She is looking great, so you know, there's always that.

My Sisters' Cries

I recognize that United States of Tara is not an amazing program, but I still get some chuckles out of it. I'm living for this music video created for the show and its campiness.