Wednesday, April 22, 2009

*sigh*

A friend is taking some exercise dance class focusing on zumba? Whatever it is, I guess it's a thing people do, and it's not that strange. She was demonstrating one of the dances, doing country line dance movements, and said, "you know the one."
"Just because I'm white doesn't mean I know how to line dance. Do you know how to do the stanky legg?"

Then she started doing something else that resembled the macarena. She asked if I knew it.

"The blackarena?"

Trancient History




I worked an event yesterday at the local university campus for my job, and I noticed a funny poster. It was for a speaker event freaturing Katelynn and JD of the Real World: Brooklyn. Hmm. WTF, I thought. Who would want to see these two spectacular douche bags douche it up in person? It turns out that I wanted to witness the douche off. I figured so much ignorance and ridiculousness would be spewed, that I would regret it if I skipped out.



I arrived for the event a little early in order to make sure I had front row tickets to crazy. As I loitered in the lobby hoping I can still pass for a college-age student and trying not to look like a creepy older guy, I noticed an angel. She was an old tranny. Or as I now call her, a Trancient. She was thick and masculine and wore far too much makeup for her own good. Being the natural shit magnet that I am, she of course spoke to me from across the hallway. "Did you know Katelynn is a pre-op." Wrong. I had to correct her with, "I think she's post-op."

"Yes, just like me." Oh boy, transsexual and senescent, what a killer combo. I said, "oh, cool," and did my best to appear busy looking in my messenger bag for something that didn't exist. I noticed that she had a terribly manly walk in her pumps and inwardly chided myself for being judgmental to a fellow LGBT.



My trancient implied that she was pre-op, and I become uncomfortable. Not because of what she revealed though. When she said something that drew attention to what are generally considered private body parts, I couldn't help but wonder: what does she look like naked? It's the same when a woman talks about having had breast cancer. Thanks for the tit visual, grandma.



I surveyed the audience and was disappointed. A few gay guys, no on-sight dykes, and a sea of straight girls wearing stretch headbands and sweatpants. Youth of the nation, I ask, what the fuck is wrong with you? That is simply unacceptable! You don't wear sweatpants in public unless you're exercising. Get it together, kids. These were some sloppy ass looking bitches.



As JD and Katelynn made their way on stage to take their seats, I clapped. However I made sure to look into their eyes and glare disapprovingly, as if to let them know I was judging them.



Katelynn looked cute in her black patent leather slingbacks. She spoke for quite a while, but it was rather disappointing and provided me with few opportunities for digs. She made up words and misused others in her attempt at condescendingly addressing us. She talked about her transition, blah blah blah. She mentioned that she got her start in the advocacy world with a group called GLSTN. That's pronounced "glisten" as in "the head of his rock-hard cock glistened with precum." The word glisten will forever be ruined for me due to a penchant for fanfic erotica I had as a teenager.

Katelynn said she wanted to be a voice for her community because the average person doesn't have much exposure to trannies beyond Jerry Springer. Even then the trans individual is "sixty-five, wearing a little skirt, and not cute." I cringed in what I hoped would be an awkward moment for her because the trancient in the front row fit the description perfectly. One of her problems was that her speech was filled with many scripted jokes, and she mostly didn't take the time to look around her and tailor them to the environment. She and JD took a chartered bus to our little town from Chicago (big spenders, this MTV) and were worried on the way here. She said all the churches and gun stores she saw en route made her expect a scene from Mississippi Burning.

She said that she now understands sexism, because all of the sudden she's expected not to be able to drive, play sports, etc. Then she fucks herself by telling us that all men, even her when she was male, she experienced only happiness, sadness, and anger. Now that she takes hormones, her emotional world has been greatly expanded. Reverse sexism? Katelynn now groups all guys together as only experiencing three core emotions? Eat it, bitch.

Katelynn did bring up one good point. She asked what goes through girls' minds on a first date. "Is he really ballin' or is he frontin'? I wonder if he's really packing?" Then what are her thoughts on a first date? "Is this the person who's going to murder me? Am I the next Gwen Arajo?" Aw, sadface :( Super sadface :(((



As for JD. . . there's not much to say. I was never into him on the show, but he's cute in person. He seemed nice enough and personable, but his speech was terrible. He spoke for maybe ten minutes, telling pointless stories of his time in the house. He seemed to lack a message, and then as if realizing this, he told the crowd that his purpose was to spread Pedro's story. He asked us how many people saw the Pedro movie on MTV, and literally three people raised their hands. "It's amazing, all you guys should really see it." No. It's not amazing, it's not remarkable, it's not even tolerable. Helen Keller could tell you that. The commercials alone let us know how awful it was. The message and the story may have been moving, but when it's told through such horrible acting and writing, it's ruined. Way to go MTV, you took a big shit on a dead AIDS guy. I hope you're proud.

I just found out a friend of mine hates Pedro. What? She likes Puck and doesn't think he should have been kicked off. She said that Pedro was just selfish and wanted to be famous. Um, he was already basically dying of AIDS when he started filming and just seemed to want to spread awareness. She won't hear any of it.

At first I was pissed. You can't hate someone who has AIDS! That's not right. Or is it? It's right as long as you don't hate him because he has AIDS. This is what I've come to realize. I don't have to feel guilty for making fun of someone who belongs to the LGBT disenfranchised community. I don't have to ignore flaws out of some false obligation to others who struggle to be seen as equal. Equality means the same rights as everyone else, but it also means the same risks. I can make fun of that old tranny's age and poor strut, but I still respect her for having the balls to do what she does. Bless her artificially estrogenized heart. It's okay to hate for the right reasons.