Sunday, January 31, 2010

Did You Know Seal Went to Hogwarts?

I was just looking up Seal on the internet because I forget how he got those scars. It's apparently not information I kept in my head because he hasn't really been relevant for over a decade. Imagine my surprise when I popped over to Wikipedia and found out that Seal is a wizard! Check it out!





Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 4


Okay, first of all, I cracked. I had two mini donuts. Whatever. They were good and worth it. Aside from that I've felt strange. I've been having crazy sugar highs and lows. Plus the other night my stomach woke me up at 2 a.m. Not because I was hungry, but because I was just about ready to shit myself. It seems to have been better since then, but I don't know if I can deal with another week of trying not to shart myself. I woke up this morning dying for a cup of tea. That alone was almost enough to make me call the whole thing off. We'll see if I can handle any more of this.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Textual Intercourse


my brother: What's the name of the actor that plays GOB?


me: Will Arnett


my brother: thanks, i'm just about to win a bet with a student with autism

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Day 1



When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Today was my first day of trying the master cleanse diet. You know the one. Remember how Beyonce announced on Oprah that she lost weight in preparation for Dreamgirls by consuming nothing but water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper? That's the one. The mixture for one serving is supposed to be 8 ounces of water, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp grade B maple syrup, and 1/1o tsp of cayenne pepper. I like spiciness even though I have a very low threshold for it, but when I made my bottle-full for work this morning, I put in WAY too much pepper. It is recommended to drink 6-12 servings of this mess per day. I'm currently enjoying it sans pepper, and it is fucking delicious. This kosher organic bullshit maple syrup is great. I'll never go back to that big bitch Mrs. Buttersworth or that shameful Aunt Jemima ever again.

It's not even been one day, but I want food so bad! I don't even feel that hungry, I just want to taste something! I have nine more days of this to look forward to. Yikes. Oh, you're also supposed to drink herbal laxative teas at bedtime and drink some sort of salt water in the morning to get your bowels moving. Eff that noise. I drank some of the tea last night, and I'll probably continue to do so, but there's no way I'm doing more than that. I woke up this morning convinced that the tea had no effect. Then about an hour after waking, it hit me. I had to go NOW. Anyway, I'll keep updates on how I'm doing, because I'm going to have to bitch about this. I weighed myself this morning, and though I won't say what the result was, I'm hoping it will be considerably less in 9 days.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Is This Trick For Real?


One of my best friends was kind enough to forward an interesting email to me. It is the dress code for those young women crazy enough to be rushing the Cornell sorority DDD. She knew I would appreciate it that much. There's so much I could do with this, but I want to keep its original format mostly intact. You'll find my comments in bold. This list is obviously written by some übercunt Blair Waldorf wannabe, and I both love and hate her based on this text alone. Let the fuckery begin:


CLOTHING.
Round I & II: “Casual chic”
Bottoms:
Yes:
Medium-to-dark or black skinny or straight jeans
Dark skinny or straight cords
"Denim-legging" is appropriate as long as it's done right: aka, notfrom American Apparel and worn with chic, cool chunky boots over themand a longer top. NO camel toe. Seriously? Bitches have to be told this?
No:
Super "Flared leg" pants
Cropped pants. Ugh. What are these anyway? Capris? Cropped make them sound like you cut out the ugliest part of the pant. Perhaps the part that contains the cankles?
Bleached/very light or TORN jeans I don't care if they're in style.
Khakis What's wrong with khakis? I mean, I guess you can end up looking like a lesbian or you work at Best Buy.
Leggings worn as pants I'm torn here. Some girls can really pull off this look, but it's become a go-to of. . . curvy women.
Muffin tops or extreme low rise!! No fatties! No slutsies!
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses: flowy, pretty material. No mention of what constitutes "pretty material."
Sweaters or other long-sleeved shirts, V or Crew.
Cardigans (with longer tank top under preferably)
Blazers: Yes, please! I love a casual top with a cool boyfriend blazer over it
No:
Summer pattern/colors, too tight or too short shirts or blouses!
Low-cut
Sleeveless
Tank tops
Frumpy
Preferably no short sleeves-- recommended: full coverage aka elbow length baby Jesus help you if you have ashy elbows, 3/4 length, long, thin layers.
Shoes:
Yes:
Nice flats: Tory Burch, etc. More evening-ish, understated. Patent leather good.
Heels: mid-height. This round is still "casual", so no sky-high hookerheels! but later on, anything goes! I'm thinking mid-height Mary Jane heels, or mid-height chunkykate spade, etc.
Boots: love. Chunky or simple/elegant, heel on the lower side to flat. The only chunky thing about you should be your heels. Worn OVER pants
No:
Open-toed! AGREED. Don't nobody wanna see your gnarled, chitinous toes curling over the edge of your pump looking like a shrimp cocktail.
WHITE REVERSE RACISM. On a side note, I really don't like the term "reverse racism." It implies only Caucasians can be racist. Trust, I know Koreans who to this day HATE the Japanese.
Strappy
High-heeled/going out boots.
If you're wearing cheapo shoes, make sure they don't look it. Like everything else about you, it's okay to be cheap as long as you don't look it.


Round III, House Tours: "Business Casual"
Bottoms:
Yes:
Slacks/Dress Pants: dark gray or black, aka "full length pants of non-jeans material"
Skirts: pencil *if you must wear a skirt, can't be "cocktail", needs to look sharper) No.2 Pencil skirts only, ladies!
If wearing a skirt, tights are necessary! Good point. You don't want to go flaunting those burns and cuts you gave yourself last month when daddy wasn't paying enough attention to you.
Dresses: an informal dress with appropriate skirt length.
No:
Slacks that are too short. It's my pet peeve. Isn't this just common sense?
Mismatched socks/pants. No "socks" at all you buried the lead, dumbass!--they should be hose material.
Tops:
Yes:
Blouses
Oxfords/Button-downs
Nice sweaters, light material like silks (silk is not satin poor people).
Shoes:
Yes:
Heels. PRETTY HEELS.
Heeled boots if you must but I'm going to judge you for it.
No:
"Fuck-Me-Pumps"
Tacky/cheapo/pleather. Don't mess with me. Seriously. If you show up wearing that shit, I swear to Tyra I will put the fucking heels through your eyeball.
Note: everyone needs a pair pretty heels and nice slacks in life in general--it's a good investment. Because how else are you going to snag a husband?


Round IV, Skit & Philanthropy: Step up from Business Casual, not yet "Cocktail".. think brunch, somewhere cool and chic. HUGE FUCKING EYE ROLL.
Bottoms:
Yes:
Skirts: pencil or nicer. Again, this is referring to an imaginary hierarchy created by a useless twat that doesn't even feel the need to share.
Formal slacks
Dresses: less formal than cocktail, think like lunch party. I'm lost.
No: Same "nos" as above.
Tops:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
No: " "
Shoes:
Yes: Same as above but dressier, more nighttime.
I like boots with dresses if they go and look cool together. Yes, that's not at all subjective.
No: " "


Round V, Preference: "Cocktail"
Dresses.
Yes:
Appropriate knee and sleeve length.
Winter colors
Tights
Shaved legs
No:
Spaghetti straps.
Sleeveless--unless you have really good arms.
Satin. No one looks good in satin dresses unless its from BetseyJohnson or Dolce and Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have 3pairs of spanks on and it's New Years Eve. But what if you're 4'6" and built like Snooki? That's a special case, because she is allowed to wear whatever crazy ass cupcake titty outfit she wants.
Cleavage Why can't the girls ever come out to play??
Frumpy/maternal/knit Um, but what if you're actually knocked up?
Shoes: Same guidelines as above, but remember this is the nicest roundso make sure you're wearing heels that you could wear to a cocktailparty. I like patent leather, I like chunky-er heels that are infashion right now, and I like boots with dresses as long as they're'right'. Also guys, it's winter. Put on some tights. Yeah, because that will keep you warm.
Yes:
Close Toe
Peep Toe
Boots
Booties if you can pull them off aka probably not. ZING

No:
Cork
Strappy
White
Summery


Additional Notes on Clothing:
I'm weird about shoes. So please do it right.
I'm going to be doing dress checks so have your outfits for each round completely figured out before you get to Ithaca. Freal, bitch? You mad.
If you do not know if something is appropriate/works, email me a picture of it and I shall discuss things with you. How the hell does she have time to review submissions from the scores of sycophants who are sure to email her?



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ACCESSORIES.
Accessories: I expect EVERYONE to be wearing accessories. This is animportant part of every outfit and can make or break many ensembles. Make that ANY ensemble. Come on, son, you know better.
Earrings:
Yes:
Studs: diamond or pearls or something that's just adorable.
Huggies
Hoops: Sparkly or gold or silver. Not tooooo big. A general rule: the bigger the hoop, the looser the vag.
Something hippie-chic and cool.
No:
Chandaliers.
Obnoxious piercings.
Feathers (I know I'm just saying) As if this is so obvious she shouldn't have to list it.
Neon/plastic.
Necklaces:
Yes:
Pendents.
Coins
Pearls
Statement
No:
Plastic
Chokers
Ribbon overkill
More than 2
Bangles/Bracelets:
Yes:
Bangles (coordinating or at least looking like they do)
Bracelets " "
No:
Plastic
Overkill
Charm anything we aren't 5 unless I say it's beautiful
Neon
Watches: Another thing I'm weird about. Nothing that has indiglo or atimer on it is going to be present so forget it. I will have the timeand will keep you informed so unless your watch is a piece of jewelryyou don't need it. Put a bangle on instead.
Rings: Yes yes yes.
Yes:
Statement
Cocktail
Class
Celebration
Vintage
No:
Mood
Chain
Forever 21
Wooden
Plastic
Additional Notes on Accessories:
I'm also weird about accessories. I'm not saying you have to be wearingthe Harry Winston wreath for me to like it, but I am saying I will nottolerate any gross plastic shizzz. Remember: less is more. I lovethings on wrists, and I demand earrings if your ears are pierced. She's all about always having her holes filled. However, as usual, use common sense--If you are wearing a statementnecklace, you can't wear "statement" earrings. Keep things coordinated,simple, pretty, and fashionable. Remember, if you don't know, ASK!That's what I'm here for!


---------------------------------------
HAIR, MAKEUP & HANDS.


MY FAVORITE. These are life lessons so read carefully.
Face: Your skin is your base. Your face is your starting point---Ifyour skin doesn't look good, nothing else will. Remember, no fuggies! Always remember that.So unless you are Chloe Hall or Carolyn Franco Am I supposed to know who these bitches are, or am I just old?, chances are you need todo something about your skin. I preferably like Tinted Moisturizer.
Yes:
Some kind of tinted moisturizer or light foundation.
Light cover up
Blush. This is not optional. So clown up yo faces, ladies!
Brows: make sure they look good. Get waxed!!!! Oh no, I just got mine threaded! What do I do??
No:
Caked on foundation
Dark blush or weird bronzer
Too obvious cover up. Just don't have blemishes at all. We don't want you.
Notes: You are young, so make yourself look like it. Fresh, pretty,feminine, cool = these are the code words. You don't need to pile onthe makeup, but you need to look like someone they'd die to hang outwith. If I ever say that I would die to hang out with someone, go ahead and kill me.
Lips: Another thing I'm weird about. If you haven't noticed, this Nazi is "weird" about everything. Oh, and weird = mean. You need to have color on your life. Otherwise you will look like ghost. Yes you will. Except for you Negroes. But not to worry, we won't be letting you in anyway.
Yes:
Lipstick: as long as it's pretty and young and soft.
Lipgloss: light, colorful, dewy
Moisturize moisturize moisturize!!! Nothing is uglier than cracked lips.
No:
Dark
Obvious liner Sorry, cholas, you're out.
Mustaches
Chapped lips
Eyes: This isn't Johnny O's people. Glitter/smoky eyes is nothappening. It's daytime, you eyes should defined and refined, less ismore.
Yes:
Liner
Mascara
Light shadow: champagnes, nudes, etc. Light pink looks surprisingly good on most people.
No:
Dark hues
Glitter
Sultry. It's noon people. And these are girls, not laxers. No need toseduce them with caked on black eye makeup. And if anyone likes to trythat, it's me, don't get me wrong. Just saying. Seriously though, girls go overboard too often with the raccoon eyes. Lil' Jenny Humphrey just looks skanky and cracked out.
Hair:
Clean
Cut
Out of your face
Freshly colored, if you get your hair colored.
Yes:
Half up half down
Chic, high ponytails
Down
No:
Weird accessories like plastic glittery butterflies. If you use a clip or bobby-pin make it simple, pretty, and understated.
Sloppy buns/ponytails
Nails: you best have a mani pedi when you get to Ithaca. The better to claw your eyes out with.
Wait. What about headbands? Blair Waldorf always rocks a headband. How am I supposed to know if it's permissible?

Additional Notes on Hair, Makeup & Nails:
Wear perfume
Wear deoderant
Get waxed, cut, colored and groomed!!!! Mani and pedi prior to Ithaca!!! Damn, we get it. Get your fucking nails did. But....press-ons? French tips? What are the no-no colors?? Guidance, woman, give me guidance!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Hypothetically Speaking


Let's imagine a scenario. Perhaps I hypothetically have a profile on a social network/dating website. Then let's pretend that someone called, oh how about "fitguy," sent me the following message even though this make-believe version of me has made it explicitly clear that he is not looking for a hook up: "whats up? how bigs ur cock? wanna fuck around?" Now imagine that I shared this with a friend of mine for a laugh, and he jokingly suggested I respond with a shocking message. This is the hypothetical response: "Bro I'm really bumming. My wife found out I scam on her with guys and she aborted our unborn baby to get back at me. Could really use some sympathy cock." Sadly and fictitiously fitguy did not reply.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Textual Intercourse


A friend sent me the above picture which prompted the following interaction:


me: if bitches could get double pregnant it would have happened a long time ago
hahaha then you could have a double abortion

brady: it would be a massacre

me: i'd get triple preg and then have an abortion so i could refer to the holocaust in my uterus
i'd nickname my ladyparts auschwitz
gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "bun in the oven'

brady: so if you have sex with the baby's father and he keeps getting the baby's baby pregnant in a loop, the final baby would be the most inbred creature.

me: good call
then it would finally pop out as sarah palin

brady: OMG
I almost wrote that

me: it is the most logical destination

Thank You For Being A Twat



I woke up this morning at 4:30 and luckily had the sense to write down the crazy shit I was dreaming. Let's begin. In the first one I was fighting against evil cylons. Caprica Six was on my side, but it was intense. They were throwing all sorts of bombs at us. Grenades, flashbombs and some kind of electrical blasts were going off all around us. Then we somehow figured out that their weakness was the blood of one of our comrades, George, the werewolf from Being Human. So naturally I bit his ear to the point it almost came off, and we used the blood to win the battle. Then I remember being at some party and seeing Madonna flirt with someone I knew to be the coach of the University of Michigan's football team. Who he actually is, I have no idea, but apparently he was there. Then I found myself in a dorm room with a bunch of old ladies, including Betty White. Betty was selling them drugs. I procured a glass ampule of something called tachycandia from her. Yeah, what the fuck? At some point, I realized I had a sewing needle in my hand, so of course I placed it in my tongue. Ages ago I had my tongue pierced, and I have a dream every now and then that it is that way again. It's usually a regular barbell though, not a sharp, tiny needle in my mouth. The last thing I remember is that I was playing with a bunch of kittens, but they were scratching the hell out of my hands. I think the cat dream was maybe due to the Laser Cat sketch on SNL last night. Fun fact: Betty White turns 88 today. Happy birthday, you lovely old bitch!


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"But I Done Seen It All Now"




Clearly this woman is my hero. I've looked up to her for years and written several clumsy childhood essays about why I admire her. This Bionic Stripper takes the mechanical cake. That shit is about to become self-aware and enslave humanity, eventually leading to one ground-breaking, fantastic movie and two mediocre follow-ups.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Lazy

It's a video-only kind of day here. Sorry, I just don't feel like doing any substantial writing. As if anything I post here is of substance. Here's another fun video instead.




And I know you're wondering who the attractive DJ is: he goes by Diplo.

Huh?

I can has nightmares?


Fucktales

I was chatting with someone yesterday, and Ducktales came up. I had mentioned something about going around town setting traps with candy for little children, but I wrote "time" instead of "town." Hence the topic of Ducktales arose. You know, how Scrooge McDuck traveled back in time to abduct a cavechild in order to molest him? Obviously Scrooge was into kids because that's why Launchpad wore pants, but all the children had none. Then this gem was brought to my attention, please enjoy:


Songs To Wake Up To

Friday, January 8, 2010

Woman of the Year




It's only January 8, and woman of the year is already set to go to this lovely old hag. She dukes it out old lady-style (with the mouth of a sailor against a bum. I can't even imagine what could top this tirade. She's the kind of old lady I want to be. Oh, did I mention that? I think it would be easier to be an old lady rather than an old man, so I figure I'll start going in drag around 70 or 75. I will need boobs though: long, pendulous ones that I can use to my advantage. According to Sophia Lamar, at least old ladies can trade a titty squeeze for some extra Jell-O in a retirement home. Hey, you do what you got to do!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Man Vs. Buttsex

Here is a video of Man Vs. Wild's Bear Grylls giving himself an enema. Because that's totally normal in the wild. Ancient Mayans spent all sorts of time giving themselves chocolate enemas. Oh that reminds me. My friend Lila once told me how there's a lady bum in San Francisco (I think) who's famous for giving wine enemas. It gets you really fucked up supposedly. Anyway, check out Bear Grylls doing himself in the butt. "And then once it's in, I guess all you do is lie back and think of England." That's what she said! Ba-dum-bump-chhh!

His face is priceless. Please, you know this ain't his first time at the ass rodeo, he's overreacting to pretend what a virgin he is. Trust, that shit is sloppy and loose.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Tallboy

One of the Youtube comments is "thank G-d he's wearing something over his head this time."

Machine Girl



I'm watching an awful and hilarious movie about a Japanese girl on a quest for revenge. It's your average over-the-top gore story where a crazy Yakuza wife batters and fries a poor girl's arm tempura-style. Naturally, she goes on a vendetta, and replaces her yummy arm with a machine gun. The movie is campy, ridiculous and fun. I was really enjoying the performance of a secondary character, so I figured I'd look her up to see if I might like anything else she's done. Her Wikipedia page says she's an AV Idol. What's that? Why, that would be "adult video" idol of course. Porn titles are funny to begin with, but they're even better when poorly translated into English! Here are some of her movies:




Old Romantic Eroticism of Sexy Maid, Lewd Lady and Pure School Girl


Girl Ninja Hot and Brave Story


Three Sisters Ninja Sex


Splash Girl, Whale Cow 05, 10 Girls Squirting Flood!


SOD Rape Hospital The Premium


Analize 3, Genuine Anal Virgin


43 Men Nakadashi Gang Rape






Oh yeah, there's a drill bra this one bitch uses to mash the main character's titties into pulp.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell




I'm only a year or so behind on finding out about this song, but it's better late than never.


"Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell" by Das Racist:








Apparently this song got a lot of publicity from people reviewing it sarcastically. Unfortunately for them, it truly is AMAZING.