|I KNOW YOU'RE HOME, ASSHOLE!|
The leases at my apartment building are for one year, and this is going to be a rough one. I was on the phone with my brother when I heard a knock at my door. I was expecting my dinner delivery, so I opened up without even looking through the peephole. Imagine my surprise when it's not the cute delivery boy but Shonda, my crazy downstairs lesbian neighbor. I held up a finger and said, "hold on just a minute." Then I ran into the other room and crazily whispered to my brother the situation. I thought maybe if I waited long enough, she'd just go away. He asked if my door was locked. FUCK, it wasn't. "Can I lock it super quietly?" I asked my brother. "NO! She'll know." He said to tell her this will be a while, indicating she should go the fuck away. I did that, but she just whispered, "do you have a egg?" Not AN egg, A egg. "Oh sure," I replied and ran to the fridge. I handed her one egg, and then for some reason asked "do you need just one?" She eyed my carton and said, "maybe two." So I gave the bitch TWO eggs. Then she whispered, "I'll come up and see you later if that's okay." I'm too much of a pussy to stand up and throw shade to a bitch's face, so I said, "oh yeah, whenever." FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I need to abort this relationship. I am not trying to see this dyke. This is going to be a long year.