Thursday, December 16, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I read in a funny Jew's blog recently that every Jew has a favorite Christmas song.  I thought, "bullshit."  I wracked my brain trying to think of Xmas songs, and I hated them all.  I don't mind Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," but it doesn't stick in my head.  Then I found it.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  What really irked me was that so many places had it listed without the comma in the title.  WRONG.  I love me some grammar, and I try to follow the rules unless it gets in the way of my style.  It's not technically a Christmas song, but it's now a traditional holiday number.  Perhaps the other reason I like it is that it is so fucked up.  Take a listen to the lyrics.  Here's a version that was recently on Glee:



Whaaaaat???  This song is about attempted acquaintance rape, and you know I like disturbing things.  Seriously though, it is wrong.  Apparently in the printed score, the male is referred to as "wolf" and the female "mouse."  Oh that's nice.  The guy in the song is horny and manipulative:


My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)


And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)



He goes on to say what a storm it is outside and that she's hurting his pride.  This followed by "don't hold out."  This dirty motherfucker.  Or how about this implied threat against her family?


My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)


My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about you brother)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)

 
What a lovely story this song tells.  I can just imagine how it ends up.  She stays with him, wooed by his greasy charm.  Mouse ends up sleeping with the Wolf under heavy influence of roofies.  As a result of this tryst, Mouse becomes pregnant.  In 1949, you don't just run out and get an abortion.  A proper young lady gets married.  So that's what Mouse does.  She starts an abusive marriage with this philandering man.  When  she is four months pregnant, Wolf pushes her down the stairs, causing a miscarriage.  Incensed at this tragedy, her sister, aunt, and brother show up at their door, which only serves to outrage Wolf even more.  He invites them into the parlor to discuss what really happened.  They all sit down over coffee, and Wolf attempts to soothe the troubled family.  Mouse serves the family, but Wolf doesn't touch his cup.  He also insists that she have none as it is "detrimental to her constitution."  It turns out, he poisoned the coffee, killing Mouse's family members.  Of course, she gets hysterical, you know how delicate women are.  So Wolf has to restrain her in the basement while he buries the bodies.  Eventually he comes down to see her.  With love in his eyes and a smile on his lips, he rapes her to death and eats her face.  What? He said her lips looked delicious.

It's That Time of Year Again

Happy Kwanzaa!