Baby, It's Cold Outside

I read in a funny Jew's blog recently that every Jew has a favorite Christmas song.  I thought, "bullshit."  I wracked my brain trying to think of Xmas songs, and I hated them all.  I don't mind Mariah Carey's version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," but it doesn't stick in my head.  Then I found it.  "Baby, It's Cold Outside."  What really irked me was that so many places had it listed without the comma in the title.  WRONG.  I love me some grammar, and I try to follow the rules unless it gets in the way of my style.  It's not technically a Christmas song, but it's now a traditional holiday number.  Perhaps the other reason I like it is that it is so fucked up.  Take a listen to the lyrics.  Here's a version that was recently on Glee:



Whaaaaat???  This song is about attempted acquaintance rape, and you know I like disturbing things.  Seriously though, it is wrong.  Apparently in the printed score, the male is referred to as "wolf" and the female "mouse."  Oh that's nice.  The guy in the song is horny and manipulative:


My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)


And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)



He goes on to say what a storm it is outside and that she's hurting his pride.  This followed by "don't hold out."  This dirty motherfucker.  Or how about this implied threat against her family?


My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)


My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about you brother)

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)

 
What a lovely story this song tells.  I can just imagine how it ends up.  She stays with him, wooed by his greasy charm.  Mouse ends up sleeping with the Wolf under heavy influence of roofies.  As a result of this tryst, Mouse becomes pregnant.  In 1949, you don't just run out and get an abortion.  A proper young lady gets married.  So that's what Mouse does.  She starts an abusive marriage with this philandering man.  When  she is four months pregnant, Wolf pushes her down the stairs, causing a miscarriage.  Incensed at this tragedy, her sister, aunt, and brother show up at their door, which only serves to outrage Wolf even more.  He invites them into the parlor to discuss what really happened.  They all sit down over coffee, and Wolf attempts to soothe the troubled family.  Mouse serves the family, but Wolf doesn't touch his cup.  He also insists that she have none as it is "detrimental to her constitution."  It turns out, he poisoned the coffee, killing Mouse's family members.  Of course, she gets hysterical, you know how delicate women are.  So Wolf has to restrain her in the basement while he buries the bodies.  Eventually he comes down to see her.  With love in his eyes and a smile on his lips, he rapes her to death and eats her face.  What? He said her lips looked delicious.

Today's Lesson

My tranny hooker boots!  My God!  I can't move my tranny hooker boots!

I am so embarrassed.  Somehow I never knew the true origin of the word "tranny."  It's a diminutive of transvestite, not transsexual.   Transvestism generally only implies crossdressing.  Transsexualism is simply when someone identifies with a gender other than his biological sex.  Maybe I did know this, but I've forgotten.  I'm having memories from a book that referred to transgendered people (fucking hell, don't even get me started on transgendered vs. transsexual; my fragile mind can't handle that right now) going through the transition as "transies."  That's a little advanced, and it just doesn't soothe my ears like TRANNY. 

What started this was GLAAD throwing a fit over a kid saying tranny in an episode of Glee.  The kids were to put on The Rocky Horror Show, and Mike Chang backed out of playing the "sweet transvestite" Frank 'N' Furter because his parents didn't want him "dressing up like a tranny."  GLAAD's Matt Kane commented that "unfortunately the larger problem here is that the word “tra**y” has become an easy punch line in popular culture, and many still don’t realize that using the term is hurtful, dehumanizing and associated with violence, hatred and derision."  First of all, if you're going to play grown up, use the real word.  If it is so polarizing, don't give it power by fearing to even write it.  "Tranny" is not Voldemort.  Secondly, I strongly believe that epithets can be used to highlight ignorance.  Okay, Mike Chang's parents don't want him to dress like a tranny.  Ha ha ha.  But what is that really saying?  It's showing that his parents are so closed-minded that to them, even playing the part of a tranny is unacceptable.  I don't really see anything wrong with referring to people as trannies.  If a female friend is wearing terrible makeup and a bad outfit, yes, I will tell her she looks like a tranny.  In an old episode of Glee, Finn says "fag" to Kurt, and it was a very powerful use of the word which emphasized Finn's own issues and insecurities.  Invectives can serve a higher purpose than just making us laugh.

What What WHAT?

I don't know how it's possible, but I somehow missed the new episode of Glee last week. I didn't realize it until the "previously on Glee" recap at the beginning of this week's episode. How did this even happen? I definitely remember setting it to record and being mildly interested that Eve was going to be a guest star. At this point, I'm pretty sure someone is working major voodoo on me. How else would I miss a performance by such a fantastic rapper/blacktress?

FIRST of all, my favorite phrase in the existence of language was used: CLOWN HOOKER! Score! It doesn't get much better than that.

Eve's choir group performs "Bootylicious," and it's a little insane. It begins with a personalized version of the intro: "Jaelle, can you handle this? Shanonda, can you handle this? Aphasia, can you handle this?" For those of you unfamiliar with it, I'd like to inform you that aphasia is an acquired language disorder cause by brain lesions. Remember Queens of Comedy? Adele Givens had a bit in her set about women giving their children names they can't live up to. She said something like "Champagne? More like a forty. And not a nice one. The kind of forty you bust on a curb to cut a bitch with." Here's this episode's version: "Loquacia? Stuttering bitch is more like Aphasia." That's highbrow comedy right there. "Bootylicious" is filled with "hairography": smoke and mirrors, or in this case, racism and the sexualization of supposed minors.

And an Asian girl playing keyboards with weave down to her knees.

Then there's the deaf choir. Yes, you read that right. This one isn't just a Happy Hands club like in Napoleon Dynamite. It had full on deaf singing. It's quite a sight/sound. It was supposed to be touching and heart-warming, but I couldn't help letting loose a few chuckles at first. Color me evil.

p.s. I just stumbled across Adele Given's MySpace page, and it's kind of amazing. Here's how I know: the first link I saw on Google was to a blog entry entitled "I dont be got no weave." Another tidbit: with all the updating how come so many people i know still have a bad weave?....please people...bring yaki back-i....or take it to the (bald) head cuz." Then puts the ghetto icing on the hood cake with "uh oh, gotta go, the real housewives of atlanta is on...lol."

Dancing Bears

I checked out the Glee pilot when it was previewed in May, and I loved it. I have to admit I teared up a little at the end when they sang "Don't Stop Believing." I was worried that it wouldn't find an audience, but it seems people have really embraced the show. I'm happy for it, even though there are rumors that the people responsible for the show had to pull a little ponzi scheme or something just to get it to air. Whatevs, like you haven't ever turned a trick in a men's bathroom for a sawbuck. Or super-sized fries back when they were available. Anyslut, the plots are stupid, and only serve as devices to have the musical sequences, which are great. Who cares what the excuse is to have a full-on window-smashing number to "Bust Your Windows" by a big black girl? It could be a Nazi parade ode to Hitler, and I'd still love the music.

Matthew Morrison is adorable, even if he overdoes it with his trademark rapey smirk. I don't know about you, but I'd shut up and let it happen. Do you think it would turn off a hardcore rapist if you were SUPER into it? "I love you so much. I want your babies. I can't wait for my parents to meet you. Let's get a minivan."

Other than the window busting song, my favorite was when the pregnant cheerleader sings. Here's a cover of it:




Here's a warning though: if you're not sick of hearing Beyonce's "Single Ladies" yet, episode four will convince you it is the soundtrack that plays on a loop in Hell.

Also, here's a random piece of trivia for Arrested Development fans out there. The principal of the high school is played by the actor who portrayed Nazhgalia, the unbelievably ugly girl GOB sleeps with thinking it will hurt Michael.