Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Let's Talk About Reading: Three Musketeers


I had the extreme misfortune of seeing the Three Musketeers this past weekend.  Brady and I decided to go because we thought it could be some mindless action fun.  And I'm a sucker for Milla Jovovich.  A hot bitch running around doing flips and spins and kicks and swordfighting all in ridiculous old school fashions sounded appealing to me. 

It was a hot ass mess.  And not in a good way.  Sometimes you can watch something ridiculous and still be entertained, but this was punishment.  Random question: why are they called musketeers if they don't even use guns?  Anyway, first of all, have some consistency.  Everyone seems to have a different accent.  French, Italian, English, all bets were off.  For some reason Milla spoke the way she does in the Resident Evil movies or Ultraviolet.  It was so out of place.  She was also a villain.  Which would have been fine, but I was expecting her to be a good guy!  Or at least redeem herself.  Nope.  She was just an unlikable bitch who fucked everyone over for no reason. 

This movie honestly isn't worth much a review, so I'm going to be brief.  The acting was terrible, no surprise there.  TM tried to walk a line between serious action and camp.  It should have picked one or the other.  As it is, it's a mish mash of unfunny lines with absurd fighting sequences.  All the male characters pretty much look alike.  They had to give one villain an eyepatch just so we can distinguish him.  Orlando Bloom looks a little different, like he's trying to pump a 1600s English duke version of Jack Sparrow.  It was rough.  His look was sloppy.  He looked like a shitty faggot on Halloween.  Don't try it, queens, or Sophia Lamar will destroy you.  Milla had some cute outfits, but they kept giving her these oversized hoods that served NO purpose other than to look ridiculous.  At one point when she and Orlando Bloom are about to get it on, he rips off her delicate, sheer flowered hood, and all I could imagine was him saying "girl, that hood is HIDEOUS!"  Then there was d'Artagnan.  This hot little twink (MAYBE 5'8") was written horribly of course, but he was fun to look at.  The only problem was the absurd wig they put him in.  Seriously, it's a Liz Lemon wig.  It was honestly distracting.



Speaking of wigs.  Whatever they had going on with the ginger King Louis XIII was weird.  They tried to make him a lovable fop, but it was clumsy and forced.  Gingers have odd facial hair too, no offense to my ginger friends (wait, do I have any of those?).  They styled his wig just like Geena Davis in A League of Their Own, so I had to laugh every time I saw him.



All in all, if I wouldn't have had Brady there to ridicule the movie with me, I would have walked out.  I did develop contempt for everyone else watching the movie.  People were genuinely laughing at all the "jokes" and stupid slapstick peppered through the movie.  OMG a bird shat on that guy's head!  When the sheep would laugh, Brady and I would look around in wonder and then look at each other as if to say, these bitches disgust me. 

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