For the Paris Hilton in Your Life

Is your pusspuss stretched out? Is it sick and tired of having so many visitors? Do babies just fall right out of your vajayjay? When guys bone you, do they tell you it's like sticking their dick in a bowl of oatmeal? Worry no more! This is the miracle product for you!

I got to work this morning and found that my boss had done a lot of cleaning of the random crap we have lying around. Among this crap, I noticed this box:



Here's a close-up of the text:



While it's not entirely inappropriate to have in our office, it's not every day one sees such a gem.

Yes, that's right! "Training weights" as in your vag is going to participate in the Iron Man triathlon. Like it really needs to bulk up in preparation. I HAD to inspect, so I threw on a pair of gloves. The small box was accompanied by several larger packages that I found were kegel kits. This small box must be the floor model so to speak. Each kit also comes with a VHS tape to show you how to use the cones. What cones, you say? These cones:


I put a pen cap down to give you an idea of the size, CSI forensic-style. I couldn't find a ruler. Each cone has a plastic string attached, I assume to ensure it doesn't get lost forever in the black hole that is your loose meat wallet.


(imagine viewing it closed from the top)

The individual weights really are each a different weight! So you can work your way up to the hardcore levels. Go for the gold! Get your personal best. Once you've mastered the hardest level, I suggest attaching other things to the end of the string and lifting objects of varying weights: cutlery, blocks of cheese, precious moments curios, puppies, the neighbor's child. Go for it! Your goal should be to be able to squeeze off the penis of any intruder. It will render rape whistles unnecessary. This will be *rape surprise*! Twat of steel.