Meet Ms. Lucy Fur

One thing I like to do in my brief down time at work is find the perfect picture in office magazines to alter into a frightening creation from my nightmares. And yes, I realize that the title is probably the name of a million grotsky burlesque dancers and drag queens, but I'm not bothering to Google it since I'd rather imagine I'm the first person to think of it. This is Lucy Fur before her makeover:

And Lucy Fur afterward:

In Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was just chilling by myself, sitting on a stoop somewhere.  A woman and her young daughter came along, and the little girl just up and sat on my lap.  The first thing I noticed was that she had a cat nose and patches of blue fur on her face.  Oh, and whiskers.  I was nice to her and asked her what her name was (I don't remember) and how old she was.  She said she was seven, and I commented on her fur.  She seemed a little embarrassed at first, and her mother said it's something they don't really like to talk about.  I told the girl that I thought her fur was really cute, and I wish I had some.  She giggled, and then I woke up.  I have a general rule about kids:  I hate them.  They annoy me to no end when I encounter them in the wild.  I run away from them like a level 5 mage stumbling across a full grown Adamantoise.  I avoid them like the plague if I see them in public.  Now I think perhaps I make such a fuss because I'm scared I'll never have any kids.  I'll certainly never be knocking any broads up; and right about now, there's no prospect of a partner with whom to rear a child.  I have a friend who in pre-dating stages, found out that the guy in interest wants a kid by the time he's 30, whether he's with someone or not.  Is it just me, or do you not tell people that?  I imagine a woman telling a man (she's never even met yet) that she wants a baby within three years, and I see him heading for the hills.  And with us it's different.  We can't just trick a guy into getting us pregnant if we're desperate.  We have to go through lengthy adoption processes (if you're even allowed to, depending on what state you're in) or deal with surrogacy.  Buying a bitch's baby is EXPENSIVE.  And then she can always back out until the little bastard is born.  I have friends who already have small children.  I can't imagine caring for a child at this stage of my life.  I admit that I really want to, but not for another ten years or so.  Until I feel like I'm in a better place in my life (and hopefully with a man who has Oprah money), I'll continue the charade that I abhor children.  Nasty little things.  Twat vomit and crotch fruit, the lot of them.

Somewhat Fantastic

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Parenting

Yesterday I was at a meeting I like to go to on Sundays and there are several people who regularly bring their kids. It's not technically against any rules to bring children, and they usually don't bother me. Yesterday was the exception. They sat right in front of me playing gameboy. Loudly. The kid playing had headphones in. This prevented annoying game noises, but it made the kid talk all the louder because he couldn't hear himself. His mom started off nicely asking him to keep it down when he would say something out loud. But this was happening every 45 seconds, so she got pissed quickly. She threatened to take away the gameboy if he didn't keep quiet, but he called her bluff. If you're going to threaten your kids, mean what you say and follow through. Don't tell them you'll beat them like mixed-race stepchildren unless you actually will. She just smacked his leg when he got loud, apparently not wanting him to cause even more of a scene if she took away the game. Then you have to be prepared to snatch that shit right out of his hands, pick his crying ass up when he starts wailing, and take the little fucker outside. If you're considering having children, ask yourself this: '"Am I prepared to carry out whatever threats I make, regardless of the public shame and embarrassment?"

There was one thing that could have saved the situation: whispering. I've found that some people just don't fucking know how to do it. I don't get it. Are they incapable of it? Were they not taught by their parents? My brother doesn't know how to whisper. I like to talk through movies, but when I see one with Charlie, I try not to whisper anything, because I know the response will be in full volume attracting ire from all around us.

Today's lesson: whup a kid's ass if he steps out of line and teach the bastard how to whisper.