Textual Intercourse: Afternoon Delight Edition

I have a new coworker. I was discussing this with Lila. . .


Me: do you have any coworkers you can't stand? oh yeah, maybe not something you want to write about while at work. oops
Lila: haha yes, i have coworkers I can't stand
not too many though, but especially my boss' husband, who comes in early and watches porn on his computer
we saw him doing it once
creep
Me: hahahahaha
that is fantastic. i did that at my old job! i'd have to be there until 8 or 9 pm sometimes to get subjects ready for sleep studies....so i'd watch youtube and porn to kill time
but i was there alone
me: i don't really like the new girl who started a couple weeks ago
Lila: tell me more...
me: she's 6 ft tall and fat
but that's not why i dislike her
Lila: HUGE!
haha
you just don't like her cause she could probably sit on you and kill you...
me: and our other coworker insists she smells narsty
i mean that's definitely a factor
i haven't smelled it much, but we think it might be her hair
fuckin white people
so she's all super sweet about everything & trying to make a good impression
and i'm trying to get through to her.
by "get through" i mean break her spirit
i'm being overly mean to get her to snap

me: i want to see her do something other than be nice

Lila: hahahaaaa

me: i want to know she'll stand up for herself

Lila: like, talk some shit

break something

me: and blame her!

Lila: manipulate the other employees...haha, yeah, blame her for something

then be like, "JUST KIDDING! but seriously, go wash your hair."

me: it'll be like I'm Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom and she's Mink Stole.

"She just said 'motherfucker' to me!"

Lila: haaa

me: don't just roll over and take it bitch!

Lila: put her stapler in some jell-o

me: i want to instruct her to do something blatantly wrong and see if she has the sheballs to tell

me what's up or just bitch to the other girl

me: or maybe i'll just hide some fish in her office to rot

Lila: haha

wow, i hope my fellow employees like me!

me: i've been dropping hair hints though

Lila: does everyone like YOU?

i would think so

me: yeah, everyone's nice to my face at least. if there's gossip, it doesn't get back to me

and gossip ALWAYS gets back to people in a small business

it helps that my aunt owns the shit and LOVES firing people

me: today i was like "don't you just love getting your hair cut? the shampoo they use is just fantastic!"

Lila: haha

Then we started talking about getting dogs:

me: my stylist was "Sharinethenia" or something crazy

. . .

Lila: when I get a dog, I should name it something like that

. . .

Lila: haha

what kind of dog?

I'm going to get a wolf

me: i don't know.

i take care of my aunt's dog when she goes out of town and he's awesome.

he's a japanese chin.

then i could add racial slurs too

a wolf? nice

Lila: tots

me: or shin i think

anyway they're crazy and cute. maybe a little brain damaged, but whatevs

i could make jokes about how terrible his teeth are

and fashion a little kimono

me: and threaten to nuke him if he poos in the house

his play pen will look like an internment camp, rubber barbed wire & errythang