. . .

Two days ago I had another strange dream. I was living in an orphanage with my mother. She looked just like my real mother, but in this case she was a little person and my adoptive mother. All the other kids were also little people, but I was my regular size. For some reason, everyone was dressed in brilliant shades of indigo and cerulean. The kids were all singing an unfamiliar song in a language I couldn't understand, and there were subtitles in my dream which I couldn't read. My mother was in a rocking chair, holding me in her lap. I was sobbing and telling her how much I loved her and how grateful I was that she had adopted me. I think it's a guilt dream. My brother and I keep having to postpone visiting our mother, and it's been a while since I've seen her. Well technically she visited me in June, but I was knocked the fuck out from leg surgery and so loopy that I don't remember any of it. We've been talking a lot more recently, which pleases me. I always worry that I won't have anything to say or report to her, but I've found a fool-proof topic: cooking. I have her to thank for my interest in cooking, and I've realized there's always bonding to be done over variations on hollandaise sauce.

Swollen. . . Turgid. . . Tumescent?

Since the last time I posted about the gay fantasy books I planned on reading, I've finished the trilogy. I have mixed feelings about the Kirby Crow Scarlet and the White Wolf series. The overall story was interesting enough to keep me reading but certainly not riveting. I recommend them as good shit books. Keep them by your toilet to peruse while you relieve yourself. What's it called when you masturbate while taking a dump? I'm sure there's a word for it. The sexual tension between the main characters in the first book was drawn out and well played. Their love is almost believable. It made more sense than the Twilight books, and I guess that's good enough for me. They didn't have sex until the second book, and I thought it would be a hot reward after waiting so long, but it was awkward. Previous encounters mentioned noticing someone's rigid "sex," "members" other such typical romance book language that attempts to validate erotica. When the time came for Scarlet and his wolf (not a literal wolf, thank you, that's a whole nother genre) to. . . consummate their relationship, bitch brought it to the gutter. She busted out words like "cock" and "cum." I felt disappointed that she remained classy for so long only fall right into cock talk. Not that it wasn't hot, it just wasn't cohesive to how the rest of the story was told. I only had a couple other problems with the books. First of all, there were contradictions in descriptions everywhere. One sentence a man looks nothing like his evil brother, then two sentences later they bear a striking resemblance that is uncanny. I blame the editor. Then Ms. Crow (yes, miss. it may surprise you to know that the majority of gay romance and yaoi authors are female) nuked the motherfucking fridge. She went straight up Anne Heche-Celestia and threw in an alien twist at the end. Why? Why did you have to do that? Isn't it enough that a giant Viking king is fucking a magical elf?

Doodoo 4

Doodoo 3

Doodoo 2

Hannukah Cake

My contribution to our holiday dinner was preparing a dessert with my cousin. We decided to make a chocolate almond cake from a Julia Child recipe. We doubled it so we could stack them. Here's the recipe:

REINE DE SABA (Chocolate and Almond Cake)CAKE:

1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
1 1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoon granulated sugar
6 large eggs, separated
2 pinches salt
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, melted with 4 tablespoons brewed coffee
2/3 cup finely pulverized (ground) almonds
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
1 1/2 cups sifted cake flour, returned to sifter

CHOCOLATE BUTTER ICING:2 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
2 tablespoons brewed coffee
6 tablespoons unsalted butter


Instead of buttering and flouring a cake pan, use parchment paper. Just line two 8-inch diameter cake pans that are at least 1 1/2 inches deep with the paper. This will make your life so much easier. I am never greasing a damn pan again. Martha Stewart would be proud. In a 3-quart mixing bowl, cream butter and 1 1/3 cups sugar together with an electric mixture for several minutes until mixture is fluffy and pale yellow. Beat in egg yolks until well blended. Beat egg whites and pinch of salt in medium bowl until soft peaks form. Add remaining 2 tablespoon sugar and beat until stiff peaks form. Fold chocolate mixture into butter-sugar mixture, then stir in almonds and almond extract. Alternate folding in a portion of the egg whites and sifting some of the flour in until they're all together. Turn batter into prepared cake pan and bake on middle rack of a preheated 350-degree oven, about 25 minutes or until cake has puffed and 2 1/2 to 3 inches around the circumference are set so that a cake tester in that area comes out clean. That's how long the recipe says to bake it, but ours was done in more like 15 minutes. Julia says to melt the chocolate in a bowl over a pot of simmering water, but eff that noise. Pop that shit in the microwave. No problem. We actually ran out of chocolate, but as it happened, our G-Ma (we were cooking at her house) had some 20-year-old Hannukah gelt, so we mixed in what we needed. Beat butter into chocolate, a tablespoon at a time. Place the icing in the fridge to set up a little for spreading consistency.

We actually made a different icing for the center layer between the two cakes. This is it:

2 cups powdered sugar

1/2 stick softened butter

2 tbsp brewed coffee

1 tsp almond extract

1/8 tsp salt

1 tsp cocoa, sweetened or not, whatever.

Just mix the shit together, and it will be ready for the middle layer.

Spread the middle icing on top of one cake, place the other cake on top, and trim the edges if you think it will make icing it easier. Spread the chocolate icing all over. We then placed sliced almonds all around the outside of the cake before placing it in the fridge to set. Leave it out for maybe an hour at room temp before serving. I individually placed the slices on the cake, while my cousin sort of threw them at the cake. The picture at the top of the post is my side, and the one below is hers. It looked. . . special, and certainly tasted no less delicious!

Happy Jesus Day

The Christmas texts have already begun. I got one from an ex that at least seems personalized. Although it's possible, and funny to imagine, he's probably not calling his mother handsome. Then I got a "Merry X-Mas" graphic mass text that was FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:RE:FWD:FWD from an old booty call. Don't you wish you could remove your number from other people's phones? Anyway, my gift to you is this picture of a little chocolatier's caterpillar arm:

Good Morning

I left my brother a little present on his car this morning:

Brittany Murphy Is, Like, Totes Dead

Update: no more "probs," this is for realsies :(


It's not confirmed, but TMZ is reporting that Brittany Murphy is deadles. She supposedly went into cardiac arrest this morning. You know what that means--DRUGS! Oooooh now the waiting game begins. What was she on! Okay, I'm guessing cocaine, meth, & probably a few prescription drugs for good measure. This is so weird! This morning I was watching that movie Spun, where she plays a meth-faced crack whore. Odd coincidence.

One More Thing

It hit me this morning that I left out a funny part of my hooker story. I don't know how it came up, but the question of whether or not Celeste was employed with male hookers arised. She said that she worked with a very pretty guy who dresses in women's clothing, and she could have him come over. Look, I'm all about a tranny. I love you, ladymen, but just not that way. Thanks, but no thanks.