Man Vs. Buttsex

Here is a video of Man Vs. Wild's Bear Grylls giving himself an enema. Because that's totally normal in the wild. Ancient Mayans spent all sorts of time giving themselves chocolate enemas. Oh that reminds me. My friend Lila once told me how there's a lady bum in San Francisco (I think) who's famous for giving wine enemas. It gets you really fucked up supposedly. Anyway, check out Bear Grylls doing himself in the butt. "And then once it's in, I guess all you do is lie back and think of England." That's what she said! Ba-dum-bump-chhh!

His face is priceless. Please, you know this ain't his first time at the ass rodeo, he's overreacting to pretend what a virgin he is. Trust, that shit is sloppy and loose.

Tallboy

One of the Youtube comments is "thank G-d he's wearing something over his head this time."

Machine Girl

I'm watching an awful and hilarious movie about a Japanese girl on a quest for revenge. It's your average over-the-top gore story where a crazy Yakuza wife batters and fries a poor girl's arm tempura-style. Naturally, she goes on a vendetta, and replaces her yummy arm with a machine gun. The movie is campy, ridiculous and fun. I was really enjoying the performance of a secondary character, so I figured I'd look her up to see if I might like anything else she's done. Her Wikipedia page says she's an AV Idol. What's that? Why, that would be "adult video" idol of course. Porn titles are funny to begin with, but they're even better when poorly translated into English! Here are some of her movies:

Old Romantic Eroticism of Sexy Maid, Lewd Lady and Pure School Girl

Girl Ninja Hot and Brave Story

Three Sisters Ninja Sex

Splash Girl, Whale Cow 05, 10 Girls Squirting Flood!

SOD Rape Hospital The Premium

Analize 3, Genuine Anal Virgin

43 Men Nakadashi Gang Rape

Oh yeah, there's a drill bra this one bitch uses to mash the main character's titties into pulp.

Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell

I'm only a year or so behind on finding out about this song, but it's better late than never.

"Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell" by Das Racist:

http://songza.fm/~u13uuj

Apparently this song got a lot of publicity from people reviewing it sarcastically. Unfortunately for them, it truly is AMAZING.

Eeek! A Penis!

Again maybe? I feel like I've already titled a post with this, but oh well. Here's a lovely little picture I came across today:



And for those out there who doubt Taylor Lautner's possible GAYGAYGAYness, watch:

Top 50 Tracks of 2009

Every year my friend djm compiles a list of his favorite songs of the year. Usually I've never heard of most of them, but I'm proud to say I already have a fair portion of these. I guess I'm hipper than last year? He always helps me discover new songs/artists, so check it out!

50. Better Off As Two - FrankMusik [note: I think the original mix of "Confusion Girl" beats this]

49. Boys & Girls (feat. Dragonette) - Martin Solveig

48. Walkabout (w/ Noah Lennox) - Atlas Sound

47. White Jetta - Casiotone For The Painfully Alone

46. Feel It All Around - Washed Out

45. Change of Heart - El Perro del Mar

44. Swing Tree - Discovery

43. Dancers - Circlesquare

42. Bad Romance - Lady GaGa

41. Blinking Pigs - Little Dragon

40. This Love Is Fucking Right - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

39. Daniel - Bat For Lashes

38. If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray

37. It's What I Want (feat. Svein & Torbjorn) - Röyksopp

36. Goodbye Horses - Fan Death

35. Actor Out Of Work - St. Vincent

34. Who Can Say - The Horrors

33. Skeleton Boy - Friendly Fires

32. She Wolf - Shakira [note: seriously, fuck this Shakira singing in English business. Download "Loba," the Spanish version instead]

31. I'm Not Your Toy - La Roux

30. Love Long Distance - Gossip

29. Seven - Fever Ray

28. A Better Love - El Perro del Mar

27. Young Adult Friction - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

26. Daylight - Matt & Kim

25. Magic - Ladyhawke

24. Bits & Pieces - Junior Boys

23. Little Secrets - Passion Pit

22. New in Town - Little Boots

21. The Girl And The Robot (feat. Robyn) - Röyksopp

20. Die Slow - HEALTH

19. Mirrorball - Crayon Fields

18. Heart Skipped A Beat - The XX

17. My Step - Little Dragon

16. Royal Ruffian (Steed Lord Club Mix) - Steed Lord

15. Solid Gold - The Golden Filter

14. Whole New Way - The Horrors

13. Heavy Cross - Gossip

12. Lose You - Peaches

11. Pearl's Dream - Bat For Lashes

10. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

09. Isabella - Teenagersintokyo

08. Dominos - The Big Pink

07. You Don't Have A Clue (feat. Anneli Drecker) - Röyksopp

06. I Am Not A Robot - Marina and the Diamonds

05. I Won't Kneel - Groove Armada

04. Into The Clouds - The Sound of Arrows

03. In For The Kill - La Roux

02. 1901 - Phoenix

01. Bulletproof - La Roux

Doodoo 5

. . .

Two days ago I had another strange dream. I was living in an orphanage with my mother. She looked just like my real mother, but in this case she was a little person and my adoptive mother. All the other kids were also little people, but I was my regular size. For some reason, everyone was dressed in brilliant shades of indigo and cerulean. The kids were all singing an unfamiliar song in a language I couldn't understand, and there were subtitles in my dream which I couldn't read. My mother was in a rocking chair, holding me in her lap. I was sobbing and telling her how much I loved her and how grateful I was that she had adopted me. I think it's a guilt dream. My brother and I keep having to postpone visiting our mother, and it's been a while since I've seen her. Well technically she visited me in June, but I was knocked the fuck out from leg surgery and so loopy that I don't remember any of it. We've been talking a lot more recently, which pleases me. I always worry that I won't have anything to say or report to her, but I've found a fool-proof topic: cooking. I have her to thank for my interest in cooking, and I've realized there's always bonding to be done over variations on hollandaise sauce.

Swollen. . . Turgid. . . Tumescent?

Since the last time I posted about the gay fantasy books I planned on reading, I've finished the trilogy. I have mixed feelings about the Kirby Crow Scarlet and the White Wolf series. The overall story was interesting enough to keep me reading but certainly not riveting. I recommend them as good shit books. Keep them by your toilet to peruse while you relieve yourself. What's it called when you masturbate while taking a dump? I'm sure there's a word for it. The sexual tension between the main characters in the first book was drawn out and well played. Their love is almost believable. It made more sense than the Twilight books, and I guess that's good enough for me. They didn't have sex until the second book, and I thought it would be a hot reward after waiting so long, but it was awkward. Previous encounters mentioned noticing someone's rigid "sex," "members" other such typical romance book language that attempts to validate erotica. When the time came for Scarlet and his wolf (not a literal wolf, thank you, that's a whole nother genre) to. . . consummate their relationship, bitch brought it to the gutter. She busted out words like "cock" and "cum." I felt disappointed that she remained classy for so long only fall right into cock talk. Not that it wasn't hot, it just wasn't cohesive to how the rest of the story was told. I only had a couple other problems with the books. First of all, there were contradictions in descriptions everywhere. One sentence a man looks nothing like his evil brother, then two sentences later they bear a striking resemblance that is uncanny. I blame the editor. Then Ms. Crow (yes, miss. it may surprise you to know that the majority of gay romance and yaoi authors are female) nuked the motherfucking fridge. She went straight up Anne Heche-Celestia and threw in an alien twist at the end. Why? Why did you have to do that? Isn't it enough that a giant Viking king is fucking a magical elf?

Doodoo 4