Fucktales

I was chatting with someone yesterday, and Ducktales came up. I had mentioned something about going around town setting traps with candy for little children, but I wrote "time" instead of "town." Hence the topic of Ducktales arose. You know, how Scrooge McDuck traveled back in time to abduct a cavechild in order to molest him? Obviously Scrooge was into kids because that's why Launchpad wore pants, but all the children had none. Then this gem was brought to my attention, please enjoy:

Songs To Wake Up To

Woman of the Year

It's only January 8, and woman of the year is already set to go to this lovely old hag. She dukes it out old lady-style (with the mouth of a sailor against a bum. I can't even imagine what could top this tirade. She's the kind of old lady I want to be. Oh, did I mention that? I think it would be easier to be an old lady rather than an old man, so I figure I'll start going in drag around 70 or 75. I will need boobs though: long, pendulous ones that I can use to my advantage. According to Sophia Lamar, at least old ladies can trade a titty squeeze for some extra Jell-O in a retirement home. Hey, you do what you got to do!

Man Vs. Buttsex

Here is a video of Man Vs. Wild's Bear Grylls giving himself an enema. Because that's totally normal in the wild. Ancient Mayans spent all sorts of time giving themselves chocolate enemas. Oh that reminds me. My friend Lila once told me how there's a lady bum in San Francisco (I think) who's famous for giving wine enemas. It gets you really fucked up supposedly. Anyway, check out Bear Grylls doing himself in the butt. "And then once it's in, I guess all you do is lie back and think of England." That's what she said! Ba-dum-bump-chhh!

His face is priceless. Please, you know this ain't his first time at the ass rodeo, he's overreacting to pretend what a virgin he is. Trust, that shit is sloppy and loose.

Tallboy

One of the Youtube comments is "thank G-d he's wearing something over his head this time."

Machine Girl

I'm watching an awful and hilarious movie about a Japanese girl on a quest for revenge. It's your average over-the-top gore story where a crazy Yakuza wife batters and fries a poor girl's arm tempura-style. Naturally, she goes on a vendetta, and replaces her yummy arm with a machine gun. The movie is campy, ridiculous and fun. I was really enjoying the performance of a secondary character, so I figured I'd look her up to see if I might like anything else she's done. Her Wikipedia page says she's an AV Idol. What's that? Why, that would be "adult video" idol of course. Porn titles are funny to begin with, but they're even better when poorly translated into English! Here are some of her movies:

Old Romantic Eroticism of Sexy Maid, Lewd Lady and Pure School Girl

Girl Ninja Hot and Brave Story

Three Sisters Ninja Sex

Splash Girl, Whale Cow 05, 10 Girls Squirting Flood!

SOD Rape Hospital The Premium

Analize 3, Genuine Anal Virgin

43 Men Nakadashi Gang Rape

Oh yeah, there's a drill bra this one bitch uses to mash the main character's titties into pulp.

Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell

I'm only a year or so behind on finding out about this song, but it's better late than never.

"Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell" by Das Racist:

http://songza.fm/~u13uuj

Apparently this song got a lot of publicity from people reviewing it sarcastically. Unfortunately for them, it truly is AMAZING.

Eeek! A Penis!

Again maybe? I feel like I've already titled a post with this, but oh well. Here's a lovely little picture I came across today:



And for those out there who doubt Taylor Lautner's possible GAYGAYGAYness, watch:

Top 50 Tracks of 2009

Every year my friend djm compiles a list of his favorite songs of the year. Usually I've never heard of most of them, but I'm proud to say I already have a fair portion of these. I guess I'm hipper than last year? He always helps me discover new songs/artists, so check it out!

50. Better Off As Two - FrankMusik [note: I think the original mix of "Confusion Girl" beats this]

49. Boys & Girls (feat. Dragonette) - Martin Solveig

48. Walkabout (w/ Noah Lennox) - Atlas Sound

47. White Jetta - Casiotone For The Painfully Alone

46. Feel It All Around - Washed Out

45. Change of Heart - El Perro del Mar

44. Swing Tree - Discovery

43. Dancers - Circlesquare

42. Bad Romance - Lady GaGa

41. Blinking Pigs - Little Dragon

40. This Love Is Fucking Right - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

39. Daniel - Bat For Lashes

38. If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray

37. It's What I Want (feat. Svein & Torbjorn) - Röyksopp

36. Goodbye Horses - Fan Death

35. Actor Out Of Work - St. Vincent

34. Who Can Say - The Horrors

33. Skeleton Boy - Friendly Fires

32. She Wolf - Shakira [note: seriously, fuck this Shakira singing in English business. Download "Loba," the Spanish version instead]

31. I'm Not Your Toy - La Roux

30. Love Long Distance - Gossip

29. Seven - Fever Ray

28. A Better Love - El Perro del Mar

27. Young Adult Friction - The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

26. Daylight - Matt & Kim

25. Magic - Ladyhawke

24. Bits & Pieces - Junior Boys

23. Little Secrets - Passion Pit

22. New in Town - Little Boots

21. The Girl And The Robot (feat. Robyn) - Röyksopp

20. Die Slow - HEALTH

19. Mirrorball - Crayon Fields

18. Heart Skipped A Beat - The XX

17. My Step - Little Dragon

16. Royal Ruffian (Steed Lord Club Mix) - Steed Lord

15. Solid Gold - The Golden Filter

14. Whole New Way - The Horrors

13. Heavy Cross - Gossip

12. Lose You - Peaches

11. Pearl's Dream - Bat For Lashes

10. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

09. Isabella - Teenagersintokyo

08. Dominos - The Big Pink

07. You Don't Have A Clue (feat. Anneli Drecker) - Röyksopp

06. I Am Not A Robot - Marina and the Diamonds

05. I Won't Kneel - Groove Armada

04. Into The Clouds - The Sound of Arrows

03. In For The Kill - La Roux

02. 1901 - Phoenix

01. Bulletproof - La Roux

Doodoo 5