"But I Done Seen It All Now"

Clearly this woman is my hero. I've looked up to her for years and written several clumsy childhood essays about why I admire her. This Bionic Stripper takes the mechanical cake. That shit is about to become self-aware and enslave humanity, eventually leading to one ground-breaking, fantastic movie and two mediocre follow-ups.

Lazy

It's a video-only kind of day here. Sorry, I just don't feel like doing any substantial writing. As if anything I post here is of substance. Here's another fun video instead.




And I know you're wondering who the attractive DJ is: he goes by Diplo.

Huh?

I can has nightmares?

Fucktales

I was chatting with someone yesterday, and Ducktales came up. I had mentioned something about going around town setting traps with candy for little children, but I wrote "time" instead of "town." Hence the topic of Ducktales arose. You know, how Scrooge McDuck traveled back in time to abduct a cavechild in order to molest him? Obviously Scrooge was into kids because that's why Launchpad wore pants, but all the children had none. Then this gem was brought to my attention, please enjoy:

Songs To Wake Up To

Woman of the Year

It's only January 8, and woman of the year is already set to go to this lovely old hag. She dukes it out old lady-style (with the mouth of a sailor against a bum. I can't even imagine what could top this tirade. She's the kind of old lady I want to be. Oh, did I mention that? I think it would be easier to be an old lady rather than an old man, so I figure I'll start going in drag around 70 or 75. I will need boobs though: long, pendulous ones that I can use to my advantage. According to Sophia Lamar, at least old ladies can trade a titty squeeze for some extra Jell-O in a retirement home. Hey, you do what you got to do!

Man Vs. Buttsex

Here is a video of Man Vs. Wild's Bear Grylls giving himself an enema. Because that's totally normal in the wild. Ancient Mayans spent all sorts of time giving themselves chocolate enemas. Oh that reminds me. My friend Lila once told me how there's a lady bum in San Francisco (I think) who's famous for giving wine enemas. It gets you really fucked up supposedly. Anyway, check out Bear Grylls doing himself in the butt. "And then once it's in, I guess all you do is lie back and think of England." That's what she said! Ba-dum-bump-chhh!

His face is priceless. Please, you know this ain't his first time at the ass rodeo, he's overreacting to pretend what a virgin he is. Trust, that shit is sloppy and loose.

Tallboy

One of the Youtube comments is "thank G-d he's wearing something over his head this time."

Machine Girl

I'm watching an awful and hilarious movie about a Japanese girl on a quest for revenge. It's your average over-the-top gore story where a crazy Yakuza wife batters and fries a poor girl's arm tempura-style. Naturally, she goes on a vendetta, and replaces her yummy arm with a machine gun. The movie is campy, ridiculous and fun. I was really enjoying the performance of a secondary character, so I figured I'd look her up to see if I might like anything else she's done. Her Wikipedia page says she's an AV Idol. What's that? Why, that would be "adult video" idol of course. Porn titles are funny to begin with, but they're even better when poorly translated into English! Here are some of her movies:

Old Romantic Eroticism of Sexy Maid, Lewd Lady and Pure School Girl

Girl Ninja Hot and Brave Story

Three Sisters Ninja Sex

Splash Girl, Whale Cow 05, 10 Girls Squirting Flood!

SOD Rape Hospital The Premium

Analize 3, Genuine Anal Virgin

43 Men Nakadashi Gang Rape

Oh yeah, there's a drill bra this one bitch uses to mash the main character's titties into pulp.

Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell

I'm only a year or so behind on finding out about this song, but it's better late than never.

"Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell" by Das Racist:

http://songza.fm/~u13uuj

Apparently this song got a lot of publicity from people reviewing it sarcastically. Unfortunately for them, it truly is AMAZING.