Thursday, August 30, 2012

Why Voldemort Is Gay

My friend is reading the Harry Potter books for the first time (I KNOW, it's shocking there's an adult who hasn't actually read them) and has been providing me with commentary. This is his reasoning for why Voldemort loves cock:

Here is my new HP conspiracy. Voldemort is a faggot.

We know he is obsessed with snakes and has a natural skill at "speaking their language".

The ministry of magic hates him and we have already established that they hate the gays by the way they treat Dumbledore and their botched job with lezzy Bertha Jorkins.

All of his Death Eaters (Cum Eaters) are men except for that one bitch who is clearly a fag hag with her tranny makeup and sassy attitude.

He tried to kill a baby. As we know faggots hate babies and babies hate fags.

Being skinny and smooth, he was a twink at school. This is why he hated Dumbledore, a gay man over 30, and Hagrid, a hairy bear.

Being a shitty faggot, he is an elitest.

In an attempt at living forever, he seriously fucked that face up, botched nose job and face lift. Now he is a bitter old, queen. Jealously he kills the younger, prettier Cedric Diggory.

He is obsessed with unicorns.

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