Truth Bombs Drop On The City

Wow, it seems like something real actually happened on Monday's episode of The City. Whitney invited her coworker and self-proclaimed "social"(ite) Olivia to an art gallery opening. You know what, bitch? I can abbreviate words à la Buffy Summers as well--now you're a sosh. How do you like that? The CONVO leads to this:

Whitney: "Um, I have to warn you though, it's a little bit tense right now with everyone. There's all this drama going on about Adam supposedly cheating on Alli when the guys were out the other night, so everyone's gathering in the same place tonight--"

Soshface: "That's way too much information for me to be hearing. (Laughs) I don't want to hear any of this, but my best advice is to stay out of it. Whitney, you're an adult. You know this is very--"

"Yeah, well, I mean--"

"You're what? You're twenty-three years old? We're not, like, in high school."

"Yeah, I just needed someone to talk to about it, you know, but if you don't wanna hear it. . ."

"Well thank you for inviting me, yeah I would love to stop by for a drink if I can." (<-sounding super sweet)

"Yeah."

"Awesome."

I think that interaction meets the reality limit for the entire series, so that bitch Olivia better keep her mouth shut from now on if she knows what's good for her. Producers will cut that snatch out of the show faster than she can say "pretentch." Fifteen year-old girls want to think you're living a real Gossip Girl, so stick with the fantasy, honey. It's like when you're having a great time slapping around a prostitute, and she has to go and remind you that it's extra if you leave marks. Way to ruin the illusion! What, as if that's never happened to you? You're a filthy fucking liar.

The Shitty, Or: Whitney Port Has Dumpface

For real. Her emotive capabilities are limited to faces she probably makes whilst pooing. Hence, DUMPFACE. Let's start with the upper left and work around counterclockwise, hm?

1) omg i can't believe that much fecal matter came out of me. whats does fecal mean?

2)so thats where my cellphone was!

3)ew is that corn and blood?

4)mmmm gimme a spoon



I wanted to avoid droves of drunken mofos on this NYE, so I decided to punish myself in another way by watching the premiere episodes of The City. Some thoughts:

Whitney = twat. still boring, but more entertaining than LC. has manhands
Olivia = cunt
Erin = idiot. still not really sure who she is
Jay = douchebag. looks like if Adrian Grenier and Joe Jonas had a lovechild
Adam = douchenozzle. probably in love with Jay
Alex = toolbox. looks like if Pete Doherty got his grill worked on and stayed sober for a few days

Mostly, the girls appear to be sex robots whose creator forgot to program them. And Jay. . . seriously? When he first spoke, I thought he was deaf. Then maybe Australian, then confirmed Australian. Apparently "bob's your uncle" means "there you have it." I love when people with foreign accents imitate Americans. They always sound so cracker-ass-cracker-honky-whitebread-peckerwood.

Dear Olivia,
So I see you think very highly of yourself, being a "social" and everything. I just wanted to remind you that the only reason anyone knows who you are is that you auditioned to play the part of a Stepford Skank's frienemy on a nearly-scripted reality show. You're such a social, and you got your first pair of Manolo Blahniks at age 18? I'm calling shenanigans on you, bitch.
p.s. Stop trying to make "social" happen. It's NOT going to happen.
xoxo,
Schad

Diane von Fürstenberg's birthday was actually today. She's 62 but looks infinity years old. Quite undead. Methinks she feeds on the souls of babies.

I loved Olivia's reaction when Jay showed up at her dinner party. She was P-I-S-E-D. Pised?

I enjoyed Alex's confrontation with Jay at that club. It's a little difficult to appear intimidating in a loud club when you have to speak right into someone's ear, making it look like they're about to have an intense make-out sesh.

And Whitney: "I don't know who to trust." Really? What gives you that impression? The fact that these fame-hungry whores are paid to be your friends or was it all the producers and story editors whispering into everyone's ears?

In summation, Whitney Port can go eat a bowl of dicks. Bob's Your uncle.