Funny Games

Hmmm. . . this is a picture of part of the jumble section in my local paper a few weeks ago. What's the first word that pops into your head when you see this? For me it wasn't the correct answer, which was "aging."

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A much better joke occurred to me about the picture of the ano girl:
Calista Flockhart, eat your heart out then throw it up so you don't gain any weight.

I Can Has Anurekseeya?

I have all these fucked up pictures on my phone, so I figured I'd share them. Here's a pretty one of a woman who used to powerwalk by my old apartment all the time. She puts Lara Flynn Boyle to SHAME:

I Hate Myself

I've been making fun of Twilight for some time now even though I haven't read the book or seen the movie. I've just read a lot of material about how poorly the books are written and how much the movie sucks. I decided I needed to get some firsthand dirt on it, so I started to read the first book. I'm only a few chapters into it, but so far I'm a little disappointed because it's not quite as bad as I thought it would be. I just don't want to end up enjoying it. I want so badly to hate it, and so far I hate the characters and the style, but I'm sure there's more suckiness to come. I made sure to download free copies of the books because I don't want to add to the author's sales. I read that 10% of the money goes to the Mormon church. I've met plenty of cool Mormons with whom I got along great and didn't think I was going to hell or anything, but in light of the whole Prop 8 debacle, I would feel like a major hypocrite knowlingly giving them support. So here I go on my self-loathing adventure in the land of sparkly vampires and umsympathetic heroines.

Jizzsicles

Fun fact: freezing semen requires a vessel capable of reaching -200 degrees centigrade. I heard this on TV, so I know it's true. TV would never lie to me. It made me think of a post by the funny bastards over at 2friends1blog:
http://2friends1blog.blogspot.com/2008/10/jizz-quiz.html
Trying to create homemade jizz pops would really result in more of a cum custard. But maybe that's your kind of thing. Sprinkle some sugar on top and blowtorch the shit: Cum Brûlée!

My Ex-Neighbor Is Probably Really Glad I'm Gone

My last apartment was on the first floor and shared a fenced-in back patio with the rest of the residents on my side of that building. I'd never seen anyone else out there, so I was in the habit of leaving my blinds open when I was home. I never thought twice about it because no one else was ever back there. Until Hot Blond Dude moved into the apartment next to mine. HBD would sporadically be outside smoking or talking on the phone. Never at the same time as me however. When he did this, he was always crossing in front of my window and sitting in the chairs that were literally right outside my door. Most of the time I just forgot the blinds were open and went about my business--including "me time" of the self-abusing nature.

Then during one quality time session, after a while, for some reason I looked over at my window, and caught the glance of HBD! He was on the phone, and he whipped his head away. At first I was really embarrassed. Not only could he see everything I was doing, but my computer monitor was positioned in such a way that he HAD to see the porn that was playing. Oops. I ran to the bathroom and waited a few minutes. I crawled to the window and turned the thin wand that closes the blinds. Ya know, to make it look like they magically closed themselves. Then I realized he was shirtless, and it was lovely. I went back to work, all the while thinking of HBD.

I never did introduce myself or talk to him. I passed him on the sidewalk in front of our building once. He was holding hands with what must have been his girlfriend. I imagined him turning to her and saying, "holy shit, that dude. . ." and I had to laugh. I moved out two months after that.

Da Real World

I was planning on writing a critique of the new Real World, but it was so boring that sarcasm, cursewords, and foul imagery wouldn't even help it. I was excited because there's a tranny, but it turns out she's the world's lamest tranny. Lame as in extremely unentertaining, not hobbled. I like my trannies wild and violent. There's an ex-army guy who claims not to be affected by his time in Iraq who CLEARLY has mad issues. A faggoty Mormon who sews his own clothing (ie pink under a sport jacket collar that shows when he pops it).



There's only ONE black girl--unforgivable!



There's a homo guy who based on the previews of upcoming episodes has anger probs.


There's a gym-obsessed dude who looks like a douchewrap supreme, but seems like a really sweet guy.

This Surfer Douche Looks Like a Turtle

A Double Shot At Love contestant Trevor looks just like that turtle from Finding Nemo.

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

I had this fucked up dream last night. People were presenting building proposal models to me for some reason. One of the guys who made a little model was Chuy from Chelsea Lately, and he made a hole in the model through which he stuck his junk. And it was impressive junk. I wonder what Freud would think? He'd probably do a bump of coke then tell me I want to fuck little nuggets. Seems pretty accurate.

Pop Off, Son!

Bad Girls Club.

Everybody loves a show about unstable bitches. Here are some thoughts on last night's episode.

Amber B. is interested in a lying ape named Greg. Before she let the other roommates make up her mind about him, she had this to say about him:
"He's genuine. He wants to know me for me. He wants to know my family." Sorry, honey, but he's just buttering you up. He thinks if he tells you what you want to hear, you'll let him take your black cherry.

Kayla let us know that her ex-boyfriend mind-fucked her into hating light-skinned women. "He like light-skinned bitches with better hair than me. (To Tiffany) Yo hair is curly just like mine, but my hair is thicker than yours. So my hair look nappy until I put a grip of gel on my shit." Wow, I haven't heard anyone use the word "grip" in, well a grip while. "Because of my ex, I hate a bitch that's lighter than me!" Then why the fuck was he with you? I'll answer for you--because you put out and do all the freaky things in bed you feel you have to do since your self-esteem is so low and you can't believe anyone would even date you.

Tifffay, the light-skinned bitch of the house, has a boyfriend named Skeet. As in skeet-skeet, meaning cum. That's classy. She explained how the skin issue within race goes all the way back to slavery. There were light slaves like her, and they got to do the cooking and cleaning, be in the house, and not outside in the fields picking cotton.

Then there's Ailea. This bitch got issues for days, primary among them, DADDY issues. She never knew her father and is now dating an OLD ass man she met online. She flipped the fuck out on Amber M. It started semi-normal, as a conversational confrontation, even though Ailea's leg was shaking uncontrollably the whole time. Then a bitch just SNAPPED, knocked over chairs, and popped off. I feel like she's going to go fatal attraction on her popop lover. She admitted to him that she was taken to an institution to be evaluated (which really doesn't mean much unless she's not telling him that she was kept there for a month or something). She used to throw things, yell, and want to "really hurt people." Sounds like a temper tantrum for a two-year-old right? Apparently it was only two years ago. "I'm really not a crazy person." I do feel bad for her, but the thing is, once you identify a problem like that, you have the responsibility to deal with it. If you keep doing the same shit, you're going to get the same shitty results.

I liked Kayla telling Ailea "none off that lesbo shit around me, okay? Cuz I don't like girls. But can I have a tongue kiss though?" She's all like that normally, but get this bitch liquored up, and it's scissor time.

Greg was baffled that Amber B. didn't trust him. His argument that he was trustworthy was that he's a third generation Eagle Scout, and he produces his card for it. "You're a boy scout?"
"I still am."
"So you're gay?" Alright, the last line was made up, but come on. Amber asked him earlier if he was into dudes, and he got really defensive but freely admitted that he'd kissed his guy friends on the mouth. One answer he gave her when she asked was "I'm straight as ever." Perhaps he did mean to say arrow, but it's probably his mind's way of saying "it's not gay if a guy just blows me" without really saying it. They were in bed later: "Are they real?"
"Yeah."
"Really? Awesome." He probably high-fived himself.

Then later at a club, Kayla rips her dress, and wah wah wah it's all about her. She wasn't wearing panties. What the fuck? How common a practice is that? Have girls learned nothing? What's the purpose of doing that anyway? Are you that much of a cock-hungry thundercunt that you can't be bothered to waste time removing them later for access to your gaping maw of a vagina? She gets in the limo and cries that she's sick of everything being about her, so to prove that point, she removed the rest of her attire. This causes old Lighty to get ready to pop off: "On my life, I'ma fuck her up. Right out here. Chicago style." What exactly is Chicago style? Is she gonna beat her ass with just mustard, no ketchup? Or is it a deep-dish whuppin'? She says later "I'm silent for a reason. (Points to herself) Deadly weapon. I'ma fuck yo ass up."

Good times.