Cock Of Love Bus

Yes, it's that time again. The slutty ladies on the Rock of Love Bus have inspired me to share their antics. They all head to my hometown of Champaign, Illinois, but none of the episode really takes place their. Bret takes his buxom brood to an ice arena to square off against the University of Illinois women's hockey club. Emphasis on the S in Illinois, because that's how Bret ignorantly rolls. The arena is in Danville, Illinois, about 40 miles away. And the strip club he takes them to is also not in Champaign.

During the hockey challenge, one of the skanks, Melissa, falls and thinks she popped an implant. Later that night, the cameras caught her talking on a cell phone she's not supposed to have. Presumably she's speaking to her boyfriend/fiance/whatever and she's talking all sorts of shit about Bret's hair extensions and how old he looks. She says that she doesn't even like him as a person. Ha. The next morning she saw a doctor and found out her boob is leaking, and she tore tendons in her arm. Boo hoo. Then when Bret confronts her about the phone call, she straight up denies it all, saying she never even called anyone. If six bitches are telling you some other bitch did this and that, who are you going to believe? The six, right? Which is kind of scary, because it's generally true in situations like that the group is telling the truth and the individual is bullshitting. BUT a group could come together and decide whatever they want and accuse an individual. Sucky. Like the Salem witchcraft trial or those evil children against poor Michael Jackson.

That one bitch needs to stop talking. You know, that one. She takes every opportunity to say "I'm a retired model." Is that supposed to be impressive? You know what it means, honey? It means you USED to be pretty, but now you're too busted for people to want to look at you. You're not doing yourself any favors by constantly reminding people that at one point, long ago you were attractive. So was Cloris Leachman.

The alleged porn star Brittaney cause some shit this week. While she was out on the date with Bret, the other girls in her bus smelled something like piss emanating from her bunk. They investigated and found food stashed under her blankets. Not only that, but in Brittaney's stuff they found all the dirty socks the girls had just worn for the ice skating challenge. WTF, mate? I'm wondering what her deal is. Is she so hard up for money that she needs to steal socks? Does she have a foot fetish (holy shit, note to self: foot fetish post to come later)? Is she planning to sell them on Ebay? They showed her in a confessional interview defending her actions. She said she asked the people at the ice rink who provided the socks if she could have them "and they very much said yes." She seems like some day she's going to go bunnyboiler on some dude's unfortch ass.



At elimination, token black girl Natasha is wearing a pink bustier and I swear her areolae are showing without an image blurring. Yes, that is a proper pluralization of areola. Pronounced "air-ee-oh-lee," bitches. In the end, Sockstealer got the boot. Bret said he paid a lot of good money for the best European hair extensions. At least he can joke about it, because on my life his shit ain't real. It's acrylic like WHOA.