Talk With Your Hips

Here's a hypothetical situation:

Due to something your lovely wife did, you're only child is now deaf and blind. She didn't know anything would happen to your son because of her actions, and you still love the bitch like crazy. Now imagine that you could either live together as a family with a handicapped son and a lump sum of money, OR you can kill your wife and grant your child's hearing and sight back. What do you do?

Clearly you keep the money and the crippled son. I mean, come on. Helen Keller! They taught that bitch how to talk! They made a musical about her! She made out like a fucking bandit!

Do yourself a favor and look up Helen Keller jokes. There are some gems. What did Helen Keller say about the cheese grater you gave her as a birthday present? "What a violent book!"

What did Helen Keller get for Christmas? Polio! She had everything else.

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.

The only thing is, a lot of the jokes are based on the assumption that she couldn't speak. She actually did learn to speak in a fashion, but let's pretend she didn't. It's funnier that way.

p.s. From Wikipedia: "As a young woman, Keller's eyes were replaced with glass replicas for 'medical and cosmetic reasons.' " Whoa, sweet. I guess you learn something new each day. Oh, and Sandy Duncan doesn't have a glass eye. Shenanigans!