Smize Fail

Brady: is that you?
me: yes, that's me in the tranny picture. in my final boss form
Brady: It doesn't look like you
Brady: It doesn't look bad. You photograph differently. Tyra would like it. You have different looks

Lazy-Smized

Tyra Banks is still a wealthy, self-centered beast of a woman with a cartoon-like forehead that must house an enlarged brain whose only function is to maintain her status as an evil genius. That's basically my recap of her latest episode of ANTM taking into account the recent statistic published that this bitch made $30 million last year when the rest of us peons who are lucky to be employed are toiling away with more stress and less payoff than ever. The only other thing you need to know is that Nicole "Bloody Eyeball" Fox is amazing and will assassinate Tyra some day. Wouldn't that be fantastically ironic? Tyra trains this meek, awkward waif to smile with her eyes and sell herself to be a model, and she becomes everything Tyra was and more. Then perhaps the day Nicole's spin-off of the Tyra show is to premiere, they will meet in Nicole's dressing room so Tyra can wish her luck and remind her how she owns Nicole, body and soul. "No more," Nicole will whisper as the axe crunches into Tyra's massive forehead, splattering flecks of blood into her eyes, bringing her nickname to life.

Or something like that. Here's an observational interaction I had a little earlier:

Jackee: Omg kara was such a cunt to bloody eyeball! Revenge of BE!

Me: B.E. IS THE BEST. SHE WILL SMIZE ALL THEM OTHA HOEZ TO DEATH. SHE WILL MURDER A BITCH WITH HER FACE AND NOT EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.

Tyra Smeyets The World

Tyra Banks is killing me. With her eyes. Her "smeyes." She's "SMEYETING" ME. "What's that?" you ask? Oh, you don't know about the horrible new word invented by a useless woman for an imaginary action? "Smeyesing" is smiling with your eyes. If you watched tonight's America's Next Top Model, then you are all too familiar. I considered watching it again in order to count the number of times smeyes is uttered, but I knew I'd have performed terrible and permanent self-mutilation before I could finish it.

Then the producers thought it would be a great idea to put all the contestants in spandex body suits. Here's the result:

Oooh Baby Let Me Fix My Weave

(Kudos on keeping it real, but if that's how you roll, be prepared for many wtf? looks)

Whenever I see hair like Tyra's or Oprah's I ponder what their real hair looks like. I like to imagine what it looks like at that very moment with those wigs sitting on their heads. Not sleeked back and chic, but cornrowed. And not these fake ass chunky Lil' Kim cornrows,



but keepin it real-style.





I'm talking about busted-ass, frizzy, utilitarian cornrows a bitch would do knowing ain't nobody gonna see em. Oprah has said that she wears hairpieces and wigs, and her hairline is constantly showing, but her people do a great job of making it look like it might have grown from her head. Unlike some people. . .



The amount of time and thought I've put into Oprah's hair is sickening. Last week Star Jones was on Oprah (don't EVEN get me started). Oprah was wearing her best Pocahontas hair, and my coworker insists it was all her hair. If by "her hair" you mean she owns it, then yes, I agree. There is no way she grew that shit herself. I think maybe that was part of Oprah's deal with the devil. She gets fame, fortune, power, and good hair for a lifetime in exchange for her soul and those of as many little African girls as she can provide (Hello? Her school is so fucked, it might as well be called Lindsay Lohan). An article in Star magazine last year had an item from some woman who claimed to go to the same gym as Oprah. She said Oprah's real hair was cropped close to her dome and bleached. I would die. DIE.


On a related note, this reminds me of a girl I went to high school with. She was nice and sweet, but she was a little, um, what's a nice way of saying "ghetto?" Anyway, she was a white girl with pale skin, freckles, and chin-length blonde hair. One day she decided it would be a great idea to get braided extensions of the dookey variety. They started at the halfway length of her natural hair and looked horrendous. Best part? THEY WERE FUCHSIA.