Fuck Tyler Perry

The formula of a Tyler Perry movie:

Hassy Birfday

To me. And Mel Brooks (I think he's still alive) and Felicia Day! I love me some FD, and I never knew we shared our birthday. I'll gladly share with her. Right now I'm on vacation, pulling stunts and turning heads with my friends in San Francisco. I probably won't be posting until after I return, but I'll have some great pictures to share from the SF Pride Parade. I need to comb through them carefully because sometimes the best part was crowd reaction.

I will say this for now. There were two people in front of us along the sidelines of the parade who just perplexed me to no end. They looked like 14-year-old boys. But the more I saw them, the more I realized they were either lesbians or FTM trannies. I think they were trannies. They were really pulling off the look though. At first, I thought to myself, "damn, it's kind of cool that these little kids are watching the parade and enjoying themselves." But, then I noticed that one of them had a tattoo on shis arm, and most children do not have tattoos. Then I noticed that perhaps one of the young fellows may have had a slight bosom. It was cool. The best part was that one of them was wearing the backpack in the picture I posted. Perf.

So Wrong

I was walking to work this morning and on my usual route, I sometimes pass two big lesbians taking their adorable Boston Terrier for a morning walk. I noticed that one lesbian was waiting with the dog while the other was walking away at about perhaps 30 feet. I didn't think anything of it. I stayed the course toward the dog to get a peek at its adorableness rather than veering off on a shortcut. After the requisite "awwww," I headed off in the same direction as the other lesbian. At this point, she was coming my way toward her partner; and I must have surprised her because she had a quick frightened look on her face. A few more steps, and I realized why the big bossy butch dyke looked so mortified. The smell that enveloped me was horrendous. Thankfully there was a brisk wind that carried away the scent quickly. I don't know what's in her lesbian diet, but she needs to ADJUST. Or simply start blaming the dog.

Cheers, Pats

Cool! Just send Eddie and Patsy down there, and they'll drink the shit all up.


Lumley's Inventor Investment Helps Oil Devastated Coastline



Veteran British actress JOANNA LUMLEY is joining efforts to remedy the oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico by providing officials with a special oil-attracting 'mattress' to mop up the mess.

The eco-activist began investing in the Frogmat, an invention by British creator Ken Frogbrook, 20 years ago after realising its potential to clean up oil.

The straw mattressing is rolled out around the polluted coastline to absorb oil, soaking up the slick and helping clean the water.

The Frogmat also helps slippery oil-covered wildlife pull themselves out of the water.

The Absolutely Fabulous star is proud the product she has backed for so many years is now being used by British Petroleum bosses to help clean-up the spill in the Gulf of Mexico, which has been ruled one of the worst environmental disasters in American history.

She tells U.K. TV host Graham Norton, "This is brilliant, we're talking about oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico, in Louisiana and Florida where they are just waiting for that oil to come through.

"This was invented by a man called Ken Frogbrook, I joined him maybe 15-20 years ago to support him. It's straw mattressing which rolls out and out like a magic carpet and drags oil towards it and then you roll it and it's like oil-soaked mattressing which can then be used for fuel.

"Now we are sending two machines out at the request of BP to spread this mattressing along the (coast) and not only does it help clean the water, it gives the wildlife something to step onto. You've probably seen the plastic ones, and the poor little things can't get on with their oily feet, but because this is made of straw, it means they can get out of the oil and the stuff biodegrades at the end of it if you don't pick it up."

A Sexy Soccer Guide

I haven't seen one moment of the world cup, but this guide to hot footballers is all I need. My top pick? Iker Casillas. Ay, papi.

(this one isn't my boo Iker, but I find the pose. . . inviting)

Bam! Bitch Went Down

I'm surprised I haven't seen pictures of Lady Gaga biting it before now. I'm sure she has though. All those "avant-garde" yikes she wears are dangerous as hell. She's going to break a hoof. OH that reminds me. Uh oh, this is kind of terrible. I don't think I've mentioned it before. I was on a date a couple months ago; and at the restaurant, I spied a table of sorostitutes. The cool thing was one of them had a prosthetic leg. I thought it was neat and immediately starting wondering aloud how she came to be in that situation. My final hypothesis was that she suffered a serious pump accident. She was drunk, running in knee-high hooker boots, and her heel got caught in a grate. Because the material was so restrictive and unforgiving, it just snapped off her whole lower leg. That's what I like to think went down.

We're Fucking Done Professionally

I'll kick this off with a quote from my favorite blogger, Gabe Delahaye (here, this is funny), because I have to acknowledge that I've been part of this epidemic: ". . .whatever my role may be in this: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I caused all that Ke$ha." I'm finished with Kesha. Kind of. I'll still enjoy a couple of her songs, but her image she works so hard to maintain is hurting my soul. Oh, yes KESHA. I refuse to contribute to the perpetuation of her terrible, terrible name with the symbol. She looks like she smells bad and is sticky. I happened to watch last night's episode of The City (don't judge me, I'm judging myself enough for it) and she had a brief cameo. If an appearance by a manufactured, contrived pop singer can be considered a cameo. Castmemeber Olivia made some delightfully snide comments on Kesha's style as "punk trash" and "garbage chic." I agree, minus the -chic part. In the three minutes of screen time she had, Kesha made all sorts of gross faces as she is wont to do. Also, her hair? The question mark is because I think it might have just been a possum nest. Do they nest? I have a feeling they might den. I'll have to check into that, but if possums nested, they would make something like Kesha's hair. Seriously, Britney Spears at her ratty, weavy worst is better than Kesha's head situation. Anyway, in that short time she TWICE said, "I love garbage bags," and mentioned that she wanted to wear a gown made of trash bags to the Grammy's, (I'm not really sure why she was allowed to even attend) but they wouldn't let her. The point is, these people had to "work" with her for an entire styling session and photo shoot, so just imagine how times she professed her love of garbage bags and let loose with other similarly grimy gems.

Now might be a good time to mention her atrocious SNL performance. Wow, was it ever lackluster. Teach a bitch how to dance, pop songstress manufacturers! Every moment was womp-womp sad trombone. She looked like a combination of a malfunctioning robot and the Trash Heap from The Fraggles. And we all know she can't sing to begin with, so please don't bother to try anything live. Get your moves tight, and for shit's sake, lipsynch. At least you could be enjoyable then. She really ruined it there. Well. . . and with her Jon Travolta face. I had to go there. Sorry, girl!

Cougarhontas

The wonderful homo at siennadenima has done it again. This one is pretty good, but I'm crossing my filthy fingers for Mulan!

What Is the Opposite of Seduction? Repulsion?

I was too lazy to go back and check if I posted this already, but this is worth two posts if that's the case.

Sweet Dreams

I keep forgetting to share a strange dream I had two nights ago. I was in some sort of small cafeteria with tons of people. There was a shady group on the opposite side of the room from me consisting of Nick Cannon, Random Generic White Guy, and super cute blond guy. I could tell the blond was the leader of their little cohort, he just looked all evil. He motioned me over, and I didn't mind a closer look at him. When I got over there he had Nick Cannon use some power on me to choke me and make it so no one paid any attention to me. Imagine that! Nick Cannon with the power to be ignored. Surprising. Anyway, I broke free of that somehow, then I figured out that I needed to attack Jennifer Coolidge. Yes, Stiffler's mom. I don't know what that was about, but she was there and I approached her with the handle end a butter knife. I slowly stabbed it through her titty three times, passing between ribs in an attempt to get her cold, black heart. "Hey! Watch it!" is all she had to say in her funny voice before she slumped, and I woke up. How random is that?? I love Jennifer Coolidge. I don't know why I'd want to take her out. But I recognized that she was a threat, and I wouldn't let me love of her big ass and silly ways get in my way. Maybe that's the message.

Sidenote: She's one of those people I just can't picture young. What could she have looked like at my age? It's like that video of Rue McClanahan I saw a few weeks ago in which she's young and performing some sort of (hopefully ironic) burlesque dance. She just looks....exactly the same, but not wrinkly. It's not really sexy, it's actually rather disturbing. I don't remember if I posted it already, so if not, you have that shit to look forward to.