Teens and Their Bracelets Don't Have SHIT on Oldschool Queers

My brother is student teaching at a local high school. He said there was an announcement this week that the moratorium on scarves being worn in the school had been lifted. Students staged a protest of the scarf ban. They were banned because gangmembers were wearing them in their back pockets to show affiliation. Homo say what? What kind of faggoty gangs were these? The Sharks and Jets? (There's a Westside Story reference for those not in the know.) Do they have dance battles in which people "get served." Is this New York City circa 1970? You know who else uses hankies to identify "interests?" Homosexuals.

Let me try to decipher the guy in the above photo:

• sucks dick
• into getting peed on
• likes it in the ass
• likes fisting dudes
• dominates guys SM style
• likes to jerk off
• depending on the color interpretation, either likes boning men with dildoes or is into drag queens

Brace Yourself, Whore, You're About to Get a Stunning

Set Phazers To Bukkake

My G-Ma is quite a character. Here's a tidbit: to this day she laments that the FDA pulled the strong diet pills (read: SPEED) of her day off the market. "I could take half a pill and clean the entire house in an hour." Last night she was telling me how she and a friend used to watch Star Trek when she was in her 20s. She told me her friend used to always say, "that William Shatner, he can put his shoes under my bed any day." If you think about it, that's pretty scandalous. It's inflation. Gas used to cost five cents per gallon, and ribaldry has also had to step up its game. That's like a modern, innocent girl saying, "that Zac Effron, I'd let him stick it anywhere and post it on X Tube." But look at young Shatner! He was kind of a hot piece. Now he has kind of a hair piece. And a girdle. I wonder what will be considered the new dirty in 50 years.

Please Crumble, Cookie

Amber M. from the Bad Girls Club was on Tyra Banks' talk show some time recently. She explained what made her a bad girl, and apparently it's abusing people with disabilities. She claimed that she was at a bar and out of nowhere, a "wheelchair guy" rolled into her and spilled an entire drink on her intentionally. This unforgivable infraction warranted her stomping on his balls. "I don't discriminate. If a real guy just did that, I would kick him in the balls too." Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? Somebody needs to drop a house on this cunt.

I Know Who You Fucked Last Summer

I hung out last night with a guy I went to school with. We had a great time making fun of everything. Our friend Jessica, or J. Phlip as she's now known, was spinning at a local bar so we checked it out. I remember having a calculus class with her, and she was very smart. I was like, "you're beautiful, talented, AND smart. This is bullshit! You're supposed to get knocked up junior year and become a 'nail technician.'" Luckily she proved that wrong, and now she's in SF and DJs at places like EndUp, so check her out!

We didn't really have any awkward interactions with people from high school whom we haven't seen in years. I did see a few people that I recognized but pretended not to. It's fun to see people who looks drastically different. What do you say to them? "Heeeey! You look. . . fat," or "Wow, I think I know the person you ate." The bartender was a girl with black hair that was intentionally tousled, asymmetrical hair and thick, nerd-chic glasses that are all the rage but are really so yesterday. She looked decidedly emo (cringe) and probably only smokes hand-rolled cigarettes.

[sidenote: Don't you hate those people who make a big deal of smoking only hand-rolled cigs? They always make a big fucking show of pulling out a bag of tobacco and paper. You know they practice at home for hours at a time so they can expertly roll the shit in front of people. Even if they roll them ahead of time, not in your presence, they make sure you know they did it themselves. Here's a thought: why don't you go hand roll a fucking anthrax cigarette and smoke it while jumping off a tall building with a stick of dynamite up your ass? kthxbye.]

Back to the bartender. She had a rather contrived look, and after staring at her for a while, I recognized her as a girl, Lizzie, I went to school with. I didn't let her know I recognized her, but instead I had an imaginary interaction:

"Hey, Lizzie, right?"
"No. . . my name is 'L.'"
"What? You were a fucking cheerleader! And you begged me not to tell your boyfriend that you smoked when I saw you with a cigarette."

That is all.

A Wank Down Memory Lane

I remember the first time I found out there was pornography on the internet. This was a novel experience because the internet as we know it hadn't been around for a terribly long time. It was right around the time Mortal Kombat 3 was released. I was trying to find information about the game, and I ended up on some page having to do with the people who modeled the characters. Apparently the girl who modeled for Sonya Blade, Kerri Hoskins, was also a Playboy model. I saw her boobs and was scandalized that such images were on the internet. The first gay porn site I found was the Manhole or something like that. It was 100% an accident! I seriously wasn't looking for gay porn, it just happened. It was a happy accident, and we've been together ever since.

Gay Pride Fail

Dear JD Ordonez of Real World "fame,"

On behalf of homos everywhere, thanks, but no thanks. We don't want what you're selling. You're kind of a disgrace to our people. You outed your tranny roommate, and you keep acting a damn fool. Granted she didn't really need to come out to anyone--that would be like Richard Simmons saying, "brace yourself for my shocking secret. . . I'm gay!" It was still rude! And don't you EVER tell a black girl she can't sang! What the fuck is wrong with you? Were you raised by racist wolves? Oh, and the whole dolphin training thing. . . not helping the cause. Straight people of the world: please disregard this faggot. We're not all judgmental pricks who bleach our assholes and always say inappropriate--oh shit. Never mind. Carry on. JD, what are you doing later?

Real Chance of a Lay

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Holy Racism, Batman!

My hair gets curly when it grows out. A guy once said to me, "it looks like your grandma slept with a slave." Wow. I was really offended. How fucking old did he think I was?? Add a couple greats in front of grandma and we're set, fuckass.

How To Be Shady, Perez Hilton Style

A random memory came to me today. It has to do with my friend Sharetha, with whom I grew up. One day in high school, she told me about a wedding she attended over the weekend. She said that everyone was laughing at the bride behind her back because she was such a ho. She had earned the nickname "Stitches" because she "let a bunch of dudes run a train up on her;" and apparently it was such a ferocious train that she had to go to the hospital and get her snatch stitched up. Maybe they call them snitches? I'll never think of Harry Potter the same again.