Nazi Say What?

My G-Ma has all these mats in her house positioned around entryways. They are patterned in such a way that, when aligned correctly, they form swastikas. Every time I'm there and I notice one, I reposition them. I think her handyman/housekeeper must be putting them back. I think it's his passive way of saying "fuck you old lady, I have a PhD."

In Dreams

I had a dream I was in a dark alley and three guys were harassing another man. The other man was asking me to help him, but I had the feeling he was actually one of them and trying to lure me over, so I said I couldn't help him. Then he got scared, pulled out money and offered it to me to help. I ran away. Then the guys started chasing me, and I was convinced they were going to try to rape me. Then I found myself at some crazy event that I guess was a gay pride gathering. There were innumerable tents covered with colorful cloths, and I was flying among them talking to people. I stole purple glitter tic-tacs from some girl. Then I ended up in the kids' section, and there was a little boy dressed as Velma from Scooby Doo. There was also a boy smurf there in drag. He was dressed in a red sequins jumpsuit with matching pumps.

Doodle #something

Doppletranny

Dee Dee Bridgewater is on the cover of this month's Jazz Times pumping a heavy Kevin Aviance look. I can just hear her doing a scat version of "Cunty."

Happy Birthday!

It might as well be your special day, because this video is an amazing gift. Please pay attention to the lyrics and watch the whole thing undistractedly.

Oh Yeah, By The Way

I dropped that shitty master cleanse. I lasted four days. While it was a failure, I think I did learn a lesson. I don't have to snack. I usually have a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and if I do have lunch, sometimes I have fast food. But not too often. Because I don't generally eat a lot during the work day, I snack often afterward. I've learned to be able to deal with feeling hungry for a while and that it's not the end of the world. Plus I need to start working out. Srsly.

Did You Know Seal Went to Hogwarts?

I was just looking up Seal on the internet because I forget how he got those scars. It's apparently not information I kept in my head because he hasn't really been relevant for over a decade. Imagine my surprise when I popped over to Wikipedia and found out that Seal is a wizard! Check it out!

Day 4

Okay, first of all, I cracked. I had two mini donuts. Whatever. They were good and worth it. Aside from that I've felt strange. I've been having crazy sugar highs and lows. Plus the other night my stomach woke me up at 2 a.m. Not because I was hungry, but because I was just about ready to shit myself. It seems to have been better since then, but I don't know if I can deal with another week of trying not to shart myself. I woke up this morning dying for a cup of tea. That alone was almost enough to make me call the whole thing off. We'll see if I can handle any more of this.

Textual Intercourse

my brother: What's the name of the actor that plays GOB?

me: Will Arnett

my brother: thanks, i'm just about to win a bet with a student with autism

Day 1

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold

Today was my first day of trying the master cleanse diet. You know the one. Remember how Beyonce announced on Oprah that she lost weight in preparation for Dreamgirls by consuming nothing but water, lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper? That's the one. The mixture for one serving is supposed to be 8 ounces of water, 2 tbsp lemon juice, 2 tbsp grade B maple syrup, and 1/1o tsp of cayenne pepper. I like spiciness even though I have a very low threshold for it, but when I made my bottle-full for work this morning, I put in WAY too much pepper. It is recommended to drink 6-12 servings of this mess per day. I'm currently enjoying it sans pepper, and it is fucking delicious. This kosher organic bullshit maple syrup is great. I'll never go back to that big bitch Mrs. Buttersworth or that shameful Aunt Jemima ever again.

It's not even been one day, but I want food so bad! I don't even feel that hungry, I just want to taste something! I have nine more days of this to look forward to. Yikes. Oh, you're also supposed to drink herbal laxative teas at bedtime and drink some sort of salt water in the morning to get your bowels moving. Eff that noise. I drank some of the tea last night, and I'll probably continue to do so, but there's no way I'm doing more than that. I woke up this morning convinced that the tea had no effect. Then about an hour after waking, it hit me. I had to go NOW. Anyway, I'll keep updates on how I'm doing, because I'm going to have to bitch about this. I weighed myself this morning, and though I won't say what the result was, I'm hoping it will be considerably less in 9 days.