Gagging For Your Nerves

I can't even describe the awesomeness of this video. I can only say that this bitch knows how to turn it out and how to motherfucking LAYER. Make sure to watch the whole thing with nothing distracting you. Eat. It. Up. With. A. Spoon.

Hot Mess In Cleveland

The TV Land premier of Hot In Cleveland was last night, and it was. . . meh. It was trite, cliché, and a little boring at times. There are some decent one-liners but none we haven't heard before. It stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves, and Valerie Bertinelli with Betty White as back-up. Wendy is pulling her usual snobby Hollywood schtick from Just Shoot Me, which to her credit she is good at. She's a woman of a certain age who finds the adoration of the simple Ohio folk amusing. Jane Leeves was more crass than the last time I paid her any attention (Frasier), and she's fine. I suppose it works for her. Her character has glasses in the pilot which annoyingly reflect whatever monitors are on set, which only serves to remind me that she's acting, and isn't acting the sweet girl we're used to from Frasier. Then there's Valerie Bertinelli. Valerie who? Exactly. Oh, that big girl from Weight Watchers? Yes. Was it even WW? I'm not even sure because I've never paid attention to her, and I don't care to now. She's boring, whiny, and the whole time I just wanted her to shut up. She's supposed to be the focus of the series with her sad story of her soon-to-be-ex-husband becoming engaged to a younger woman. The problem is she is so blah that she isn't likable at all, and I won't be rooting for her underdog performance.

And Betty. Oh, Betty. She's the only reason to watch. The show has her as a sassy, crass octogenarian who clashes especially with Jane Leeves. She's funny, and it's obvious she's a pro who knows comic timing. They favor giving her lines not expected from the elderly, which rather makes it seem like an extension of her SNL hosting duty, but I'm into it. I fully support anything she does. Thank you, Ms. White, for making this program tolerable. I'd live for whatever she is a part of. It could be The Betty White Baby Strangling Hour, and I'd still cherish it on my DVR.

addendum: I just want to say a few more things. This is a fun show, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I expect everything to live up to the hilarity of Cougar Town or the drama of Battlestar Galactica. HIC is a perfectly acceptable show. In the same way that I guess people enjoy How I Met Your Mother. I'm never really going to give a shit about what the plot is, but it will entertain me. OH, and Jane Leeves' legs are INSANE. So hot. She is looking great, so you know, there's always that.

Moves the Booty, Grooves the Booty

From now on, I will replace the word "fail" with "Ciara."

Michael Jackson Decoded

So that's what it's all about.

Say What?

Kelly Bensimon named a drink after herself which contains lemonade, beer, and tequila. Cuntess Luann asked "is that like the Mexican version of a margarita?" Andy Cohen smirked and (at least according to Bravo's editing) looked toward Bethenny as if to ask, "is this bitch for real?"

Kids These Days

I've just discovered the hot summer jam of 2010. . . and it's from 2009. I was listening to an old podcast and heard Mariah Carey's "Obsessed." I can't stop listening to it! Look, I know I'm behind on what's happening with music in general, but give me a break. 2009 was basically a write-off for me, seeing as I was out of commission for a chunk of it. I can't be held responsible for what was happening in the outside world when I was learning to walk again. Anyway, here is the video for it, and I have a couple comments. 1) Mariah is looking GREAT. Oh so good. 2) At first I thought she was kind of cute as a guy, but then I snatched it back when I realized she looks exactly like Wilmer Valderrama.

My Pumps

At work last week I noticed a coworker was taller than usual and complimented her shoes. This prompted someone else to comment that they must have been five-inch heels. I squinted and appraised them for about .25 seconds and said, "three and a half." The other girl busted out a tape measure, and lo and behold, they were 3.5-inch heels. Don't play play on the bang bang.

C-Bombs Away!

What is the world coming to when a 13-year-old girl drops the c-bomb twice on a morning show? I'll tell you what, it's either the Apocalypse or heaven on earth. I'm leaning toward the latter.

Comic Book Queers

Friends of someone I know produce a great podcast called Comic Book Queers (http://www.comicbookqueers.com/). Well, to be honest I've only listened to a couple, but they are FANTASTIC. Check out episodes 97 and 113 to begin with. The first is a girl talk session featuring Dazzler, Storm, and Emma Frost. They are some nasty fuckin' bitches. Even if you have only paltry knowledge of the X-Men, you'll laugh your ass off. Dazzler likes "long walks on the beach and racial purity" and shoots laser diamonds out of her pussy. Emma Frost just shoots plain diamonds out of her pussy: "my period while in diamond form looks like crystal pepsi." Storm, well she is a fine mess: "because dick'll make you slap somebody, okay?"

The second one is Larry King interviewing Dazzler. Damn. It's great, she mentions that she had a "planned miscarriage." She "decided to get a miscarriage." Finding abortion jokes hilarious is an important part of being my friend I realized recently.

UPDATE: Get episode 106 too! It's the three favorite hobags again.

An Honor

I got a notification today that The Queens of Drag are now following me on Twitter. Yay! www.twitter.com/thequeensofdrag and http://www.thequeensofdrag.com/ are interesting. I guess there's some tv show starring them? I've never heard of it, or maybe it's yet to be aired. I love how the bio says "like the housewives show, but better wigs!" So true, so true. I have a few comments though. I live for Kevin Aviance. And to a lesser extent, I live for Lady Bunny and Peppermint Gummibear. Now: Hedda Lettuce. OOOoooh, girl. I respect what you do, and you've been doing it for a minute, but you need to work on your looks. TIRED. Now all they need is some Tammie Brown.