Textual Intercourse

Me: omg I'm watching a movie ab a girl who dies from a donkey punch and the ensuing drama lolol
Jay: HAHAHAHA
Me: aptly titled DONKEY PUNCH. It's british and has a bunch of super hot guys!
Jay: Oooooh I need some man in my life

Me: a fatal donkey punching is a risk I'm willing to take at this point
Jay: WORD
Me: We need to invent sex moves. ideas?
Me: the sherlock holmes...when you're in an orgy and you can't tell who's fucking you
Jay: HAHAHA stellar
Me: old faithful. inserting an enema but not shitting it out until you get penetrated, then WHOOSH
Jay: OH MAN
Me: the amy winehouse...waiting for jizz to dry then snorting/freebasing it
Jay: That's the best one
Me: the paula deen: using butter as lube
Me: the rachel ray: using EVOO as lube. YUM-O!

Me: the emeril: throwing a pinch of oregano on your partner as your climax while yelling "BAM!"
Me: sorry, i'm kind of hungry
Me: the britbrit: hitting a crazy bitch from the back and buzzing her hair during orgasm
Me: or just beating her with an umbrella during sexy times
Jay: Hahahaha I was like are you watching the food network?
Me: i have a unique relationship with food
Jay: HAHAHA that's the best ever. I have a unique relationship to depriving myself of it
Me: it's like you used to date food, now you just agree to stay out of each other's way
Jay: that's EXACTLY what its like!

Me: iraqi freedom-leaving it in after climax. staying the (inter)course no matter how terrible or what the cost

Me: the darfur-experiencing complete anal obliteration then receiving no assistance whatsoever