Hypothetically Speaking

Let's imagine a scenario. Perhaps I hypothetically have a profile on a social network/dating website. Then let's pretend that someone called, oh how about "fitguy," sent me the following message even though this make-believe version of me has made it explicitly clear that he is not looking for a hook up: "whats up? how bigs ur cock? wanna fuck around?" Now imagine that I shared this with a friend of mine for a laugh, and he jokingly suggested I respond with a shocking message. This is the hypothetical response: "Bro I'm really bumming. My wife found out I scam on her with guys and she aborted our unborn baby to get back at me. Could really use some sympathy cock." Sadly and fictitiously fitguy did not reply.

Textual Intercourse

A friend sent me the above picture which prompted the following interaction:


me: if bitches could get double pregnant it would have happened a long time ago
hahaha then you could have a double abortion

brady: it would be a massacre

me: i'd get triple preg and then have an abortion so i could refer to the holocaust in my uterus
i'd nickname my ladyparts auschwitz
gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "bun in the oven'

brady: so if you have sex with the baby's father and he keeps getting the baby's baby pregnant in a loop, the final baby would be the most inbred creature.

me: good call
then it would finally pop out as sarah palin

brady: OMG
I almost wrote that

me: it is the most logical destination

Thank You For Being A Twat

I woke up this morning at 4:30 and luckily had the sense to write down the crazy shit I was dreaming. Let's begin. In the first one I was fighting against evil cylons. Caprica Six was on my side, but it was intense. They were throwing all sorts of bombs at us. Grenades, flashbombs and some kind of electrical blasts were going off all around us. Then we somehow figured out that their weakness was the blood of one of our comrades, George, the werewolf from Being Human. So naturally I bit his ear to the point it almost came off, and we used the blood to win the battle. Then I remember being at some party and seeing Madonna flirt with someone I knew to be the coach of the University of Michigan's football team. Who he actually is, I have no idea, but apparently he was there. Then I found myself in a dorm room with a bunch of old ladies, including Betty White. Betty was selling them drugs. I procured a glass ampule of something called tachycandia from her. Yeah, what the fuck? At some point, I realized I had a sewing needle in my hand, so of course I placed it in my tongue. Ages ago I had my tongue pierced, and I have a dream every now and then that it is that way again. It's usually a regular barbell though, not a sharp, tiny needle in my mouth. The last thing I remember is that I was playing with a bunch of kittens, but they were scratching the hell out of my hands. I think the cat dream was maybe due to the Laser Cat sketch on SNL last night. Fun fact: Betty White turns 88 today. Happy birthday, you lovely old bitch!

"But I Done Seen It All Now"

Clearly this woman is my hero. I've looked up to her for years and written several clumsy childhood essays about why I admire her. This Bionic Stripper takes the mechanical cake. That shit is about to become self-aware and enslave humanity, eventually leading to one ground-breaking, fantastic movie and two mediocre follow-ups.

Lazy

It's a video-only kind of day here. Sorry, I just don't feel like doing any substantial writing. As if anything I post here is of substance. Here's another fun video instead.




And I know you're wondering who the attractive DJ is: he goes by Diplo.

Huh?

I can has nightmares?

Fucktales

I was chatting with someone yesterday, and Ducktales came up. I had mentioned something about going around town setting traps with candy for little children, but I wrote "time" instead of "town." Hence the topic of Ducktales arose. You know, how Scrooge McDuck traveled back in time to abduct a cavechild in order to molest him? Obviously Scrooge was into kids because that's why Launchpad wore pants, but all the children had none. Then this gem was brought to my attention, please enjoy:

Songs To Wake Up To

Woman of the Year

It's only January 8, and woman of the year is already set to go to this lovely old hag. She dukes it out old lady-style (with the mouth of a sailor against a bum. I can't even imagine what could top this tirade. She's the kind of old lady I want to be. Oh, did I mention that? I think it would be easier to be an old lady rather than an old man, so I figure I'll start going in drag around 70 or 75. I will need boobs though: long, pendulous ones that I can use to my advantage. According to Sophia Lamar, at least old ladies can trade a titty squeeze for some extra Jell-O in a retirement home. Hey, you do what you got to do!

Man Vs. Buttsex

Here is a video of Man Vs. Wild's Bear Grylls giving himself an enema. Because that's totally normal in the wild. Ancient Mayans spent all sorts of time giving themselves chocolate enemas. Oh that reminds me. My friend Lila once told me how there's a lady bum in San Francisco (I think) who's famous for giving wine enemas. It gets you really fucked up supposedly. Anyway, check out Bear Grylls doing himself in the butt. "And then once it's in, I guess all you do is lie back and think of England." That's what she said! Ba-dum-bump-chhh!

His face is priceless. Please, you know this ain't his first time at the ass rodeo, he's overreacting to pretend what a virgin he is. Trust, that shit is sloppy and loose.