Pooping Back and Forth Forever

The innocence of that little kid here is KILLING me. This is going to be my go-to line when I want to gross people out.

Flashbacks

I have this song in my iPod, and I still love it. I always thought the blond guy was really cute.

The Faggot with the Dragon Tattoo

Wow, I can't believe I haven't thought to share this until now. Last month, I received a message on my IM program from someone I didn't recognize. I guess he didn't remember me at first either and wanted to know who I was. After a few minutes I realized who it was. He is a certain member of the local homosexual community, and to (somewhat lightly) veil his identity, I shall aptly refer to him as the Faggot with the Dragon Tattoo. I won't mention the particular conspicuous location of the ink.

We chatted months ago, and it never went anywhere. Since one of my favorite pastimes is to delete contacts and even unfriend people from Facebook, he didn't make the cut in the last round apparently. This time we talked a little bit, and he seemed nice enough. He sent me a friend request on Facebook, but I declined. This is why:

I searched for his screen name on Google, and it brought me to a profile page on a very peculiar website. At first I thought it was for furries, and I suppose I could have dealt with that. A little odd, but whatever. I enjoy yaoi, and that's probably soemthing a lot of guys aren't into. Upon closer inspection, I realized the website for which he had a profile was NOT what I thought it was. Firstly, he had posted several nude pictures of himself (I was not impressed). I quickly ascertained that it was not in fact a harmless website for people of the Furry persuasion, but people into bestiality. After clicking on the homepage, I noticed that the description was "the world's largest bestiality board." Oy. I thought for a moment, maybe it wasn't him, or maybe it was some bitter ex playing a mean prank. But no, all his interactions and comments to other members combined with his personal information confirmed that it was indeed him. His profile had a line in it with something like "sadly, I do not have experience with animals, but it's not for lack of enthusiasm." Wow. So I have not talked to him since, and I will not be communicating with dogfucker anymore. Or maybe he's a dogfuckee? I have a friend who seems to think it's gross but still more acceptable to let an animal fuck you than to fuck the animal. The line of thought is that it's sort of consentual that way, rather than outright raping an animal. I don't give a shit, I don't need to associate with someone who if given the chance would get his freak on with animals. What does it mean to havve enthusiasm for that anyway? Does that mean he's tried? Anyway, if you live in Central Illinois and see a homo with a dragon tattoo, he's climbing in yo windows, he's snatchin' yo doggies up, tryna rape 'em, so ya'll need to hide your labs, hide your mutts.

Zoophilia

Sheesh, ya'll.



I couldn't remember if it was spelled beastiality or bestiality (the latter is correct), and the search for the answer led me to some crazy places. First of all, there's this:




Yeah. Let that sink in, and deal with that shit for a minute.

Then there's artist Paul Avril whose work includes such masterpieces as this:



and this:



Any brief lesson on zoophilia is not complete without Mr. Hands. Oh, you don't know about him? Well, Mr. Kenneth Pinyan a.k.a. Mr. Hands had a hobby of being videotaped while horses fucked him. Yes. YES it's true. I'm sure you can find the videos somewhere if you are so determined. They are disturbing as hell. Anyway, one fateful day in 2005 an Arabian stallion perforated Pinyan's colon, and he later died of the injuries. See, you CAN get fucked to death. My brother was trying to argue that one cannot be fucked to death. His narrow mind could only conceive of being raped and murdered as two separate acts. But oh no. I've been trying to come up with examples, so I'll have to make sure to tell him about this one. The point is, there's a documentary about this guy called Zoo, that I've actually heard is good. I'll need to track it down now.

Boo, You Whore

Even though today was destined to be shitty day (and it did not disappoint in that respect), it started off great. I had a dream that I was a vampire and was sort of dating Vampire Bill from True Blood. I'm not particularly attracted to him, but in the dream he was HOT. There were no fangs, and there was no blood. Just lots of dry humping. We were in bed in our underwear, and I remember that he frightened the Black Baby Jesus our of me. Anyway, he was grinding himself on me and begging me to bone him. Mmm. Of course I woke up just before anything happened :(

So lady was singing the blues today, and I started getting frustrated at the littlest things. I was waiting forever to cross the street to my building, and it took so long I almost started to cry. Now I'm grumpy, starving, and I don't know what the fuck to make for dinner. I just want to eat fatty food, listen to sad songs, shoot things in a Wii game, and use several Bioré pore unclogging strips.

The Tale of Lizzy Long Nose

A Chicago friend sent me this Craigslist find:


LIZZY LONG NOSE! - m4m - 24
(SOUTH SIDE)

HOLA CHONGA.....U BE SAY YO' NAME IS LIZZY LONG NOSE. I BE SEE YOU HANGIN OUT AT THE JEWEL ON KEDZIE AVE EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. YOU SAY YOU GO INSIDE AND STEAL TAMPONS AND PIZZA PUFFS, AND NOBODY EVER GONNA CATCH YOU. I SEE THAT LONG ASS NOSE OF YO'S ALL THE TIME, AND IT LOOKS LIKE A WITCH NOSE GIRL. WHY DONT YOU COME ON OVA HERE AND WIGGLE THAT LONG ASS LATINA NOSE IN MY FACE, AND I AM GONNA KICK YOU IN THE MOUTH!

Location: SOUTH SIDE
Posting ID 1828644308

That just cracks me the fuck up. It brings to mind a chola version of Elphaba from Wicked. Cholphaba. Yes, I spent a few minutes on the iPad Brushes application whipping her up. Maybe some day I can witness the beauty that is Lizzy Long Nose.

Fleshy, Corpulent Butterball

This is why we need more robots in the world.

WWYB?

Whom would you blow? A friend of mine brought up the idea of creating a "cock-sucker time machine to go back and blow hot celebrities before they were train wrecks." According to him, Episode I is Elivs "mmm."

First of all, I had to rename it. His title really lacked pizazz, so I came up with Cock Ring Time Machine. Perfect, right? I however would go back in time to blow Paul Newman. Sexy, Jewish, philanthropic, blah blah blah.

If you could go back in time and service a celebrity, who would it be? I guess I'll include females on the off-chance that someone reading this is into that. I'm sure Rue McClanahan was hot in her day. Or Gael Greene? Well, she was always kind of boxy looking, but you know she's down to fuck.

Little Gems

My friend Brady and I like to text each other Gossip Girl-style text blasts of horrible people we see. I sometimes also tweet good ones, so I guess it might be worth following me on Twitter. There should be a link in the sidebar. Or don't, which in that case, fuck you. Anyway, here is one such blast I received today:

"Spotted: terrible faggot or regular lesbian"

It's true; they are sometimes interchangeable.

"The Childhood Ruiner"

That's what this picture file is titled. I'm just going to have to post a link to it. . .

The Childhood Ruiner

I'm all about Tarzan and Hercules' little action there.