The Poopin Missle Crisis

I rarely poo at work. On my first day back at work, I pooed in the morning before I started working, and it was a close call. When I flushed, the ahem, material went down the drain, but then the water level started to rise! Right before it was about to spill over I said a little prayer and flushed again. Luckily it worked that time, and there was no overflow of nasty blue water. I didn't really want to be the guy who fucked up the toilet my first day at work. Today was the first time I dropped a deuce during actual office hours. I'm a thorough wiper. I get it as clean as I can, and I would totally keep a stash of babywipes here for me. I prefer to save my poops for a time when I can shower afterward, but that's not always possible. Bidets are both practical and awesome. The point is I use a lot of terlet paper. That was the problem today. It's not like I took such a massive shit that the pipes couldn't handle it. I did my business during business hours, and a funny thought occurred to me: "watch today be the day the toilet overflows." I flushed, and the dense mass of toilet paper wouldn't go through the hole! I freaked out. I grabbed the toilet brush and tried to nudge it down to no avail. Meanwhile the water is rising, getting closer and closer to shaming me. I turned the stick around and jabbed the terletmass with the thin end to see if that made a difference while flushing again. The water continued to rise, and I gave up all hope. I started washing my hands, waiting for the inevitable. Then I heard a familiar noise. . . could it be? Yes! The toilet flushed properly! Crisis averted.

Here's part of a message I got from Lila a while back, names changed:

"Last week my slutty roommate Brianna had some guy named Winston spend the night. The next morning, he dropped a deuce in our toilet and left. When we went in, the whole thing was clogged and overflowing. Talk about getting up close and personal with the person you just slept with. We made Brianna unclog it."

Textual Healing

[O FACE]


Note: Gaeta is character from a nerdy television program who got his leg amputated.


Yogi: I love that phelps is a stoner and a drinker. faggot.
Me: LOVES cock.
Yogi: My dream is phelps and gaeta. Really brings my worlds together.
Me: i want to top phelps SUPER hard so he makes his ugly goofy face then slap him around
Yogi: I guess thats why i was thinking of him with gaeta. Gaeta could fuck him with the stub and get all kinds of faces out of him.
Me: yes! i love stumping. I WANNA STUMP YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL

Remember Her?

No, not the Queen of DVDA. Well, not just that. Perpetual reality show contestant Megan Hauserman is getting her own dating show. Trophy Wife is filming with single men who have a net worth of over $1,000,000 and a self-worth of zero. Megan's special needs dog is 100 times more endearing than she is.

I Love Mediocrity 2

I'm just going to point out some highlights from the premiere of this trashfest.

Buckwild was never exactly pretty, but with her new eyebrows, she straight up looks like a hag. One of her first quotes of the show is this: "I'm willing to go as far as it takes to win the money. I mean, I stuck my tongue down Flavor Flav's mouth. I will do what I need to do." Clearly nothing she could possibly do on this show could debase her more than what she's already done. Making out with Gollum was heinous, and she didn't even win the precious! Becky explained that she really needs the money in order to pay back her mother who paid for all her lawyer fees. Why did she need a lawyer? I'm glad you asked. She said she really needs income because she was recently doing work release. All I know is that has something to do with jail. She claims she was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and malicious destruction of city plants. *facepalm*

Maybe she ripped up a city plant and choked a bitch with it!

Good old m'lady (not as in "my lady" but MANNISH lady) Frenchy is back. Angelique kind of makes the show. Her grotesque tranny manface looks even more disfigured than ever. Oh and she refers to herself as classy. Lies.

This episode also marks the triumphant return of the Hamburglar! Milf is back and as ground beef-faced as ever.

At the beginning, the F-listers disembark from boats onto shore and have to take their luggage with them. Scrawny-ass Bonez's (creepy "clean" comedian from I Love New York) suitcase pops open and he said that he noticed his hair gel and mousse floating in the water. What? His hair is maybe three millimeters long at MOST. Just how unruly can it get?

There was a Flavor of Love 3? I was not aware. Apparently there was because there are a few skanks from that particular program. Prior to hopping out of the boat into treachorous, ankle-deep water, she made sure to wrap her hair in a garbage bag. And by "her hair," I mean the synthetic material she purchased and had sewn/glued/braided to her naturally-grown tufts. "I'ma do anything for da money. I'll eat sand, drink ocean water. But I cannot--ya'll already know--I would not get this weave wet." Bitch if you win, just think how much weave you could buy! You could have a nice lacefront wig for every day of the month! Real human hair mixed in with yo shit! Imagine it. . . you could have Oprah hair! Isn't it worth getting your tore up weave a little wet?

The first challenge is digging through a pool of mud to find "gold" coins. Buckwild said this of Myammee: "she came prepared this time. She got some weave coverage insurance. She ready to get some money."

Several of the girls went swimming topless within the first twenty minutes. Angelique and Leilene were of course involved.

BW and my girl Saaphyri were chatting about alliances on their beds when that whiny trick Leilene entered and asked what they were doing. Saaphyri responded, "sittin' here talkin' about yo ass and yo nipples out in the damn pool, actin' like you never been to Charm School." Bless her.

During Leilene's turn in the challenge, It from ILNY commented that "Leilene goes and she don't get no coins cuz I think she was worrying about who she was gonna have sex with in the house. Like if it was dildoes in there or, like, condoms in there, then i think she would probably win, know what I'm sayin'?" It took a while to understand since your speech is all kinds of special, but yes, I know what you're saying.

Who the fuck is 20 Pack? I find it hard to believe I don't recognize him because he is HOT. And when he opens his mouth to speak, he doesn't sound like a complete douche. Points for him. The pictures of him here make him look a little tooly, but I'm okay with that.

The Repoppable Cherry

You know that cheerleader from Heroes? She can heal from basically any injury, ie., she cuts a toe off and it grows back. Wouldn't that mean she's a perpetual vigin? Wouldn't her hymen regrow every time she gets boned? She'd make a killing as a hooker.

Coming Up

. . .probably. I didn't have the motivation to watch I Love Money 2 last night because I knew I'd probably have to take copious notes to do these fuckfaces justice. All you need to know for now is Saaphyri and Angelique are back!

"Don't be hittin' me with flowers!"

And what the fuck has been going on with Buckwild's face? Clearly Saaphyri had some work done, but BECKY has shaped her eyebrows into deadly weapons!

While You Were Douching. . .

Christian Bale proved he's an asshole:
http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

Black History Fail

The first thing I said to Shawnda at work this morning was, "happy black history month!" This prompted our other coworker, I'll call her Linda for now, to joke, "you have to teach us something about black history every day this month." To this Shawnda replied, "okay. . . the republicans just elected a black man to represent them."
*sigh*
Not good enough, Shawnda. Not good enough.

BTDubs Michael Steele sounds like a crazy dick.

Oh, and Rush Limbaugh played this song on his show:

To Snatch a Pedophile

Today I was thinking about Mary Kay Fualaau (Letourneau) and her now-husband Vili. They started boning when he was 13 and she was 34. Ew. They're married and spewed out two crotchfruit. They seem to be happy, but that is ass-nasty getting together when he was 13. You know she's cheating on him when she takes the kids on playdates. Getting it on by the jungle gym in her gutterbutt style. Think about it. She's clearly attracted to young boys. It's not like she could have been drawn to his personality. Thirteen-year-olds are assholes. I'm sure he only cared about his Playstation and desperately willed himself to grow that "mustache." To a young boy, it's a conquest to a) have sex at all, b) do it with someone so much older, and c) do it with a teacher. I'm sure he was proud of himself. But then from her perspective, it's abuse and taking advantage of a child. I just don't get her motivation--adolescents are so bad in bed.

I Know Who Killed My Livelihood

(That's what you get for spinning your bean, sinner.)


Looks like LiLo will be heading back to rehab soon. Here's a blind item from BlindGossip.com:

"Which actress is about to become the target of a family intervention? This one is a mess. Almost everyone around her agrees that she is out of control with the drinking and drugging and self-harming and needs to go to rehab. What’s holding her up? Her terminal insecurity about her current volatile relationship. She is so completely co-dependent that her Significant Other can’t even go to work without the actress tagging along. However, lest you blame our actress, you should know that the SO clearly understands that their own financest are dependent on continuing the relationship. Little does the SO know, though, that the actress’s family is planning an intervention to cut out the SO and force the actress into rehab. The family has had several conversations with the family of a famous poptart to work through the financial and legal and practical details of how to obtain a conservatorship. Everything will go down before summer."

It's rather obvious it's the carrot slut. I would LOVE to see this bitch under Dina's thumb like Britney and her dad. And not because it would be good for her, but because it would set the stage for an EPIC meltdown. I'm sensing blood, lots of drugs/alcohol, and an OJ-esque car chase. Oh, and throw some cock in there, because you know she's been craving it. It'll be like her own version of Teeth but bigger, gorier, and insatiable. I mean, she is known for enveloping bar stools she sits on. And didn't she used to have brothers? Mystery solved. NEXT.