Oh Snap

The events of the past week are beyond recapping.  I will let my pictures of the San Francisco Up Your Alley street fair suffice (let the record show emotional rape and devastation):

Textual Intercourse: Pregnant Monsters

KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

Mia: I'm so fucking tired

Me:  Diddle your clit.  Solves all problems

Mia: Already did.  BAM

Me:  LOL.  BAM.  Is that what you say when you finish?

Mia:  I ain't a talker

Me:  Except when you're done.

Me:  BAM

Mia:  I go WAHOOOO.  lol omg if I ever did that I would die

Here's a little addendum from emails:

Mia:  Go sleep in the waiting room surrounded by the girls getting aboboed.

Me:  I'll be like DON'T MIND ME, I'MA JUST CURL UP ON THIS COUCH LIKE THE FETUS YOU BOUT TO HAVE SNATCHED OOT

Me:  HAHA  I'm going to love hearing you bitch about your periods now!  OMG when you get knocked up eventually (by roofying Alex and stealing his seed [hahahaha gross terminology]) I want EVERY nasty detail.  Down to the mucus plug and preggo farts.

Mia:  ima just sneaksies a napsies.lol.


I'm going to tell you every gory detail. from inception to lochia. (look that shit up). Unfortch I'm totes gonna have to roofy Alex in order to get preggo. Yesterday I was all "what if you're infertile" and he's all "I could get u pregnant with one look" and I said "why aren't I pregnant then" and he said "Even the most powerful stare is blocked by birth control" and I said "what's your excuse for last month" and he was like "hrmph"
 
Me:  Are you SURE you want to get pregnant?  It destroys your insides and turns you into a disgusting monster (if you carry it to term).  OMG there!  Tell Alex he doesn't have to wrap it up, you can just get a bunch of abobos!  Problem solved.  You loved getting flooded with semen, and you love abortions!  WIN-WIN.

Textual Intercourse: Winter Wrap Up, WINTER WRAP UP

Brady:  She would have asked me or just straight up asked you anyway

Brady:  Winter Wrap up WINTER WRAP UP

me: lol

Brady: that's my mother fucking thing now

me: winter wrap up WINTER WRAP UP

Brady: WWU WWU

me: suddenly, rape

Brady: pony rape

me: i want to see an episode where a tentacle rape monster attacks equestria

Brady: actually I am slightly attracted to Big Macontosh

HA

of course someone did this shit

Brady:  they should have made his bulge bigger though.  He is a motherfucking horse after all

me: ha

Jiz Strikes Back

Fuck you, Mr. T.  I'm my own person.

Welcome Back, Kotter

nom nom nom (on cock)

OOPS.  I haven't been here in a hot minute.  Sorry, children.  I've been busy.  Being crazy.  But I'm getting my shit together, and life is a box of chocolates or toilet full of turds, or WHATEVER.  As one of those mannish women on Mob Wives put it: life is a bowl of cherries, and I've got the motherfucking pits to prove it.  ANYSNIZ, I've been neglecting ya'll like Paris Hilton neglects her pets, so I hope none of you died of malnutrition while I was away.  Let's start back softly with a little selection from an SMS conversation between Mia and me.  We were discussing 16 & Pregnant.  Terrible, yes, but everybody knows I watch awful television, so just roll with it.  By the time they start following these bitches, it's too late to ABORT ABORT ABORT, so I always root for ADOPT ADOPT ADOPT.  At least that one couple from the first season had the sense to give their child up.  Seriously, no 16-year-old can properly care for a baby and raise a child.  It's mean to subject it to that.  I''m getting off point.  This one bitch, Allie, who of course should have given her baby up for snatching, had a black girl friend named KB.  I proposed that we guess what those initials stood for.  My guess was Kaneesha Brianna (pretty good guess, right?) and this ensued:

How did that shit ever get made?

Mia: Karquanna Broiledmeat.

me: KARQUANNA BROILEDMEAT

me:  I can't handle that.

me:  too funny

me:  Like she's some kind of McDonald's mascot

Which brings me to this next topic:  Pussyghost.  Pussyghost has become somewhat of a recurring character on the podcast (new one coming soon, I promise) One and a Half F*gs, and she now has her own twitter page!  So follow that bitch and get the latest, most racist lowdown on the afterlife for vaginae.